Margin Walker

May!?

2010-05-03T07:00:00.001-07:00

Wha happen'? How did I get here???

Bet you thought I was dead, right? If I've retained my reader, well, thank you for sticking it out.

See, what happened is that in November I was appointed to a task force at work. Everything after that is a blur. Well, that's not entirely true. But I was consumed here at work, with both my job and regular, lengthy and very intense meetings. I rarely logged into my computer at home, barely checked email, and essentially couldn't do anything too taxing at the risk of exploding my brain.

The task force completed its charge last week, so I've had a little time to think and reflect and feel normal.

One of the problems while doing the task force was the tremendous amount of stress. I don't say this lightly, amigos. I tend to handle stress well, not take things too seriously, put things into perspective. But this, this was different. I'm not going to go into details, the bottom line is this. We're going to be restructuring here, and it's up to the task force to plan it. May sound simple, but we are talking about evaluating the workflow and livelihood of over 20 people, some who have been doing the same thing (literally and figuratively) for over 25 years (the university is known for the longevity of its employees). I didn't want to be on this committee, I didn't volunteer. I was appointed and in no position to say no.

Anyway, it wasn't really a problem, just intense. Intense enough to invade my dreams (and if that happens, you KNOW you've got a problem).

How was my eating in all this, you ask? Not good. The meetings we had were fueled by caffeine and chocolate. I rarely made my own breakfast or lunch. I ate all the wrong things when I got home, in an effort to stuff all the stress and get it to shut the hell up, and in an effort to keep things simple.

Now, again, I didn't resort to my pre-WW behaviors in the area of drive through, or donuts. But that doesn't mean I ate well.

I did put on some weight. 25+ lbs or so. I can't lie. I WANT to lie, but I can't. But...I didn't stop going to my meetings. I faithfully attended, got on the scale (most weeks) and took my lumps.

Now that the TF is over, I've been able to evaluate, come down, calm myself. Last week I started to live like I normally would. First off, no meetings means no chocolate. It's not like I independently eat a ton of chocolate, but if you put it in front of me I'm going to eat it. AND, the TF was occurring during the BIG sweets times: Christmas, Valentine's and Easter. Lots of sales, lots of chocolate. AND, M and Ms are now available with pretzels. So...you figure it out.

But last week, I started to get real. And this week, I AM real. Brought breakfast, made my own coffee, at home. Have a thermos of water right here. I have leftovers for dinner, I have a grocery list. I'll get there amigos. It was a rough, rough patch, I won't lie. But it was a patch, it wasn't the rest of my life. THIS is the rest of my life. So hopefully, starting this week, I'll be able to start posting losses, and I'll let you know when I get to that big 3 digit number again.

See ya!

Long time, eh?

2010-01-11T11:50:00.001-08:00

Hey Amigos,

I haven't blogged in forever. Don't worry, I'm still here and I haven't gained all the weight back or anything like that. Still attending WW weekly (coming up on my 2nd anniversary), made it through the holidays in one piece, finished riding lessons for the time being (too cold) but will pick up in spring.

Not too much going on. I watched the 450th episode of the Simpsons last night, as well as the commemorative show that came on afterward. Bless that program. Even if it's not as good as it used to be it's still the best thing on television.

I started a "Hyp Yoga" class which combines hynosis and yoga to promote weight loss. I love it and can hardly wait to go back.

I did gain some weight back over the holidays. 12 lbs give or take a few ounces. I'm not happy about it, but this is also real life, so...I have to get over myself and keep moving forward. I'm happy to say that I'm on my 5th straight day of tracking (I didn't track at all from about the week before Christmas until, well, 5 days ago) and being on program, and there's no sign of stopping. I'm hoping I can chip away at that 12 pounds and post a loss this week (I'm feeling pretty positive about that, BTW).

Lots, LOTS of stuff going down at work. Nothing bad, just more work.

I can't promise when I'll be back to blog. Depends if I get a bee in my bonnet or not. I only seem to want to blog when I have an axe to grind!

Anyway, I'm doing well kids. I wasn't for a while there, but that's passed.

Oh, one thing, 2010 has been a strictly vegetarian year so far. I'm going to see if I can take it all the way.

See ya.

Act II

2009-12-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos,

I've stopped and started this blog several times over the last couple weeks. I'm going for it right now, though, and I'm going to put this thing out there come hell or high water. My reader deserves it!

Work has been very, very... stressful I guess. Tense? It's been busy and crazy and I have some responsibilities that are weighing heavily on me. Not bad, just that things are going to be tough for the next several months. I'll be fine amigos, not to worry. In the words of Lloyd Bridges in "Airplane," I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Weight loss is actually going very well! I've sort of recommitted to the program. A WW friend and I even sat through a 'first meeting' talk and everything. And it's working! We've decided to call it Act II. Act I was great, and intermission was fun and snack-filled, but Act II promises to knock your socks off. :D

My appetite also had a bit of a boost (or the opposite, but in a good way) by a date I had last week. You know how it is, you're thinking about a boy (or a girl, depending on your persuasion) and you don't care about eating. I have no idea if it's going to go anywhere or not (as of this writing we haven't gone on date three yet...not sure if it's going to happen), but you know what? The mere fact that it was a fantastic date, he was a perfect gentleman, he treated me wonderfully, he's cute...it makes up for every single crappy date I had with my previous gentleman caller. And pretty much every date we had was crappy. So I've reset my weighing self and my dating self. All systems go.

The dating thing is interesting. It always kind of highlights what a mess I am inside. Self doubt, negative self-talk, dwelling on bad experiences. My skin is terribly thin, and I have no confidence. I keep up a good front, and I think I manage to fake it. But inside I'm coming up with every reason he could ever find to not like me. Wondering if he thinks I'm fat. Wondering how I could compete with other women.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Believe me, it's gotten monumentally better over the years. And it's something I work on all the time. But seeing a boy just brings it all to the surface. And frankly, this was quite a boy. Charming, sweet, funny, and in my humble opinion, hotter than hell. I have strange tastes admittedly, so I certainly don't imagine everyone would agree with me on that.

Anyway, who knows. The upside of it all is that I feel rejuvenated by it, happy, I had fun, and I deserved it. He treated me so well, and I deserve to be treated well. So, if it doesn't happen with him, it will happen with someone.

It's weird. My life is not what I imagined it would be. I always figured I'd get married and have kids. Actually, it wasn't until recent years that I realized that it's not going to happen. I'm not going to write about that here, I just can't. Way too much emotion behind it. Maybe some day.

What else... Well, Christmas shopping is going OK. Dogs are doing well! My health is good. No new music, per se. I've been listening to a lot of different things. Oh, riding lessons are killer. I'm riding a different horse for the most part, though Chompy the Ear Biter is still a lesson horse for me. I can't get over how much I have learned, how much fun I'm having, and how much I love horses.

Well, there's a crappy Lifetime Movie on right now (with Shannen Doherty and Tim Matheson...hah!), and I have an all day workshop tomorrow (all part of my new responsibilities...fun fun fun) so I'm going to go veg out for a while. Say a prayer to whoever the patron saint of these things is that I get to see the boy again, or that I'm at least lucky in love at some point.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (mine was fun, btw, and I still lost weight!), and that the Christmas season finds you all healthy and happy.

Starting at pound zero

2009-11-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Greetings Amigos,

SUCCESS in my weight loss! As you know, I've set the counter back to zero after hitting a significant milestone that I won't mention because I don't want to jinx myself.

So, as of yesterday, I've lost a pound! Down one pound, and I'm not sure how many to go. Really, I need to talk to my doctor about that. I don't believe what the government tells me is a healthy weight for me. I'm 5'5", but I have size 9 feet, so I'd say I qualify as a 'big boned' girl, and I'm sorry but that buys a person a little extra wiggle room.

I'm feeling wonderful about things today. There are a bunch of us doing WW here at work (6 or 7 at least) and most of us happened to be in the same place for a while this morning, and we shared success stories, experiences, had some laughs, gave out some hugs. These are women (and one man) whom I've worked with for at the least 15 years, so we're buddies from way back, and now we find ourselves serving each other as mentors, coaches, sympathetic ears. They're an amazing group of people, and I'm so very lucky to have them.

I've had a few things on my mind lately, but I haven't felt particularly confessional. But I think you all are due for another peek at my innards. So I'll get working on that.

For now, the journey begins anew! :)

The list gets longer

2009-10-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

I'm not being a very good blogger, and I don't want to run the risk of losing my reader, and I do have a funny story to tell you, so here I am.

I also think I need to get some stuff out here, mostly about my weight loss journey. Thankfully, we are at ground zero now. I had a very good loss last week and it put me at 100 lbs lost even, so we're starting the counter over, folks. So, at my weigh in tomorrow, it's back to square one.

Now, about my weigh in tomorrow. I did a little celebrating after my weigh in last week. Oh, the irony is not lost on me friends. I went to a wonderful French restaurant called Le Reve with 3 of my dearest friends, and we had a long, leisurely meal. I honestly didn't do too badly. I had a nicoise salad, and we all shared some frites, and we also shared dessert. But I was so wound up when I got home that I ended up staying up too late and getting hungry again.

Then I started this thing of putting Jello mousse (this stuff is fantastic) in between graham crackers and freezing it and have subsequently come to learn that graham crackers are yet another thing I cannot have in my house, because I will eat them until they're gone. Not that it stopped me from buying more over the weekend. But now that those are gone I can assure you that graham crackers will no longer darken my door.

So, I've got the schpilkes that I won't have a loss tomorrow, or at the worst, I'll have a gain. I can't stop beating myself up. For some reason I'm being especially hard on myself about it. I just know this half-assed approach needs to stop, or I'm not going to go anywhere, and that's just unnacceptable.

One of my motivators has been that, frankly, I don't want to flipping pay anymore! WW monthly pass is $40/mo and if you think I couldn't be using that money for something else, then you've got some nerve mister. But seriously, do I want to keep paying $40 so that I can shirk my duties as a Weight Watcher? No!

I've been motivating myself by looking for success stories. I spent a goodly amount of time checking out the blog of a woman who has lost 270 lbs through WW. Jesus H. Christ. I saw another one who lost well over 200 lbs. These are women who started out heavier than I (not an easy thing to do) and managed to take the weight off via WW, and I need to see those stories to remind myself that it's possible.

I just can't believe, still, that the urge to overeat is so strong. When I had those graham crackers in the house, they were all I could think about, and eating them all was my way of making those thoughts go away (God forbid I actually throw them out or anything like that).

Oh, cereal too. Over the course of 2 days I ate an entire box of frosted mini wheats. So, cereal, which was always on my list, is now on my list in CAPITAL LETTERS. But I still do it. This was just a few days ago! In spite of my success, in spite of the plan that is great and it works, in spite of all that I STILL fall into bad habits. The fight is never over amigos.

So, the funny story I was going to tell you, I went to my riding lesson on Saturday. When I got there the horse I ride was still out in the pen area, so I figured I'd go out there and get him. It is a scary prospect, but I've done it a couple times and it's something I should be doing. So out I go with a harness to bring him in. It had been raining all week. One of my friends there loaned me her rubber boots because the mud was ankle deep, and I started slogging through the mud and manure. I did what you were supposed to, which is make noise, announce your presence etc. He and the other horses were gathered around a bale of hay, so I was able to walk right up. Of course, walking wasn't exactly easy. It was one of those things where you lift your foot up but your shoe stays put, you know? But after a while, and a few near falls and a couple nearly lost shoes, I made it next to my horse. I gave him a pat and put part of the rope over his neck, just to let him know what was coming. He looked at me, and then lifted his head up, and it was then that I noticed his ears flat against his head. This is a bad, bad sign. Sort of the 'baring teeth' of the dog world, or the hiss of a cat. I knew he was going to do something but before I could even form the thought of what that might be, he clamped his mighty teeth down on my ear. OUCH! I gasped and put my elbow up to get him to back off, which he proceeded to bite. Then I said "NO" firmly and he backed off, and there I stood, completely stunned. I had no idea how bad the damage was to my ear, so I put my hand up to it. There was indeed blood, but the ear itself was all there.

I was stunned. I really didn't know what to do. I stood there for a minute, and then my instructor saw me and came out to get us. She hadn't meant for me to go get him, she meant for her husband to have brought him in, and she was most apologetic. She was just really nice about it. But I didn't want her to feel too badly about it. It wasn't like I wasn't in some way responsible, at least in hindsight. I did a fool stupid thing, and should have waited for help. And now, I am admittedly a little afraid of him! I'd never actually been afraid of him before. We did proceed with the lesson, and I had a great ride, and I'm so glad for that, because if we hadn't it would have fed into my fears and reinforced him. But wow...when you really think about it, it's pretty damned hazardous. but this is what you do when you work with horses.

Another thing about it that amazes me, is his precision. It wasn't like he was just looking to bite me and happened to catch my ear. He went for my ear and bit it on purpose. I cannot figure out how an animal so massive, with such a huge blind spot, could be so dead on accurate. I should take a picture of it, so you can see.

Ironically, or something like that, I'd just gotten my haircut that morning. So unbeknownst to me, I'd made my ear particularly accessible. Drat!

Anyway, that's my funny story. And it really is funny. You can't say that a horse bit you on your ear and remain completely serious.

Well, tomorrow I weigh in, and I'll post here, just like in the beginning. Now, how much can I lose in 24 hours?

I dismember that...

2009-10-13T09:47:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Remember back when I used to post how much I lost every week? That was fun. Why haven't I posted anything recently? Because I've been screwing around with the same, oh, 8 pounds for, oh, 6 months now.

Not to worry, reader, I'm not throwing in the towel, no way, no how. Actually, I've stepped up my meeting attendance to 2 meetings per week. My usual Thursday night meeting with my leader who I swear is an angel sent straight from heaven (hello? Raising Arizona??), and I've added a Saturday morning meeting with another fanstastic leader. This woman is a star, I swear. The place is packed because of her, and she's just got it together. She says all the right things and really is just genuinely, wholeheartedly enthused. AND she's a 35 year member.

So, I have stepped up that effort. And I've started writing about what the heck is holding me back and what I stand to lose. I'm doing more journaling. And I'm paying very close attention to subtle changes that could spell big trouble.

I have had a couple scary things happen in the past month or so that put the fear of God in me. One thing was me removing what I planned to wear to work and replacing it with something more comfortable (aka: roomy). Not good. Also, I've been relying more on wearing tennis shoes. That may not seem related to my weight, but it is, in ways I can't explain. Both of these things are "Fat me" behaviors, and they cause me to stop and think about just what the heck it is I'm doing.

Just so much going on in my brain regarding weight loss and my whole life. But I do feel like it's sorting itself out. I'm not necessarily in complete control right now, but my awareness is running high. Make sense? It's almost like the pieces are slowly going back into place. Maybe the whole pattern changed, and the pieces got jumbled, and now I'm putting them back in their new places. Honestly, that's what it feels like! I need to change the way I look at the world.

Anyway, don't worry about me. Actually, how about this. I'm going to start posting losses soon, I'm sure of it. And I'm going to start my count over.

So when I post my next loss, we're starting at pound 1. I've already lost 100, that's over and done and floating somewhere in the atmosphere. What I need to lose now is an additional 80. Now don't go giving me any grief about how that's too much and whatnot. You all have no idea how much I weighed when I started. If I were a braver person, more self-assured, I'd tell you. But I just can't tell you. What I can tell you is that I really, truly and medically need to lose 80 pounds. I can do it.

OK, another random rambling post. I'm writing over my lunch hour and am a bit rushed for time. Here's to new beginnings.

Plans to make

2009-10-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

And again, I've been woefully silent for a couple weeks. Or has it been 3? Don't worry, nothing catastrophic. I haven't ballooned up to Nell Carter size or anything like that. Just incredibly busy with things that would make for very boring blog posts.

I had a session with my therapist yesterday and we did some deep discussion about my weight loss journey. I guess at this point you could say I'm struggling a bit. I keep gaining and losing the same 4 or 5 pounds. I know darned good and well why, but what I don't know is why I'm exhibiting those behaviors.

So after some discussion J and I came up with a game plan. I'll write about it here when I have it all figure out. Not ready to commit anything just yet. but trust me, it's a good plan, and I think it's going to work. No, I KNOW it's going to work.

So, don't worry about me or any of that jazz. I'm alive and well, just trying to wrap my mind around a few things and get my act together.

Adios, will post when my plan is in place!

WI Day

2009-09-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Another weigh in day, another week of not so great eating. I started out all wrong (a trip to Outpost, the beginning of the end) and never quite got my mojo back. I talked about it extensively with my therapist, which helped. We've been comparing it to a marathon, and right now I'm in the middle of it, the suckiest part. Not fresh out of the gate like at the beginning, but not close enough to the end to see the finish line.

This is the hard part, this is the endurance. But, I have faith that if I continue going to my meetings, it will all come together.

So, that's where I'm at. Not much of a post, admittedly, but it's not fun to talk about either! I'll report in soon. I'm not holding out for a loss tonight at all, but that's OK with me. I've started a new day today.

Trackin', like the doo-dah man

2009-08-26T10:49:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Just had to tell you, I took on a little challenge with my dear friend, co-worker and WW buddy D. We found that we both have stalled. I weigh now what I weighed at the beginning of summer. If I were in maintenance, then bully for me. But maintenance is NOT where I am, so I had to get cracking here. I can't afford to be on WW my entire life (in the literal and figurative senses of the word).

So D and I have made a commitment to tracking. I'm tracking everything, so is he, and then we're emailing our daily reports to each other the next morning.

They're not joking when they say, tracking = weight loss. I stopped tracking consistently probably around when I went on vacation, and in that time I've probably put on 5 or 6 pounds. NOT GOOD. So as of Sunday, I've tracked everything. Now, I don't know if that will translate into a weight loss when I weigh in tomorrow, because I had a doozy of a binge between Thursday and Friday. It was someone's last day here, and there was a lengthy celebration with tons of sweets, and she had brought in donuts, which I never eat, but my donut demon came out of the dark and that was that. So I had some major, I mean MAJOR making up to do. So I may or may not post a loss tomorrow (most likely not), and I'll live with that.

The fact of the matter is, I'm tracking again, and the process reminds me how very important it is. Probably the thing I notice most of all is that I really put a lot more thought into what I'm eating. I remind myself that whatever I eat has a number, and I have to write that number down and I have to be held accountable for it. It just makes me stop and think, which is a big part of eating right.

Another motivator for me is that I really want to be able to tell you, my amigos, that I've got losses coming. I've had a few, but I erased them. Essentially the summer was a wash, and I need to make up for that.

I told my friend D, it's as if we are having a renaissance, almost like we've discovered the program all over again.

On another note, I feel really sad about the loss of Ted Kennedy. Of course, I feel a bit conflicted, given his past. But his influence is undeniable, and we probably won't see the likes of him again. A sad day indeed.

OK, that's enough out of me. Just wanted to tell you what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to start giving you NUMBERS, baby, NUMBERS.

For cryin' out glavin!

2009-08-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

Argh. I knew I was going to gain weight this week. I wasn't even surprised at the number on the scale. Know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm 7 pounds heavier than I was at the end of June! I've lost in there, but I've also gained, and the gains are winning. Drat! Drat drat drat!

Know what though? I'm glad I looked at my weight tracker. It's one thing to look at each individual week, but when you see something that has affected you for the last month and a half, it's a bit more...persuasive!

So, I've broken a promise to myself, to not fall back under 100 lbs lost. Poop. Am I defeated? No. Just pissed. Being pissed is a great motivator. Maybe I'll make myself too angry to eat.

I've found a couple new addictions. These aren't too bad, along the lines of caramel flavored rice cakes and Skinny Cow ice cream. I had my first taste of a Famous Dave's pickle. No, I wasn't at Famous Dave's. Not interested, thank you very much. I was at Sam's Club of all places, and it was 'sample day' and the pickle seemed like a safe bet. They're fabulous. They're like bread and butter pickles with a little kick. I tried to buy a jar there, but, being Sam's, I couldn't actually only buy one, I would have had to buy six. No lie. Considering the only other products they had were barbecue sauces and meaty things, I wasn't interested in anything other than pickles, and I wasn't going to buy six jars of pickles. So I picked a jar up while grocery shopping yesterday.

Unfortunately, after I opened them and started eating them, I looked at the ingredients, and the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Before vinegar even. But, pickles are a good snack, and when I'm finished with this jar I'll just find another bread and butter pickle with better ingredients and add my own spices.

My other good addiction is olives. The best thing about them is that it's hard to OD on them. I love them, and can eat a lot of them, but even for me I find them satisfying in a relatively short time.

So, anyway...your slightly pudgier angry friend is recommitting and getting this flipping weight off. For God's sake, I don't want summer to be a complete wash!!!

Challenges!

2009-08-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Margin Walker checked out for a few weeks here, apologies all around. There are some major changes going on at my job and I have been tied up nearly every minute of every day. So, when I do have some free time, I have to decompress for several hours.

My eating has been lousy for the past week. It all started with my birthday, which happened to be the first day of the state fair. So, I was at the fair all day, ate all day, then got home and ate some more. Then I had a party at a friend's house. It's not even like I ate that much when I was there, it's that I continued to eat when I got home.

Then the next day was my work picnic. It really doesn't help that I work with some of the best cooks and bakers in town. And, I made a kick-ass dish myself, rhubarb dream bars (they were gone in a nanosecond after I set them down). Then, that evening, I went to dinner with my sis and mom to celebrate my birthday.

That was Sunday. So you'd think that would be the end and I'd pick up where I left off. But that's not what happened. There was a luncheon Wednesday. And the fact that a coworker brought in brownies on Monday. Then I had plans this Thursday to attend the fair again. See, my mom and sis and I always pick a day during the week to go. So I knew all week I had another visit to the fair in the works. I know that shouldn't have made a difference, but it messed with me. It made it hard for me to take my eating seriously.

I know that's messed up.

I have to weigh in tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but i have to do it. I find myself beginning to talk myself out of attending at all, and that is so scary. I've already pushed it from Thursday until tomorrow. In my defense, I didn't have much choice. I always attend Thursday evenings. Well, this Thursday I was back at the fair. My mom and sis and I went early and were home by 3:30; then I and 3 friends went back (it was a totally different experience, on many levels!). There was no time for me to go, not without messing up some plans.

So I'm going tomorrow, which is the 11th hour in WW world (points reset on Sunday). Honestly, I don't want to go. I wish I could just live my life and have none of this be an issue. But it doesn't work that way. And if I don't go tomorrow, I will have broken my one promise to myself, and I absolutely flat-out refuse to do that. So, I'll go, and step on the scale, and I'll see the toll that a week of free falling has on my weight. Maybe I can be a cautionary tale. "This is what happens when you eat a cream puff, deep fried snickers, deep fried PB and J, pancakes, apple sundae, blue moon ice cream, pizza, cherry float, corn on the cob, cheese curds, etc. in the course of a week."

I'm not happy about this week, but I do have to admit that the temptations were beyond extraordinary. I mean, come ON.

I hope to gain some inspiration from my meeting. I'm going at 7:00 am. Then I'm taking my friend who is in town from New York out to breakfast. It's a long standing tradition.

I believe this to be my last commitment involving food for a couple weeks. Harder than Christmas, I tell ya.

Vacation, all I ever wanted.

2009-07-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I had a few minutes so I figured I'd rap with you all. Or at you all.

My vacation by the way, was fabulous. I'll tell you about it now before I start forgetting.

My mom and sis picked me up at the butt-crack of dawn for a 5:30 am flight. The usual airport rigamarole ensued. The nice thing about a flight that early is that we got into Charleston early, so we had a lot of time to wander, even before checking in. We had brunch, I had a Bloody Mary, southern style (it had a piece of pickled okra in it), we wandered around. Then we went to where we were staying, a vacation rental condo sort of thing. I walked in, changed into my suit and went to the pool. I didn't even sit down. We were a short walk to the beach, our room had a beach view, and the pool was SO close. It was hot of course, Charleston is HOT HOT HOT. But there's a constant ocean breeze and it was just lovely.

That practically sums up my vacation. I spent more time on the beach than at the pool, but I pretty much just hung out. I was so happy that my mom and sis were up for that, and weren't up for more sightseeing. We'd been there before so we didn't feel compelled to visit anywhere in particular. We went out to eat, laid around on the beach, played Scrabble. I got a sunburn, swam with some dolphins (and also saw a bunch of them while having dinner one evening). We shopped historic Charleston. We went to the Moon Pie shop (which was my undoing...but it was worth it). All and all I had a fantastic time and can't wait to go back.

I managed to have a modest gain that week, about 1.5 pounds. I was completely OK with that. I went down there with grandiose visions of losing weight, of making great choices all the time. But, I knew as soon as I had that first glass of sweet tea and they set down that first basket of biscuits (or hush puppies...) I was just going to do what I want. And I did. But I didn't have any regrets, and I went right back to my regular eating when I got back (practically the first thing I did upon my return was go grocery shopping).

Truly a wonderful vacation. Do you realize that's the first vacation I've had since January of last year? I've taken days off here and there, but it's my first bona fide vacation in a year and a half. I doubt I'll ever put vacation off for that long ever again!

My WW plan has been going pretty well. Not perfect. I'm definitely in a bit of a lull. Still lost more than 100 pounds, so I've got that going for me. But I seem to be toying with the same 5. But, I had a loss last week, and hope to have one this week. And if not, I will next week!

Fishin'

2009-07-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

Vacation was great, I'll write about that later. Right now I've got the schpilkes over a couple things and I just felt the need to get some stuff out of me.

First off, there's some shit going down at work that does not make me one bit happy. Decisions were made in my absence, and my boss' absence, and since she was gone longer than I, I haven't had a chance to talk with her about any of it and the stress is sitting in my stomach like a hot bowling ball.

Secondly, I decided to try online dating again. Why, you ask? I don't know. Glutton for punishment maybe? I like to see just how low I can get my self-esteem?

The one I'm doing now is free, plentyoffish.com. The reason I looked into this website is that a journal came through my area, I think it was Inc. or Entrepreneur, that did a piece on the guy who came up with plenty of fish. He's a millionnaire who works maybe 3 hours a day. He essentially said that this is so incredibly easy that it runs itself, and has been that way from the beginning. What the hell? Why can't I think of stuff like that?

So it made me curious and I checked it out, set up a profile and put my line in the water (haha...how's THAT for a clever metaphor). It actually has a ton of members, more than any of the paid sites, so that's good. And it isn't like it's crappy because it's free. They have standards and will boot people who are using it inappropriately.

But, alas, it's not much different than paid sites in many ways. I keep getting the same kind of matches as I ever did, and we all know where that got me.

Here are some ways to make certain that I will NOT contact you:

1. You have an obvious mullet in a photo that's less than 25 years old.

2. You're shirtless. I don't care if it's a close-up or a long shot photo. No shirt, no dice. A little self-respect, maybe? I got dressed for my profile photo, it's the least you could do.

3. You're holding something dead that you, yourself have killed. I can't tell you how many guys post pictures of them holding up fish, turkeys, and deer. They actually kneel down and cradle the deer's head in their laps. Yes, I grew up in Wisconsin. But thankfully my dad was an animal lover who never hunted anything in his life. We didn't have guns either. A pic of you and something dead or you with a gun? Overcompensating, fellas. Check out a book on Freud and get back to me.

4. You're holding something dead, period. That's just creepy.

5. You're holding a beer or other alcoholic beverage. Maybe some women enjoy that. I do not. Drinking is nothing to be proud of. Everybody drinks. I can drink. I don't need a photo to prove it.

6. You've blacked out the face of a person who is obviously your ex, or you just happen to have a picture of you and your ex. I don't care how good the damn picture is. Did you even run it past your ex? Are you trying to prove that you've had a relationship of some sort?

7. Enough with the pics of you on your Harley. See the reference to 'overcompensating' in number 3.

8. Shirts with sleeves, please. I don't care to see your pit hair before we've even met in person.

9. At least attempt to spell things correctly. A little effort goes a long way. And don't tell me you ain't got no spell checker. Which brings us to the question of grammar...

10. Be original. That whole bit about 'I enjoy walks on the beach' being a cliche? All true.

I'm not all hell bent on all of my matches being handsome. I just ask for presentable. Put a little effort into it. And you don't have to be a brute to attract women, at least not this woman. I don't need to see that you're a provider and you can hunt and kill things for me. I'm not impessed by guns or bikes or booze or how much you can put away in a weekend. Just talk to me!

Now before you say I'm all high-falutin', I want you to know that I'm not asking for anything that I don't provide myself.

Maybe my standards are too high? I'm sure some people could say that. But I really don't think it's too much to ask that you put a shirt on. I wear one every day. It's not so bad.

Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage

2009-07-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

I've been ruminating on this a lot lately, the idea of sabotage. I fight a demon every waking hour of my life. Sometimes it's an easy fight, and I win. And sometimes I'm completely defeated. It's like there's 2 parts of me. Sometimes one part dominates, sometimes another, and sometimes one is completely banished, for a while.

Not sure if that makes sense, but it's honestly how it feels. Some of the time at least.

I've been thinking about it a lot because I've had a rough week. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad.

As of my last weigh in (a week ago today) I'd lost 106 lbs. So happy about that, I just can't tell you. I'm amazed to see it in writing!

I sort of cut loose that day after my meeting. Then I reined it in on Friday, and got some good exercise. Then came the fourth, and I really cut loose. Ate too much of everything, and continued until I fell asleep. Sunday was no great shakes either. Monday was pretty good, and Tuesday. But last night I caved. I didn't eat dinner at a normal time because I had a 6:00 riding lesson, which gave me enough time to run home, let the dog out, and hit the road to get to Grafton. Unfortunately there is a Trader Joe's I have to pass on my way to and from my lesson. By the time my lesson was over (and it was a good one, and I worked hard) I was HONGRAY! I figured I'd stop at Trader Joe's and get something to eat.

Well, I did that. But got more than I needed and kidded myself into believing I would parcel it out over a day or two.

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I can't explain it amigos. I really can't. I know it's wrong. There's a part of me that is screaming to myself to stop it. I mean that nearly literally, a screaming voice in my head. But I can't seem to stop myself.

One of the things I bought was some toffee. I honestly believed I wouldn't eat it all. I got home and had a couple pieces. Then I put it away. Then I kept thinking about how good it was. And as I continued to do that I wanted more of it. Then I started thinking about how maybe it's better I eat it all so that I don't have to obsess anymore.

I think you know the end of that chapter too.

I wish that somehow I could make this stop happening. Yeah, I realize that I can, by just not doing it. But it's not that simple. And I really truly am trying. I must be doing something right, I've lost 106 pounds. But the struggle continues, as much today as ever.

I try and tell myself all the reasons to not overindulge, about how much better I feel, how much healthier I am, how I can wear clothes that I like. You'd think that would be enough. Sometimes it is. But sadly, sometimes it isn't.

Not sure where this post is going. I was going to journal about it, but it seemed just as useful, if not moreso, to put it out here. Amazing how it does help. I don't like admitting that I've had a binge, but I think it would be worse to keep it all inside.

The worst thing, the thing I'm going to have to deal with, is if I see a gain this week. I get so angry with myself, and my negative self talk, which is usually loud and clear, becomes ear-splitting. And that worries me because I don't want to end up in a spiral. You'd think my dread of a gain would be inspiration enough to not binge, but that didn't stop me this time.

I can't tell you how bad the feeling is, anticipating a gain. I fret over it. It ties my stomach in knots.

Honest to God amigos, I can't tell you how much being addicted to food sucks. It's horrible. I wish it would just go away and stop torturing me.

I do have an answer for my current situation. It's very simple. I'm going to my meeting. Just like I went to my first meeting and every meeting in between. Good, bad, otherwise, I'll be going to my meeting tonight and weighing in. Yesterday doesn't matter, the past week doesn't matter. It's what I do today on that matters.

In a related yet different bit of news, I'm going on vacation. Finally, at last, I'm taking a full, solid week off. I haven't done that since January 2008, my trip to NYC. This time my mom, sissy and I are going to Charleston, SC. We went there a couple years ago and had a blast. I am anticipating a great trip down there this time.

The last time I went, I had to ask for seat belt extenders. I can't tell you how humiliating that is. It really is. And I'm going to tell you a little secret. I was so humiliated going down there that on the flights back I faked buckling my seatbelt to save me the embarrassment of having to ask for one again. Ain't that the shit? I broke F A A rules out of shame.

I was also wearing a size probably 4X swimsuit. Now I'm wearing a size 16W swimsuit. I intend on spending copious amounts of time on the beach and at the pool.

I'm a bit worried about the eating situation. The food down in SC is phenomenal. Seafood everywhere you turn. Hush puppies. I love hush puppies. Sweet potato pie. Sweet tea. Gumbo. Grits.

I'm going to track as best I can. And I'm hoping that the fact that we're going to be moving a lot (I'm never too sedentary on vacation) I will have some flexibility. I know that going on vacation can be tough, but frankly, it's never been as tough for me as I know it is on some folks. I do love food and eating out. But I snack less. And we'll be buying groceries as soon as we get there so we can make our own breakfast and I will have a lot of control over what I eat. So while being on WW and taking vacation may not be the easiest thing in the world, I do believe it will be livable, if not downright enjoyable.

I even have my meeting strategy planned out. I will miss my regular meeting, but already have one picked out to attend the day after I get back. So, I guess you could say ll my bases are covered.

Sorry this blog sort of rambled and went all over the place and whatnot. I didn't have a clear agenda, I just wanted to write about my problems of the past week, to try and sort things out, to maybe get myself back into the right frame of mind. Bless your hearts if you've followed it to this point, because I brought you into my brain and back out again, and that can be a bit scary.

I think I'm in a good place now. And I am going to my meeting tonight. As long as I can say those two things, everything else will follow.

Mark my words

2009-06-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Confession time. Weight Watchers, brilliant marketers that they are, marked their one point bars down from $7.50 to $5.00. If I were in a grocery store, this is the type of thing I would NEVER buy. Never.

But somehow, in my WW meeting, I felt trapped in some vortex where $5.00 is a great bargain (thank GOD they don't sell things like bridges in New York and long term care insurance). Before I knew what was happening (and that's almost the straight truth...I was a woman possessed) I had 2 boxes in my backpack, one chocolate peanut butter and one chocolate mint. They're little bars, 1 point each.

Do I really need to tell you what happened? Really?

If you were thinking that it took me approximately 24 hours to finish both boxes, you'd be right. 24 mini bars, 24 hours. Of course I wasn't eating them every hour. I'd eat one, then a little while later another. Then I'd freeze them and have those. Then I'd have three at a time.

See, the trouble is (and any fellow food addicts can back me up on this one) if a trigger food is in my house, I'm almost completely powerless against it. I can hear my dad now talking about willpower and sucking it up etc., and my mom saying "Just don't eat it" and my sister saying both. I've tried. If it's there, I will eat it. Sad but true.

So we come to another weigh in day and I'm filled with trepidation. I've probably gained this week. Mostly because I ate too many points (I know this to be true because in spite of the embarassing quality of my binging, I DID record it all) and only got exercise 2 days this week.

In some of this weight loss stuff are definites. Things that can't be changed. Or, maybe they could be, but I'm so busy focusing on everything else in my life that I choose not to change them. Like my trigger foods. I simply cannot have them in my house. Absolutely positively not. And the thing is, if I stick to that rule, I'm fine. And sticking to it is easier than you think, once I've identified the problem. Another thing is, I know the exercise that suits me best. It's walking. And I don't mean walking indoors to one of those Leslie Sansone videos (even though she is pretty good and you get a good work out) or a treadmill. I mean walking and actually getting somewhere. It's something I like to do and something I know I will do and it's not a chore and I always seem to find time to do it (except when it's hotter than Hades as it is right now). It's also something I can do with my dog. I've tried other aerobic activity, and the only one that ever stuck, that I never got bored with, that I always did, was walking.

Those are my definites. Maybe some day, way in the future, I'll be ready to change them, but they're both good, positive things, so I'm not going to beat myself up for having what others may see as 'restrictions.' I see it as playing to my strengths.

It's amazing, but I feel better than I did when I started writing this post. Maybe it's the fact that I've made another promise to myself. I tend not to break promises to myself. I never promise myself anything unreasonable, but there are several promises that I keep. If I don't I'm actually disappointed in myself.

It's as if I made a promise to someone else and didn't keep it, but I'm both people, feeling bad for having a promise made to me broken, and for actually being the one breaking that promise.

A couple of the promises I've made to myself over the years

*make my bed every day
*always be in the process of reading something (currently I'm reading The Black Echo by Michael Connelly, never read anything by him before; great literature it ain't, but it's a good mystery)
*eat breakfast every day
*bring lunch to work during the week
*always clean the litter boxes at the minimum once daily
*ALWAYS ATTEND A WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING

That last one is a biggie (hence the caps). The one promise I made when I started the program. I've told you about that before. I didn't promise myself I'd lose weight. I didn't promise myself anything other than I can bring myself to one lousy half hour meeting every week.

So now I've got another big promise to add. And putting it here makes me all the more accountable.

I will never buy another box of WW one point bars. I'm making a clean break. I wish them well and all the success in the world, but they can't be a part of my life.

Time to move on.

Take that, Take 5!

2009-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

No, it's not really Take 5's fault...I'm not being fair. It's the fault of the powers that be who decide what goes into the vending machines around here!

No, it's not really their fault either. The fault lays on these chubby shoulders.

I powered through my food today and finished everything I brought before 2:00. That makes for one long afternoon. I got so hungry I couldn't take it and went into the lounge where the vending machine is.

Alas, that wasn't my first mistake. You know what was my first mistake? Grabbing two dollars out of my wallet instead of one. I know darn good and well that most things in there are under a dollar. So...did I think I'd lose a dollar during the short walk to the break room? Or that I'd somehow have an occasion to spend a dollar in the few seconds it takes me to get to and from the vending machine?

We know the answer. I brought 2 dollars because I wanted 2 things. What, I didn't know. I so rarely use the vending machine here that I can never predict what they're going to have.

So I get in there and I see, thankfully, a small bag of regular old pretzels. Hanover pretzels, 3 points for the whole bag. I got them.

I should have turned away then. But it was too late. I saw it. I saw the Take 5.

I love Take 5. Take 5 starts with a pretzel. Then they add caramel, and peanut butter, and peanuts, and they cover it in chocolate. And they do it so well. All of the ingredients in perfect harmony with each other.

The first time I had a Take 5 was in New York City. They were new and reps were handing them out. I assume they were reps at least...

I'm not big on candy bars. I like certain ones, but could live without them. But seeing that Take 5 today, and knowing the taste explosion held within its red wrapper, I caved.

Having a Take 5 isn't going to derail me. It's not going to make me put back on 103 pounds. Actually, points wise, I could probably even afford it because I have barely touched my weekly points allowance.

I know it's not the end of the world.

But, it still makes me sad, because that's the sort of thinking that got me into the sorry situation I was a year and a half ago, and that I'd been struggling with for half of my life up to that point. I want it, so I eat it.

I hate knowing that lack of control is so close to the surface. It's damn scary.

I'd never say anyone who is addicted has it easy, but the whole eating thing has a different dimension that other addictions don't. A recovering alcoholic makes a commitment not to drink alcohol. A recovering drug addict makes a commitment not to use drugs. A recovering gambler makes a commitment not to gamble. A recovering food addict makes a commitment to choose the right food for every meal, every day, for the rest of their life. To abstain from unhealthy eating. Eating is a vital function, if we stop all together, we die. So every time I get hungry, every time I have a meal, every day, all day, I have to choose. And I can't just say no, I can't just not eat. I have to say yes to some things, and no to others. Each moment dealing with food is a choice.

It messes with you, I tell ya.

So, how many weight watchers points in a Take 5? Just guess.

5!!

She's back!

2009-06-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, my amigos, I'm so sorry for my lengthy silence. I've been very occupied with various things. Yes, I know we're all busy, and I have a lot nerve using that as an excuse and I should be ashamed of myself for even saying it. But would you rather I post crappy things in multitude, as opposed to wonderful things occasionally? Well?

Of course, that makes it sound like this will be a wonderful post, and I can't promise that. Just let me say that I was away too long and I hope my reader has stuck around.

Right now I'm blogging at home. I woke up this morning like normal. Then things started to get a little ooky. When I realized that I was probably going to hurl, I sent an email to my boss and coworkers letting them know I'd be staying at home.

And what happened subsequently?

I didn't hurl. And now I'm sort of pissed because I used up a sick day. I never call in sick. I had a streak of 6 years with no sick days, then a subsequent streak of 5 years. I was knocked flat by a stomach virus in October, so that blew (literally) 2008. And now, I've blown 2009. I know that's kind of silly. But here I was today, sort of feeling icky, but probably workable. I guess I just didn't want to go to work worried that I was going to blow chunks. Better safe than sorry. But I am disappointed in myself.

There's been a lot of things going down, but I don't really know what I want to blog about today.

I did have sort of a stalled moment in my weight loss. I finally decided that I needed to recommit. I just became complacent and wasn't seeing a lot of loss. I was seeing a small loss, small gain, small loss... And when I looked at the graph that WW has set up, it was so obvious that I was stalling. I expect some of that, but the thing with this was, I was stalling, and I know that I was slacking off.

Here's how I slacked off:

1. I didn't track my food.
2. I wasn't exercising as much as I should have.
3. I wasn't measuring.
4. I was 'treating' myself too often, and not being really serious about acknowledging that (see number 1)

Here's how I remained committed:

1. I still went to my meeting.

I still kept up with the one promise I made myself. I can keep one lousy promise. And as I said when I joined, the only thing I absolutely committed to do, the one thing I'd never give up on, is going to the meetings. And sure enough, I got my mojo back. Something so funny, at our meeting two weeks ago, the topic was motivation. And I attended that meeting with a coworker who was in the same boat I was, and we sat next to my WW buddy who was in the same boat as us. When the meeting was over we just looked at each other and we all agreed it was fate. We were all touched by the topic and we were all willing to recommit. It was really awesome.

So, I recommitted, and the next week (last week) I lost .8 lbs. Then, this week, when I really hunkered down and applied myself, I lost 3 pounds. Wow!!!! So, amigos, I've lost 103 pounds! I'm firmly ensconced in the 100s now. Now I can make myself a new promise, so I'll have 2 promises that I will always keep.

I will always go to my meetings, and I will not let myself drift back below the 100s. Even if I didn't lose another pound after today (God forbid!), I would be happy because I am in such a better place that it hardly feels real.

Sort of makes sense, though, doesn't it? Even though I didn't plan it that way. I have one promise that got me to lose 100 pounds, and a second that will keep me there. Now I need to start focusing on a goal. THE goal. Not quite ready to commit to that, mostly because I haven't decided what it's going to be!!! I do know one thing. I know I'm going to get there.

One Hundred Pounds...

2009-05-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

Alright amigos, you knew it was coming, you could sense the magic.

OK, in actuality seeing as I've already mentioned this to my reader and my other reader, it may not be news. And seeing as I called about 5 people and texted that many more, that may also make it not be news. But I don't know if I'll ever tire of actually saying it.

I've lost one hundred pounds. 100 pounds. 100 lbs. One hundred lbs.

I have lost one hundred pounds by following the Weight Watchers plan.

I honestly didn't think I would be this overwhelmed by it. I was at 96.8 last week, lost 3.2 this week (actually, it probably didn't work that way...I stayed the exact same the week before and sometimes I just think my body messes with me for kicks), and I was there.

There was all sorts of hoopla and such. I got a certificate of accomplishment (and if you think I'm not framing that sucker, well, you've got some nerve mister), a 100 pound charm for my keychain (it doesn't weigh 100 pounds, it just SAYS 100 pounds), a contraband WW "I Lost 100 Pounds" refrigerator magnet, and a sticker for my WW bookmark. The class applauded me, and asked me how I did it and I shared a bit of my story.

I'm not going to write much about it here, not right now. I just wanted to put it out there. I honestly wanted to roll all my windows down in my car and scream it to passersby. It's an amazing feeling.

Thanks for being with me for the ride. Which, I must say, has been awesome. I haven't settled on a final goal, and I'm not ready to do it yet. I'd say in order for me to be pretty comfy I'd like to lose maybe 60 more pounds.

60 pounds? I can do that.

Hitting my stride

2009-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

I think I've hit a stride here amigos. Or something. I'm not sure. I haven't been struggling weight loss wise, per se. I lost this week and I'm currently at my lowest weight.

I think I've maybe hit the real endurance part of my weight loss journey. My therapist has a wonderful analogy that he uses often. He compares it to a marathon run. If you look at all 26 miles right at the start, you'll never finish. You can start out quickly but inevitably you hit rough patches. Then there's the middle part where you just maintain your pace, not too fast, not too slow. This is probably the hardest part of a marathon. Not that I've run one. But I do understand it. I've watched them on television. His descriptions make sense.

That's sort of how I feel about where I'm at weight loss wise. I'm losing, but slowly. I'm essentially mid-journey. I do believe that this is probably where Weight Watchers loses a lot of people.

I've made a promise to myself that this is not going to defeat me. I'm just going to keep going. I'm never, ever going back to where I was. Never. I've been working at this for far too long. 14 months and counting.

I'm doing and feeling things that I haven't done or felt in forever. First of all, I'm coming to grips with the fact that many of my clothes are too big for me. They don't just look big. Some of them look downright ridiculous. My jean jacket, for instance. I still wear it, because I'm cheap and don't want to buy another. But I'm swimming in it. I have copious pairs of underwear that are just too dang big. I've dropped another pant size. One of my favorite shirts, a damned expensive one I bought as a treat for myself last year, looks like a maternity top. I love that top. Can't wear it. My brassieres are just all over the place. I'm using the first row of hooks. Completely new to me.

I've also begun my life's dream. I started riding lessons. I had my first lesson on Saturday and it was better than I could have imagined. And my weight didn't enter in to any of it. It was a non-issue.

I've planned a trip to Great America. I haven't been to Great America since I endured the humiliation of having to get off a ride because I was too big. Yes amigos, that happened to me. You've never...I can't explain how that felt. You never want to feel that bad friends. You just never do. But I know that when I go this time, I'll be able to go on whatever I please. I haven't been to Great America in 7 years because of that last incident. And after that, I didn't care enough to change things in my life, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd never go again.

I'm sort of wandering all over the place with this post, but in a way it's kind of how I've been feeling. I'm in the middle of this journey and I'm sort of looking at things from five thousand directions and trying to take it all in, and it's pretty hard to describe.

I just had an idea. I think I'm going to list what's changed in my life in the last 14 months.

-I'm thisclose to being able to shop for clothes that aren't in the Plus Size or Women's section of stores.

-I'm wearing size 16 pants. They're size 16W, but they're still size 16. 14 months ago I was wearing size 26.

-I've lowered my cholesterol 28 points. It is now at 191.

-I haven't had fast food of any kind, and I don't miss it. Here's a short list of what I haven't eaten in 14 months (things I used to eat regularly): Taco Bell, Culver's, Arby's, KFC, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, Steak n Shake, Sentry deli, bread pudding, frozen pizza, ice cream, tater tots, elephant ears, Sentry cut out cookies, peanut m and ms, Jimmy Johns, Oscars, Kopp's, Pick n Save baked goods, gigantic muffins, normal sized muffins, potato chips, full-fat popcorn, ultra mega-fat movie popcorn,

Do I miss this stuff? Just ask me. Go ahead, ask me. I'll wait.

Well, since you asked, no, I don't. I don't miss these things. I've found that I can easily live in this world without them.

-I've ridden a horse. I haven't ridden a horse in 17 or 18 years. I didn't dare. I wasn't in good enough shape, I was just too heavy. But this past weekend, I didn't just ride the horse. During my ground work (which I love), I RAN with the horse. The object was to get him up to a trot, and then stop. Well, you probably already know this, but horses cover a lot of ground. I had to essentially go almost top speed just to get him up to a trot! But I did it. And I didn't feel like I was going to die either. And I can't tell you the feeling it gave me, to have this beautiful horse running along side me. It was sublime. 14 months ago? Never would have happened.

-I can cross my legs.

-I can go up the stairs without thinking I'm going to die, and without my knees crying out for mercy.

-I'm buying clothes off the rack, as opposed to ordering them from catalogs. And I'm buying things because I like them, not because they happen to fit.

-I can walk into a department store and not feel ridiculous.

-My weight doesn't draw attention to me.

-I have short hair. I didn't realize how much I was letting my hair cover me up. It was just a way to disguise myself. I think I always knew that shorter hair looked better on me. For years I said that I was letting it grow because I was excited that it was coming in curly. Part of that is true. I love having curly hair. But the look now is the look I think I'm supposed to have. It feels right.

-I'm a full on fruit fanatic. I always prefer fruit over vegetables, but I have a core group of vegetables that I love too. I'm a produce nut, plain and simple.

-I'm more comfortable in my body.

-I don't dread restaurant booths, plane seats, amusement park rides, or my mother's sofa (she used to chide me about sitting on it because you could hear the springs; I'm not entirely sure what that means and why it's bad, but it's a non-issue)

-My dogs are in better shape. My literal dogs, not my feet. Although my feet are in pretty good shape too.

-I think I'm having a positive effect on others; I didn't intend this, but it just happens. If what I'm doing helps someone else lose weight, that's a reward you just can't quantify.

-I'm more active and I want to do things. I want to go out with my friends. I want to go see live bands.

-Not sure how this all comes into it, but my house is in better shape than it's ever been. I'm a better housekeeper! My house is nearly presentable at all times, no more dishes in the sink, no more newspapers lying around, or unmade bed. And it's become habit. I like living that way.

-Call me crazy, but my car gets better mileage. No lie.

-I'm a better cook.

-I've kept my promise to myself, to never miss a meeting. Even over the holidays, even when I knew I had a gain, I still went. The couple of times my meetings were closed because of the holidays, I just went on a different day.

I remember the day I joined Weight Watchers. I was resistant, but I also knew I was in desperate need of help. So I figured, if nothing more, I would go to the meetings. Come hell or high water, going to the meetings was the least I could do. And there was a part of me that said that even if it didn't work, if I continued to go to the meetings, it eventually might work. Well, I went, and it worked. And continues to work.

This list could probably go on and on. There almost isn't any aspect of my life that hasn't changed somehow, due to my weight loss. So, it's a work in progress, just as I am a work in progress.

Thanks for sticking around for the ride. And I hope you stay with me while I begin my second year as a weight watcher. There are a couple big things coming up you won't want to miss! I haven't mentioned numbers lately, but there's a biggie around the corner that I'll shout from the mountaintops when I reach it. I'll also blog about it. You can probably guess what it is (if I haven't actually already told you) but I don't want to jinx it by writing it here. So, just keep watching. It'll happen soon enough.

Now I'm off to do more life evaluation! And maybe some other stuff.

Tracking and things

2009-04-24T07:11:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I figure I'd better blog about something or I may lose my faithful reader. So here I am! Happy?

It's been an interesting few weeks. My mom had her hip replaced 2 weeks ago. She was in the hospital for 5 days, and is now in transitional care and will stay there til next week, probably Wednesday. I'm responsible for getting her mail, taking care of her house and cat, etc. My brothers don't do it because my mom doesn't trust them to have access to her house when she's not there (and no, my brothers aren't adolescents; they're both in their 50s). My sister can only do some of it because she's allergic to cats.

I'm not complaining, it just makes for a busy couple of weeks, because I usually go and get her mail and bring it to her at the rehab facility on a daily basis, and it's not exactly around the corner. It's not incredibly far either, but it's a trip.

So I've been busy doing that. I also caught a cold. I rarely get sick, but I think this is the third illness I've had in a year or so (I'll have to go back and look at some of my blog postings, because I remember blogging about a cold that I had; and I certainly have not forgotten that stomach blow out thing I had in October which was newsworthy). Normally I'm as healthy as can be, never really get sick. And I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I almost feel like maybe I should have stayed home for a day or two during this cold. I didn't, though, because I have a ton of stuff to do here.

The weight loss is plugging along. I think I could officially say I've hit a plateau. Right now I'm .4 lbs heavier than I was 1 month ago. I've had losses in there, but I've had gains too. So, yeah, it's plateau time for me.

But, I know exactly why I'm on this plateau. It's completely 100% my own doing. This isn't a mystery. I haven't been tracking for about the last 2 weeks. Why? Because I've been eating things I shouldn't. As if not tracking them makes them not matter. You know, you can get away with that for a little while, but sooner or later it catches up with you. And that's where I'm at right now.

But, by some strange twist of fate, yesterday's meeting topic was TRACKING. Why it's important, why we do it, why we don't do it, reasons to do it. Tracking = weight loss. There's just no two ways about it. I think maybe I thought I could handle not tracking. I think I was a little cocky and thought that I could track in my head.

I will never again let myself reach that level of complacency. This is a battle for my life amigos. I can't be so flippant about it. I can't come as far as I have and then decide I can make my own rules. I'm NOT going back where I was.

I really and truly feel energized. I needed yesterday's meeting more than I've ever needed a WW meeting in my life, because this was the longest I'd ever gone without tracking, and look where it got me? I needed to hear what was said.

So, I'm going to continually, daily, ask myself "Do I want to track today?" And I will faithfully answer myself "If I want to lose weight I do."

I'm actually glad I came on here to blog amigos. This is good. I'm committing to these decisions. I'm taking control back. Isn't that funny? You think you're in control so you don't track, but really it's tracking that keeps you in control.

On another topic, tomorrow is my first riding lesson. I'm excited and apprehensive. We're going to go over ground work, saddling and proper seat. I do not yet know what style I'll be doing, English or western. I've only ever ridden western, and it's fine, but I'm intrigued by English and it seems to me that you're actually more involved with the horse when riding English. Less saddle and equipment, less between you and the horse.

And, as I write this, excitement has overtaken apprehension. :) Can hardly wait!

Well, I'll sign off. Good to be back amigos! Good to be recommitting, good to be picking up my journey where I left off.

Good for me!

I should leave the room when commercials come on...

2009-04-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

A recent commercial just irks me.

There's some new vitamin formula out there, from one a day, made specifically for teens. Not just teens in general, there are separate formulas for girl teens and boys teens. The commercial says:

Complete Multivitamins for Teen Boys & Girls to Support:*

Healthy muscle function (for Him)
Healthy skin (for Her)

So, I guess girls' muscles don't need to function healthily, and boys' skin is healthy enough that they don't need vitamins to support it.

Honestly, WTF?

I'm not anti-vitamin. I take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement with vitamin D, both suggested to me by my doctor, a decision reinforced by my own research. And of course I'd never deny that there are some vitamins and minerals that are more beneficial to either sex.

But I also think our culture is a bit vitamin crazy. From what I've read, the body can only use so much of the vitamins in supplements, that after a certain point they become useless and our body just dumps the excess. To paraphrase from the book "Eat, Drink and Be Healthy," people in the United States have the healthiest urine in the world.

I really am so annoyed with this junk. I just find it sad that in this day and age these stereotypes are still being reinforced, and about things that are so basic and important. All kids want their skin to be healthy, whether they say it or not. Boy or girl, zits are no fun. Guys should not have to worry that they actually care about their skin, and girls shouldn't worry if they're interested in their damned muscle function.

Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just a ridiculous thing. Honestly, how far is it from the old "My wife...I think I'll keep her!" that I saw when I was a kid?

What gets me more is that most people won't notice, or care. And on and on it goes.

There's a little more of me, I think.

2009-04-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Been a while, hey? Busy I guess, or not much to say, or both.

The weight loss continues, slow and steady. I had some major struggles this weekend though, so this week could see a gain.

I had a yen for sweets that couldn't be sated. Then we celebrated my brother's birthday (aka: cake was had), and then yesterday, Sunday, I just got really depressed and couldn't quit eating. No pre WW binges, thank goodness. I just ate far too much of everything. I went to the vending machine twice on Friday. I ate an entire bag of peanut butter pretzels, a couple bags of rice cakes, I put real sugar on my strawberries. I just kind of lost it all around.

There's not much rhyme or reason to these episodes. They're just there, they occur and I have to work my way through them. I'm still most definitely feeling it today, but at least I have the structure of work, and I can keep a much better handle on my eating on a weekday. Weekends, I'm just left to my own devices, and, in the case of eating, I am in fact my own worst enemy.

Hopefully the depression will lift soon and I'll be back where I need to be. There were a few moments where I was really feeling my old self rearing up. Self-defeating conversations about the weight loss struggle, how long it's going to take me, how much I have to lose.

It's amazing that my conversations with myself are so negative sometimes. Self-sabotage, much? I mean, I'd never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. It's so weird and strange. My therapist and I have hit on many things that are behind my negative self-talking, and we're working on it. It's some pretty deep stuff and I won't get into it here. I couldn't write a blog long enough to cover all of that crap.

There are definitely some good things going on too. I got to hang out with my nephew this weekend. He's five, and I absolutely love his guts. He's so adorable and funny and smart.

I also did a little baking. I've taken part in an "Eat Right Challenge" here at work, and our activity for this week was to bring a healthy snack to share at work. Another woman in my office is also doing it, and we both brought our stuff in today, which actually worked out really well! I brought a sweet (apple oat muffins) and she brought a savory (baked chips and fresh salsa).

I also made a crock pot full of lasagna yesterday. It's a new recipe, I haven't a clue how it turned out (can't tell much from that top layer), and I sort of messed up layering it because I ended up with a ton of tomato sauce that all had to be slopped on the top. I guess my 'divvying' skills aren't what I thought they were.

I made it with fat free ricotta, low fat mozarella, whole wheat noodles, crushed tomatoes and spinach. You know, you use the fat free in a dish like this and you can't even tell. And boy does it knock the points off. And it still tastes good! At least, I assume this will taste good. I did try a teeny bit last night, but you know how it is with lasagna. It's got to age a bit.

Appropos of absolutely nothing, here's my latest goof. I saw a special on some cable channel, current, I think? This band played at MoMA, it was amazing, I'd practically have killed to be there. Their version of this song made me cry. A lot. Hey, it was just that kind of weekend for me. I posted it on Facebook too. I'm not a big video fan, but this is pretty incredible.

Crabby

2009-03-27T10:20:00.001-07:00

Every day I get closer and closer to going vegetarian.

I can say I'm mostly vegetarian. The only flesh food I currently have in my home are some pouches of tuna and a pouch of crab meat. I've lost track of how long they've been there, and they're probably not safe to eat anymore!

Everything else is either fruit or vegetable, or grain, or meat facsimile (I've got some soy crumbles and chik'n tenders in my freezer).

I never flat out decided that I'd eat this way. I can and have cooked with meat, albeit not in many, many years. Many years. But even before I thought of going vegetarian I knew meat wasn't really my bag. Raw chicken makes me want to puke. Hamburger is too gross to look at. Ground turkey stinks. It's just so much easier not to cook with meat. And cheaper. Oh, and fish? Too stinky, and I never knew what kind to get, and it just seems silly because you've just got this piece of fish on your plate, and you still have to have other things to round out your meal. Why not just make a meal out of all those other things?

I'd still occasionally buy a meat based soup, or chili, but lately I don't even do that. If left to my own devices I'd probably never make or buy meat ever again.

You know what got me thinking about all this again? A recent study I read about that says that crabs feel pain. Personally, I never really doubted that crabs feel pain. I find it complete baloney when anyone actually says 'this or that doesn't feel pain' because how could you ever, ever really know without actually being whatever it is you say doesn't feel pain? How can you be so sure? How do you actually know they're not suffering? And all suffering aside, who the heck am I to decide it's time for this or that to die?

I'll admit it, I love crab. I really do. Probably my favorite seafood. But aside from that, I've also always been a fan of the crab as an animal. They're cute, in a weird way, and all that walking sideways is just adorable. When I was in South Carolina there was a little crab on the beach next to where I was sunning myself. Occasionally he'd pop out of his little hole and toss some sand. I don't know exactly what he was doing in there, but he was sure busy. They're just cool animals, and I felt conflicted about eating them. I probably haven't had crab in 3 years.

To think that they're thrown into boiling water so we can eat them. We put them in our mouths and eat them. I don't want a crab to suffer because I like the way he tastes after he's been boiled alive.

It's not the easiest thing being vegetarian. I did go full on for about a year maybe 10 years ago, and I think my biggest problem is that I want everyone to be happy, so if someone makes a meal with meat in it, I don't want to disappoint them. Silly, I know. And something I don't like is having to explain to someone that I'm vegetarian. People don't freak out or anything, but you realize once you make the switch that there aren't a whole lot of them out there. Public support is not necessarily in your favor.

So, I still haven't committed. But every day I get one step closer. This is the closest I've been in a long while. It's those damned crabs, I tell you. Who would have thought that a crab is what would push me over the edge?

Lost in cyberspace

2009-03-26T13:17:00.001-07:00

I found out something today that made me very, very sad. I had received an email from Guy Picciotto of Fugazi last summer. He's the guy in the orange shirt in the video on the sidebar over there.

I had sent the band an email telling them about a mention in a local magazine that one of their shows ranked in the top 10 shows ever to go down in Milwaukee. I was at that show, and it's in my top 5. Anyway, Guy is the one who opened the email and he sent the nicest response back. Nothing long or drawn out, just 'thank you' and telling me how much he appreciated hearing it, and that it amazes him that there's still a following (I had to restrain myself from writing back to him and repeating I LOVE YOU ad nauseum...).

Well, somewhere within the last month or so, I deleted the email. Not on purpose of course, but it's nowhere to be found. I've tried and tried. It's just not there anymore. It's not completely out of the realm of things that happen, considering the fact that my email account tells me frequently in urgent messages that I'm running out of room (I haven't yet determined if it's true or if it's just yanking me) and I'll frantically get rid of stuff I don't need.

Well, somehow, that email got put in with the stuff I thought I didn't need, and now it's gone.

I don't know, I know it's not the end of the world. But it was a really nice note, and the guy (Guy) wrote Margin Walker for crying out loud...he wrote some of the most brilliant lyrics I've ever heard...and what did I do? I deleted his email.

Sigh.

I momentarily toyed with sending another email in the hopes that somehow I'd hear back again, but I think that would just be getting weird.

And I realize this is something that probably means nothing to anyone outside of me, so it's not like this email gave me bragging rights or anything.

It just meant a lot to me, and now it's gone.

On a different note, I get weighed in tonight. No idea where things are going to go. I had a weird week. Some weird binging episodes (rice cakes) and some extreme exercise, so I just don't know.

I do think I'm in need of some new pants again. Getting ready to drop down another size, amigos.

Triggers

2009-03-23T08:28:00.001-07:00

Hola Amigos,

So tired today, so very tired. I always stay up too late on Sunday nights, prolonging the weekend, I figure. This weekend went by way too fast and I was trying to squeeze out every minute I could. It doesn't really help...

Weight loss is going well. However, the list of things that I must acknowledge as triggers keeps growing and growing. Outpost, peanut butter, Outpost peanut butter, rice cakes (how flipping sad is THAT?), boxed cold cereal, any type of butter spread, cheese, eggs (eggs are a trigger...what can I say about that?), nuts of many types, Weight Watchers frozen novelties, Skinny Cow frozen novelties, generic frozen novelties, frozen dinners, Morningstar farms meatless convenience foods (like soy corn dogs, 'chik'n' tenders).

I'm OK with all of this. I just wish I could keep my wits about me around these foods. But I just can't amigos. If they're in the house I'm going to think about them, and if I think about them I'm going to eat them. How I wish I was one of those people who could just let something be. But I never could. I'd try, but I'd just keep eating whatever it is until it's gone.

But now I have them in writing, right here in black and white. The things I noted above cannot come into my house. Well, maybe eggs. I mean, I never really binge on eggs. I probably eat them more often than a person should, but I don't eat too many of them at a time. It's not like I fry up a dozen eggs and have them at one sitting or anything. They're just so dang easy.

What else is new here...I donated blood on Saturday. I didn't realize how long it had been since the last time I donated. They're all automated now. You still need a human to take your blood pressure and test your iron and all that. But the lengthy (and I mean lengthy) questionnaire they used to give you is now on a touch-screen computer. It was interesting. I did OK, but it was obvious it had been a while because I was pretty wiped out.

But I was reminded why I do it in the first place. People always need blood. The nurses were telling me about a patient who recently used 400 units of blood during one procedure. He was a hemophiliac and was having surgery to remove a 200 pound tumor. They'd put the surgery off as long as they could, until the risks of not doing it outweighed the risks of doing it. I can't even imagine, all that blood.

I'm B+. Only about 12% of the population have this blood type, so the need for my type is almost always 'critical.' It's been critical since I began donating blood in the late 80s. Just the nature of the beast.

After donating, you get to sit in the commissary and have some juice and some sort of snack. The goodies this morning were donated by Panera...couldn't pass that up. So I had a muffin top. It was actually a pretty reasonable portion, nothing outrageous. I also had a little OJ. Canned OJ. That just doesn't seem right, does it?

I came in to work this weekend too. I've been doing so much training that I was falling behind in other things. I just needed several hours to focus and get some stuff organized and off my desk. Thankfully it worked!

Yesterday I took my dogs for a long, long walk. I walk them individually. It's just easier. Between the two they are 130 pounds of dog and it's a bit overwhelming when you're trying to carry poop bags (containing actual poop) and keep things under control. And I like the individual time with them. They are both excellent walking companions. Stella and I were out for over an hour, and Ravi for just over a half hour, so we really got to enjoy ourselves.

Well, I'm rambling again. I've got stuff to do so I'll sign off. This all started as an acknowledgment of my triggers, so I'll wrap up by reminding myself of that fact. I've come too far to let my old habits take over again. So what if I've replaced my old, really bad triggers (Arby's, Culvers, Krispy Kreme) with not so bad triggers (rice cakes, nuts, cold cereal). The behavior is the same and it's the behavior I need to stop. Overeating is overeating, n'est-ce pas?

Bye WAC

2009-03-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Well, I did it. I swallowed my pride and called up the Wisconsin Athletic Club and cancelled my membership.

It's strange how hard that was for me to do. I'm sad about it. It took me forever to make up my mind, and after I made my mind up to do it, it took me a couple additional days to actually do it.

Those feelings are being overshadowed now by a feeling of relief. I really couldn't afford it, amigos. Or, I just couldn't justify paying for it anymore. I used the WAC a ton, but when I experienced my knee injury last year there was precious little I could do other than swim (doctor's orders). Then came the surgery, and another set back. That was months away from the gym.

Ironically I think I actually injured myself at the WAC. Prior to that? No knee pain. Several months of workouts there? Knee pain.

Anyway, I started to get back into the groove of it mid to late last year. Hired a personal trainer, all that. But then all hell started breaking loose in the financial area, and the next thing I knew I was struggling to make it from paycheck to paycheck. It's never been a walk in the park, but it's also never been impossible.

It didn't affect my trips to the WAC, I kept up a couple visits a week. But then I started thinking, is what I'm paying really worth it for just a couple trips a week? I could have gone more I suppose, but I was doing so many other things. Things I legitimately want to do! Volunteering, walking my dogs, spending more time with my family.

I realize that exercise is key to weight loss. I'm living proof. I wouldn't be anywhere near what I've lost now if I didn't move as much as I do. But what I've been enjoying is walking. I walk on breaks at work. I walk my dogs around the neighborhood. I walk the mall after my WW meeting.

So, after much thought, I decided I'm just not cut out monetarily to be a member there. Actually, my first year there was a gift from my mother to begin with, bless her. And I do believe I got my money's worth. But right now I need the money.

I took a sacrifice on my Netflix as well and dropped down to the bare bones subscription. I figured that was a no-brainer considering I've had the same 2 movies at my house for a month and a half. When I do have the time to watch them, I don't FEEL like watching them!

It's a start.

I wish I was strong enough to get rid of some other things. Cable TV for instance. Land-line telephone. Prescriptions. But rather than chop something else out of my budget right away, I'm going to let this take effect.

I can get rid of cable. I've done it before. It's not that big of a deal. I think the problem is I've gotten hooked to DVR.

Anyway, no more gym for me amigos. I'll just be hoofin it from now on, I guess. My dogs will thank me.

Little Oaties

2009-03-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

Remember how in my last post I said I ate to beat the band? Well, it showed in my weigh in last night. Not horribly (1.6 lbs) and I wasn't surprised nor was I disappointed. Just life, I said.

So how did I spend my evening after my meeting? I took my requisite walk around the mall (2 rounds), and went to Outpost to buy some snacks because I was hungry and Outpost being a natural foods cooperative I can't really do too much damage. Right?

Uhhh, no, that'd be wrong. Really really wrong. I bought 2 large chocolate chip cookies, a krispy type bar, a decadent brownie (which is the official name of said brownie, but it's the perfect descriptor), some falafel and a cookie they call 'little oatie' which is the organic equivalent of a Little Debbie oatmeal cream cookie (it's to DIE for). Ostensibly I had it in my head that I wouldn't eat all that last night, but...

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I think, sadly, I need to stay away from Outpost. I don't like the prospect because it's a locally owned cooperative (I'm a bona fide fully vested owner of this particular co-op), it's great, the food is incredible, and it's near by. I do know I can't give it up completely, or not until I can find Annie's Naturals Buttermilk Salad Dressing in some other location.

But, as my WW buddy Alabaster Mom so aptly said, Outpost is a trigger.

I never wanted to admit Oupost was a trigger. But I can't bury my head in the sand any longer. It's a trigger. I just need to be strong, walk into Outpost with a list (upon which I have not written "little oaties" of course).

Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies by any other name are still Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies, after all.

Lost weekend

2009-03-10T07:14:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Well, I ate to beat the band this weekend. I was very good during last week and got a lot of walking in. I've been doing well this week since yesterday. Saturday and Sunday? Not so much. It was the annual Green Acres girls weekend in Door County. Always a fun time, with copious amounts of home made goodies (to which I contributed).

I ate so much, amigos. I lost track. Vegan chocolate rice krispie bars (more than I care to remember...they're just addictive), peanut butter pie, chick pea cutlets (YUM), triscuits, salads, brownies. I've actually managed to forget some of the other things (food blackout?). I didn't count a single point. I'm totally OK with that.

2 of my buddies came to get me Sunday (the angels that they are--thanks Ladies!), so I got a bit of a workout in at the hotel fitness room. Then yesterday I took 2 walks at work and took the dogs out (individually) when I got home. So I've been clocking activity points all over the place. Have I clocked enough to burn everything I ate? I highly doubt it. A girl can't eat half of a peanut butter pie and expect it to come flying off her butt just because she gets a little walking in.

But, like I said, I'm OK with it. It made for a fun weekend. The only bad thing was that the weekend corresponded with an inexplicable sugar craving I had. It's completely left me now. Figures, hey?

We shall see if my DC trip is reflected in my weigh in on Thursday. I hope it isn't, of course, but i won't be surprised or defeated if it is. This is what life's all about. If I can't cut loose and indulge occasionally I don't think I could live with this plan.

Complaining

2009-03-01T07:21:00.001-08:00

Hey Amigos,

I've been a terrible blogger, I know. Mea culpa. Work has been an everloving nightmare. I've taken on a new project and am in the process of hiring 3 new student assistants. I'd explain in more detail the reasoning and inanity behind all of this, but I also want to keep my job. So, I'm doing what I need to do, but it does take over my life.

Thankfully it looks like the hiring is complete. Know what I love? Students who call and email multiple times, are all over you to come in and interview, tell you how much they need the job, how they want to start work right away, so then you offer them the job and they're all excited, so you get their paperwork rolling and then you never hear from them, and you end up sending them an ultimatum so that you can offer the job to someone who sincerely wants it. I know this is nothing new, people have been doing this from the first job interview that ever occurred. Well, I should say, inconsiderate people. Me, I've never done any such thing. Hand to God, it's the truth. I just think it takes a lot of cheek to dick me around and no matter how many times it happens it irks me.

I have a friend who says "You're surprised?" or things of that nature, they're college students, blah blah blah. I say, "tell me something I don't know." No, of course I'm not surprised. But that'll be the day when I actually accept this sort of thing as being OK. And I'd say 18 or 19 is a pretty young age to start pulling this kind of crap. In the words of George Costanza, "We're living in a society here."

What else, what else. I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of WW yesterday. Longest I've ever stuck with a program by a HUGE margin. I'm quite happy and content with it too, comfortable with the way the program works. This is the one, people. My weigh in this week wasn't particularly what I would have liked (up 2.2 lbs) but it's all part of the process. The receptionist at my meeting is the one who weighed me in. The woman has a room temperature IQ and never fails to screw something up. When I sat down I saw that she hadn't put my sticker for the week (that records weight loss, total weight, etc.) in my booklet. So I went back and she couldn't find it, which led me to assume (correctly I might add) that she'd adhered it to someone else's booklet. She was going on and on about how sometimes the system doesn't print a sticker and how next week the total will be OK and how it's just a glitch in the system. So I told her the check's in the mail and the dog ate my homework...

Puhlease. So a little while later she tracks me down and tells me that my sticker was indeed in someone else's booklet. I wasn't angry, but I wasn't happy either. All I could think of was the woman who actually got my sticker and the shock she must have felt at seeing what the total was, before realizing it wasn't her total (trust me, everyone looks at the numbers first, not the name). I'm still I'd say a good 50 lbs heavier than most women in the room and the woman who got my sticker wasn't a large woman.

Honest to God, I just can't have that woman weigh me anymore.

Apropos of nothing, I saw a commercial for a tv show that I've never watched but I understand it has quite a following, John and Kate plus 8. I guess they're a couple who had 2 kids, and then a set of sextuplets and they don't seem to mind whoring themselves and their children out on national television. (Apologies if you like the show...I just can't abide by it). The latest episode is about 2 puppies that they've added.

I had to suppress my urge to puke when I saw that commercial. Now I can't say for sure they didn't adopt these dogs. I don't watch it. But, they're not dogs. They're puppies. I'm not even sure if all their children are out of diapers (the sextuplets are very young). WTF are they doing getting puppies? It honestly makes me so bloody angry that I can hardly even write about it. There are thousands upon thousands of family friendly dogs, adult dogs, who would make an ideal pet for a large clan such as theirs. Why not adopt? Why not adopt a dog who is already house-trained, already kid-friendly, who won't put such a burden on a family? Of course, they have a television crew and probably have the money and the resources to have the pups professionally trained, boarded, put in day care, etc., so I guess it's all OK...

I was in Petsmart the other day. There was a woman there with a boxer puppy. And adorable brindle boxer pup. I love boxers. I love puppies. I'm not made of stone. But I didn't even crack a smile. I actually felt contempt. I know I shouldn't, but I did. But I know how many boxers there are looking for homes, I know there aren't enough homes for them all, and there are boxers being put to sleep as we speak because of overpopulation. How could I feel congratulatory toward a person who buys a pup? I can't wait until she moves/gets married/loses her job/has a baby or any of the other myriad things that happen to people that make it 'necessary' for them to abandon the animal they took in.

Sorry, I know this post is bitter, vitriolic, but I've honestly had it lately. Then yesterday I had to spend 4 hours at the adoption center...like nails on a chalkboard it is. We had someone apply who listed her address, but upon further questioning admitted that they didn't actually live there yet. When asked if there were other pets in the home they answered "I don't know." How does a person respond to that? This individual had never had a pet of their own, but wanted a 7 month old tortoiseshell kitten...

Then we had some tool come in at 10 minutes to close who immediately started complaining. We sent a few animals home yesterday and their cages were empty, not clean (a few pieces of kibble here and there, and some random fur) but weren't dirty. They were empty for Christ's sake. But the guys says "Don't you people clean around here?" One of our well-meaning volunteers started to explain. I, being jaded, just shut the guy out at that point. Essentially 80% of the people who walk in there know how to do the job we're doing better than we do, you see. I have to listen to all the arguments about how declawing is the best thing you can do for your pet, how cruel we are for keeping them in cages, how mean we are for asking people not to touch our cats, how our adoption policies are too stringent...

I'm so tired of it all. Just so tired. You'd never know it. I'm nice, polite and patient. I explain things as best I can. And I know people can and do leave there better educated. I think I know what my issue is. I probably shouldn't go there 3 weekends in a row, for 4 hours at a pop.

Again, sorry for the bitterness!!! I tend to keep this stuff to myself a lot, in the name of peace and customer service. Feels good to let it out occasionally.

Not much else is new. I'm going to Door County with some of my boxer buddies this coming weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Even getting away for a weekend is welcome.

Alright, signing off now. Until next time!

Sorry for the silence!

2009-02-19T07:23:00.000-08:00

Apologies, amigos! Sorry for being so silent. No particular reason, just didn't have much to say.

I actually don't have a lot to talk about right now either, but I figured I needed to put something in here.

Work has been nothing short of awful lately. I won't go into why, just that it stresses me out. My personal life has been so-so. Not great. A couple things were getting me down, and then it just started a spiral into depression. Last weekend was tough. Not to worry, though, I'm going to see my therapist on Monday, we'll talk all about it. It's sometimes hard to describe, how that all feels. It begins with negative thoughts, and those negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts, and then no matter how hard I try I can't get positive again.

It really sucks.

I'm feeling better though, so don't sweat it. And there's good stuff in there too, so don't sweat that either. Like my horse class. I had my last one on Monday, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. Nice instructor, nice classmates (all 2 of them), nice horses. I've decided to take the plunge and will begin lessons in the spring. It's extravagant, to be sure, but it's also my dream. If fulfilling my dream means cancelling my cable TV or athletic club membership (and you can probably figure out which item will win THAT cage match), so be it. I don't really care. I want to learn to ride and I'm going to do it.

I have done a lot of work and research, and I am comfortable in saying that the people who own the stables and run the barn are really, really good. Everything about what they do is above board. They live on the property, steps from the horses. They have a viewing area where you can watch the lessons. Their horses are incredibly well cared for, and seem quite content and happy. They practice natural horsemanship. And one of their instructors sort of specializes in people like me. Women of a certain age who are fulfilling their desire to work with horses. It's just the perfect place for me.

So that's good.

I'll be sure to let you know all about what I'm learning. I think the semester starts in April, so I have a month or so to get prepared. I would like to lose some more weight and have every intention on doing just that.

Speaking of which, the weight loss is good. The setback I had over the holidays is still affecting my total (just that it takes about 3 times as long to lose it as it did to gain it), but I've gotten back in the groove and have been consistently losing. I've got a big, big milestone coming up, so that's my next goal.

I'm going to sign off now. Just wanted to pop in and give you an update. I'll try and come up with something better next post.

Adios!

Horse Class!

2009-02-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos,

Did I tell you all that I was taking a class called "The Wonderful World of Horses"? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to go looking at older posts. ANYway, I had my second class last night, and we actually got to work with one of the horses, and I'm absolutely in LOVE with them, even more than I ever have been. Last night it was abundantly clear that horses are my thing.

Our instructor, Rosanne, had us simply move the horse, a beautiful red mare. First with just our words and body language, no reins or rope (we weren't ON the horse, this was strictly ground work). It didn't work for me at first. I was trying to get her to turn right and she just kept lifting her massive head over my puny one so I'd end up on her other side. So, I changed things up. I moved back a little and clucked my tongue at her and just generally started walking into her, and sure enough she turned for me. That was cool. Then Rosanne put a bridle on her with a rope attached. This time I was to hold the rope and make sure that she didn't move! I think that's a lot of what working with horses is. Getting them to go where you want, and getting them to stay out of where you don't!

This horse wanted to be near us, so she definitely wasn't just going to stand there. So as soon as I saw her begin to take a step I just put my hand up and said "No." Not loudly, but firmly. And sure enough, she was right at attention and stayed put. I think my work with dogs gave me just the right amount of firmness and assuredness. Not that working with dogs and horses is that similar. You need some of the same skills, it's the psychology of the animal that makes the difference.

Then I had to hold the rope with her next to me, and keep still while ensuring she didn't go anywhere. Not as easy as it sounds, but I did it.

I told Rosanne what was so hard is that what I really want to do is hug the horse! I haven't ever gotten that out of my system, I just want to walk up to them, put my arms around their neck and hug them and pet them, talk to them, hang out with them.

Yeah, I've got a problem. That little 8 year old girl who fell in love with Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague and Fury is still in me.

I have learned SO much in just these 2 classes. I won't go in to everything I've learned, it's just too much. Bottom line, I love it. The instructor is awesome, so knowledgeable, calm and patient. And the other 2 women in the class are so super nice. I thought I may have been at a disadvantage because they both know the owners (one woman's daughter is taking lessons; the other woman actually was taking lessons but suffered a fall and is slowly working her way back). But I've been welcomed with open arms and feel on equal footing with everyone.

I even have homework! I need to clip ads for horses for sale, because next week we're going to talk about actually purchasing and owning a horse. Not that I could ever do that, but it's all part of the process, and stuff that I should know.

Next week I'll be doing more actual hands on work, and I can hardly wait!

Not too much else is new. Doing well on the old weight loss front. I am very near a milestone and am hoping to blow past it this week. Think light thoughts amigos.

Happy Birthday, Pop!

2009-01-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

This is my dad. This picture was probably taken...well, seeing as my dad always looked pretty much the same, it's kind of hard to say. He was probably in his early 30s? He always looked older, and studious.

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 75 this year. He died 10 years ago last week (why do men in my family die on or near their birthdays?). It completely stinks not to have him around, and believe me when I tell you that 10 years passing doesn't make me miss him less.

I told my mom that what really got me is that he was there one day and gone the next, just like someone reached down and plucked him off the earth. And what is one of the hardest things is that I wasn't done with him yet. Not that I ever would have been, but I found myself always and forever in awe of my dad's intellect, and learning from him constantly. And I have yet to find anyone who I put such faith in. If I asked my dad something, his answer was THE answer. Now, I do have a mind of my own, of course, and he and I disagreed and butted heads on plenty of things. And there were plenty of questions I didn't ask him! But when I asked him something, I didn't have to question it. Like when I was buying my house. That was all me and my dad. He went with me to look at it, and saw me through everything right down to getting the keys (not physically; I am pretty independent; but questions or concerns on things financial or other aspects of home owning? He was the guy).

Once he made me practice math over the summer because I'd had a rough go of it and he knew I could do better (he was right about that, too; I did great in math in high school, but hated it in grade school). So I got a workbook from school at the beginning of the summer and would do the work and give it to him to correct. I remember getting very confused about fractions (I don't remember the specifics, but it was something relatively complicated, like how you multiply them or something) so I asked him, and he explained it to me right then and I kept going.

Now, if you were to come up to me asking me to help you multiply fractions, well, you'd be out of luck pal. And strangely, I am the age that he was then. And I don't have all the stuff that he had in his head. I'm single with no kids, and I'm not responsible for the daily operations of a large university, as he was. And yet he remembered how to multiply fractions, just like that. How the eff did he remember THAT?

He could help me with my French homework because he could read French. His grammar and spelling were impeccable, he wrote articles and books, he had so much knowledge between his ears.

He was a stubborn man, and he could really get a temper, and he was far too conservative in many aspects, IMHO. But criminy was he smart. When my mom first started going out with him she didn't realize he was an entire year younger than she, because they were in the same class in high school. The reason behind that is because my dad skipped a grade. And he only stayed in my mom's high school for a year because he got bored and didn't feel the education there was doing him any good.

My grandma used to get calls from school regularly at home or at work because my dad would leave school and go play pool. He was just that smart. Crap that I had to work at and pull my hair out over, he could do in his sleep. And I'm on the smart side, amigos.

But I digress.

I'd like to think I've done pretty well since he passed. I'm a pretty darned happy person all things considered, and I do well and I like to think I help make the world a better place in some way. But there is nothing, nothing in the world, nothing and no one, who could ever take the place of my dad. I won't see the likes of him until we meet up again, some day.

Happy Birthday, Dad. Boozer loves you and misses you. Every damn day.

Weekend success

2009-01-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos,

I had me a good weekend! I decided that I'd cut loose a little too much the past month or so. What I mean by that is, I kind of took a free pass on weigh in day (Thursday) because, ya know, I've got a whole week before I get weighed in again. Well, that free pass would spill over into Friday. Then maybe even Saturday. And Sunday is usually dinner with one family member or another.

I never did anything truly heinous. But I did feel that I could operate a little fast and loose, seeing as there are a couple days where I can fly the straight and narrow and make up for any mistakes I've made.

Well, I started thinking about that. I mulled it over. I talked about it with my buddy Alabaster Mom (an in the flesh lifetime member...if you're trying to lose weight, befriend a lifetime member and get all the information out of them that you can! They're precious!!). I mulled some more. And I realized that I could indeed run a little fast and loose when there is a whole bunch of time between my weigh ins.

But I also realized that every time I did that, I would be taking that much longer to reach my goal. I'm not in a hurry, but it's just another form of sabotage that I can't fall prey to.

I think the more times I got away with it, the more I would think it was OK. And it's not OK. I'm not really applying what I'm learning if I'm still (allow me to use a 12 step term) losing my food 'sanity.' I'm not really getting a handle on my problem of overeating if I do that.

So I decided enough's enough. After my meeting on Thursday I went home and had a perfectly sane meal, and tracked every bite of it. And I did the same for the rest of the weekend. No more free passes for me, amigos.

I'm closing in on another milestone. I'll tell you all about it when I hit it. Give me a couple weeks.

What else is new. Well, what else is new that you may be interested in...

I've been doing some ebaying. That place is addictive. I haven't sold anything, just bidding. See, I'm a backpack purse girl. I've gotten so used to using a backpack purse that the over-the-shoulder kind don't work too well for me. Well, backpack purses are a bit hard to find these days. That is, until you hit ebay! So, I've been lucky and snagged a couple of very nice backpack bags. But now I can't stop looking. I don't NEED anything. But there's something about the whole auction process. Ebay is also a good place to find nickel free earrings. If you're looking for them. I have to wear nickel free jewelry. For years I struggled with my pierced ears. Even surgical steel made them puff up. But once I caught on to the nickel free business I can now wear earrings with no trouble at all.

I could always tell when earrings were going to bother me. I'd put them in and wait. I'd say maybe after an hour the itching would start. And then I wouldn't be able to wear earrings for a week while the puffiness went down. It wasn't pretty. I can't wear bracelets. And necklaces cause quite a scene. I do have one ring that I wear, but it's high quality gold; it probably has little to no nickel in it. A little back story on that ring. I've grown to like my birthstone, the peridot. I decided for my 40th birthday that it was high time I had at least one piece of good, quality jewelry. Up until then I had nothing but costume jewelry. So I went all out and bought a beautiful peridot and diamond ring. Since I've lost so much weight I have to wear it on my middle finger, and I'm not sure how much longer it's going to stay there. But a day doesn't go by that I don't wear that ring.

Hm. I wonder if I should celebrate my weight loss. When I reach my goal that is. Notice I said when. Hm. I'm going to think about that for a while.

Anyway, here's to a successful weekend. I am actually looking forward to this week's weigh in. I'm 1.8 lbs away from a significant milestone, and will then be only 10 lbs away from an even more significant milestone. Plus my 1 year anniversary of being on-program is coming up. Man, I've got a lot of reasons to celebrate!

Well, not just yet. But soon.

Facebook is scary

2009-01-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

Hola Amigos,

Facebook is sort of fun, sometimes, but mostly I find it frightening. This has nothing to do with any of my buddies on Facebook (you know who you are), they're the fun part of it.

What I'm afraid of is I am not sure how much I want to be tapped into this whole 'let's publish our lives' sort of thing. Of course, I do have this blog. But I control that pretty well, keep things ambiguous enough to feel relatively safe, and a person would have to know me or dig pretty hard to find this little gem.

But now that I'm on Facebook...

Oh, I'll cut to the chase here. I got 'friended' by someone I went to grade school and high school with. A perfectly nice woman, that's not a problem. She recently asked me for my address and email because she's putting together a 'reunion' of our grade school graduating class. We graduated in 1979, so this year would make it 30 years.

Maybe you all had better experiences with grade school, and I have no doubt that her experience was better than mine. But to me, grade school was hell. I was so, so incredibly unhappy.

I can give examples, of course. I think I will, actually. But let me preface them by saying that I'm not a bitter person. I do not hold grudges. I don't remain angry (on the rare occasions that I get angry at all). I don't tend to ever 'hate' people (except in a global, general way: I hate Dick Cheney; I hate Sarah Palin; that sort of thing). But when you're 11, 12, 13...you're old enough to remember things that hurt you. I don't mean I still feel any pain about it now. Being an adult has given me perspective and I can think about things that happened without feeling one thing over another. But try as I might, I never really forget. The forgiving part I have down pat. The forgetting, not so much.

I wasn't ostracized per se. I had friends. But I went to a pretty crappy school, I got a pretty crappy education, and my classmates were often pretty crappy themselves.

The school would never admit to being crappy. But they were crappy with a capital crappy. This was a Catholic grade school that I HAD to attend because that was the church where people in my neighborhood had to go. You COULD attend a different one, but you weren't supposed to. This was the grade school for my address. And God knows my parents weren't going to mess around with that (as a side note, what did my parents do the minute I was out of grade school? Started going to another church; they didn't like it there any more than I did; thanks a mil, mom and pop).

Things started out OK. I transferred at the end of third grade. You know, 4th, 5th, even 6th grade, everyone seemed to be on equal footing. Things started getting ugly in 7th grade, and from that point forward it was just an endurance test for me.

Oh, there's so much back story here. It wasn't just my fellow students who got to me, it was the damn teachers. I don't know if you've ever been in a class where the teacher obviously doesn't like you. It's not fun, folks. My homeroom teacher for all of 7th grade never got my name right. Not once. And it wasn't like a class of 80 or something. I was one of maybe 20 kids. I don't mean she pronounced it wrong. I mean she called me by an entirely different name from the first day of school to the last.

I had teachers who actively ridiculed kids for getting things wrong (including me). I had teachers who by today's standards would lose their jobs for the 'affection' they used to show some of the girls, to the complete exclusion of other students. Do you have any idea how much that can mess with your head? Of course you must remember this was a Catholic school in the 70s. So much shit could go down and they'd do absolutely nothing about it. Not a fun environment.

And the kids, well. What can I say? It was just a long stream of gossip I wasn't in on, parties I wasn't invited to, disappointment after disappointment. Of course now it's all so ridiculous and I couldn't care less. But honestly amigos, some of these people were JUST NOT NICE. For all that Catholic teaching and living like Jesus and 'do unto others' baloney they crammed down our throats...well, let's just say that a lot of folks talked the talk, but not many walked the walk, teacher, student, priest alike.

I remember going horseback riding with some girls. I arranged the whole thing. And my dad, the sweetheart that he was, agreed to drive us to the stable. And while we were riding (usually for an hour or 90 minutes) he'd just sit in the car and read. We did this two or three times; same girls, same stable, same dad. And I remember vividly having them come up to me some time later and tell me all about how they went riding and how much fun it was, and how I would have had fun had I been with them. So...they just didn't invite me. And then felt the need to come and tell me all about it. A 13 year old person has to know that's not right. I was 13. I knew it wasn't right.

Oh, and then there was the 'reunion' that they had the summer after 8th grade. I found out about it after the fact. Everyone was invited except me and a few friends. WTF is that all about?

And like I said, these things don't make me mad. They didn't scar me for life and I don't really care about any of it anymore. But tell me, why on EARTH would I ever care to see any of these people ever again? Why? What possible reason could I have? They weren't nice people then. All but 3 girls from my class went to my high school. High school (which I loved) didn't make them any nicer. And sure, it's 30 years. Of course they've changed. I've changed, we've all changed. But at reunions, isn't there a lot of reminiscing, trips down memory lane, etc.? I'm so completely not interested in any of that. And I happen to be blessed with some of the most wonderful friends a person could ever hope for; I'd much rather spend time with them than try and rekindle anything with these folks.

I'm in the book. If they decide they want to talk with me now, or see what I'm up to, they can call me. But I'm certainly not going to walk right into it. I've got so many other, better things to do.

In conclusion, Facebook is scary.

As Promised

2009-01-18T13:22:00.001-08:00

So, I said I'd add a picture, so here is a picture. My friend J happened to be taking them on Friday when we were celebrating a friend's 25th birthday. He's had several 25th birthday celebrations. He decided he'd celebrated his 18th birthday often enough that he was ready to move on. This one is of me and my friend Miss Yo. We were at a place called Bravo and generally having a good time and getting caught up.

Not much else is going on around here. I'm off today, which is nice. And I'm really looking forward to our new president being sworn in tomorrow. I get goosebumps whenever I think about it.

OK, off to get something accomplished with my time at home!

Countdown

2009-01-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

In about a month and a half I'll have been a member of Weight Watchers for a year. I am really hoping that I can consistently take off some weight between now and then.

Why, you ask? Because I want to be able to say "I lost X pounds in a year. How do you like THEM apples???" Maybe if I'm lucky it'll be a great number, AND it'll be even so I won't have to make the choice of rounding up, or down. That's a tough one, you see. My self-deprecation dictates that I'd round down and say I lost less than I did. But the sublimation-ist in me would round up and convince myself that's how much I lost.

We shall see. The upcoming date of that particular weigh in will be February 26. So tune in. Unless it's bad. Then don't. But of course, you won't know that unless you tune in...

It was such a nice meeting last week, I was SO happy to see my leader again. I never thought I'd get so attached to one leader over another, but once you've had a leader like C, well, you know how good a meeting can be. Of course that means she'll have to continue being my leader until one of us dies. But I'm OK with that.

She asked the group how many of us attended the meeting during the last 2 weeks. See, my meeting is Thursday nights, and the previous 2 Thursdays there were no meetings (Christmas day, and New Year's day). I didn't miss a meeting at all. I didn't just go one out of the two weeks. I attended meetings both weeks. Just on a different day.

So, anyway, she asked the group who among us attended meetings, and out of the entire class (and there were a lot of people there; you new year's resolutioners jammed the place; yeah, I'm talking about you! got a problem with that?) I and 2 or 3 other women raised our hands.

I was really shocked. Now I'm not saying anything about the people who didn't attend. I don't really care. I just thought that there would be more. And, I was proud of myself. I could have taken a pass. I could have found excuses and probably been OK with that. But I didn't. I got my butt up on 2 consecutive Saturday mornings and drove to my meeting. And I'm incredibly glad I did.

I realize writing this, that in my entire time with WW, I haven't missed a single meeting. I'm proud of myself for that, I really am. I showed myself I can do it. I showed the fat broad who sat down in that chair the first meeting, who was bigger than anyone else in the class (in case you're wondering I'm referring to myself), that I can do it.

Yesterday I went to see one of my doctors and gave him an update of what my life's been like, and I started getting really animated when I talked about how long I've been at it and how the changes I've made have become permanent. I think I may have freaked him out a little, but come on, that's a big deal!

Even if my weight loss is slowing down (it is; I'm going down, but not as rapidly, which is expected and just fine), I've kept it up for almost a year. I've committed myself to changing my eating habits, and it's worked!

I think I'm going to post some pictures. I'd say my blog is just a tad on the boring side and could use my bright smiling face and multiple chins to add a little character. I was afraid to do so before, but I'm less afraid now.

Hey, I saw they had Glamour Shots on sale at the mall the other day. There's a thought.

Refocus refocus refocus refocus...

2009-01-06T09:59:00.001-08:00

Not sure if you noticed, but I need to refocus. Yesterday I felt just a little off.

Physically I felt fine. But throughout the day I was having issues with food, and the wanting of great amounts of it. That's how I roll sometimes.

I had what I normally have for breakfast on a work day. This consists of Bob's Red Mill 8 Grain Hot Cereal (which is phenomenal; my reader may remember me blogging about having instant oatmeal every day; well, when I realized how much added sugar it had I decided to shake things up; after reading an article in the Nutrition Action Health Letter, which is like Consumer Reports for foodies, I decided this stuff was the way to go), with about a tablespoon or so of brown sugar (I'm working on weaning myself off it, so don't worry; it's just not something I can do overnight) and soy milk.

It makes for a very filling breakfast.

Usually by around 10:00 or so I'm feeling peckish. Well, yesterday I could not keep thoughts of inappropriate foods from entering my mind. And then it got all weird where I was starting to resent how I couldn't eat them because I really have no control once I start in, and then I could feel my resolve weakening.

When I got hungry enough I ate some pineapple I brought, and then I was fine. But it was a fight amigos. I didn't want the pineapple. I resented the pineapple. There was nothing wrong with the pineapple. The pineapple was delicious. But, the pineapple is not a bagel sandwich from Bruegger's. Nor is it donuts from the Pick n Save bakery. Or an omelet platter from IHOP. Or cinnamon toast.

So, when I'm done eating, the cravings are gone and all is well, which is much better than if I'd eaten the wrong thing, where I'd probably still have cravings heaped with tremendous amounts of guilt.

But boy is it a struggle to eat right. Such a dichotomy. I like eating right. It feels good. I feel good. It tastes good. I honestly feel more alive, so to speak, when I eat more fruits and vegetables, like eating something it its purist form makes the nutrients just get my whole cell structure tingling.

So, why isn't this enough to beat the thoughts of fried cheese curds out of my mind? Hm? Can someone tell me that?

For whatever reason the struggle seems a little more intense right now. If I had to take a guess it would be because of the holidays, that I indulged in some of the things that I'd been keeping away from for so long, that I'd eaten what I wanted when I wanted for a few days. Going back is hard.

But, alas, it's the choice that must be made.

The struggle continued into the evening. I persevered, but it was hard. I'd eat part of my dinner and think about more stuff I wanted. The thoughts were still hanging around me. I guess the important thing is that I didn't cave in to them.

Of course caving in would have meant getting in the car and going to buy something, because I honestly don't have that much in the house that's bad, and that's just not something I'd do. But the old me would have, I think. If I craved something enough.

We're closing in on a year, amigos. My first weight watchers meeting was February 29, 2008. That day changed everything. But I guess I'll only celebrate it every 4 years? Hadn't thought of that...

Oh, something funny. In my cleaning up efforts I found an old journal from maybe 14 or 15 years ago (I have several journals in various stages of writing; never really consistently did it, not even when I was a kid). I was actually glad I found it because it was the one where I know I had written my weight at the time.

So I figured out in the course of reading that 14 or 15 years ago I was a basket case (no duh) who weighed just about what I do now. The difference is that was me on the way up. I'm looking at it on the way down now, and my entire perspective has changed. I feel so much more positive about myself now, hopeful.

What made me chuckle was that I was all hopped up on trying Dean Ornish's eating plan (I think he called it eat more-weigh less; how could I resist? Of course, it's not as glamorous as it sounds; it's not like he's saying "Eat more Bugles-weigh less").

So back then I was still working it, still trying to find the golden ticket to weight loss. Happily, though, enough other things have changed about me since then that I realize I'm a much better adjusted person.

Anyway, my point of this blog was that I feel the need to refocus because I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time dealing with the desire to revert back to my bad habits. Strangely, I feel better already. And I see the snacks I have for the afternoon. I have a green apple and a grapefruit, and they look as good to me as a basket of onion rings. No shit. I am not pulling your leg!

Of course, I just finished eating my lunch and am therefore not hungry. So in a couple of hours I may actually find myself holding a tremendous grudge against my healthy afternoon snacks. But Rome wasn't built in a day.

Back at it!

2009-01-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos,

So, it's back the grind for my first full work week since December 1st.

Excuse me for a moment while I gain my composure.

All that sobbing doesn't go over so well around here.

Thankfully I'm easing in. No classes this week so things are still pretty low key here on campus. It's amazing how time marches on. We're starting the ever-loving spring semester next week, people. The holidays are over? Wha happen???

I have to say that I made startling progress during my time off. My home was just a-hummin' with me getting all organized and whatnot. I'm not entirely sure what possessed me, but I was, truly possessed. I actually think the soul of my mother somehow managed to inhabit her body and mine at the same time. I couldn't be stopped. I cleaned out every closet. I moved things in the kitchen so that I have more counter and cupboard space. I no longer have to keep baking implements in my stove. I went through every stitch of clothing I own, which resulted in two boxes of clothes for Goodwill and one box for the good people of the sanitation department.

I tossed chotchkie. I sorted a Tupperware canister set (that I never used...what was I thinking??? I'm one person...how much flour could I possibly go through?) and put it in the nearly impossible to reach cabinets above my cupboards. The set is covered in dust, so I plan on taking it outside in the spring and hosing them down, then selling or donating them (it's an outdoor job, that's how much Tupperware there is in a canister set).

I cleared off my kitchen table to the point that I can actually do a jigsaw puzzle at it (and I am!).

I just kept thinking of things to do, and then doing them (going directly against my previous pattern of simply thinking of things to do).

After much self-reflection, I think I stumbled across why I did this. The weight loss is part of it, but really I was trying to make my space more livable. I was trying to simplify, to make the most of the space I have.

Instead of lamenting the fact that I need another room, I took a look around at the rooms that I had and worked with them. And lo and behold, I now have more than enough room!

Bottom line, I needed to simplify. After doing all this cleaning up and out, I came to understand that I really don't need anything. I have plenty of shoes. I have more clothes than I should. I have all the appliances I need. I have my cat boxes placed strategically so that they're not intrusive. I keep up after my pets and they remain a delight to live with. My tv works fine. My furniture is functional and cozy. I have a phone. Everything fits and I have nothing to add.

Do I ever wish I could have more space? Sure, you bet. Do I ever want more stuff/a better TV/better clothes? Sure. But I know that getting those things would just be a waste. I am perfectly content and happy with what I have, and I'll be happy to live here for many years to come, God willing.

It's a delicate balance of course. My whole house of cards could come tumbling down if someone gives me a casserole or something. But I'm hoping I can go with the flow.

I should take pictures of my wee shanty some day, and share with you. Believe me when I tell you it's wee. Very, very wee.

Happy 2009 Y'all

2009-01-01T10:05:00.001-08:00

First day of a new year and all, I figured I'd better blog about something. It really has been a big year for me. I had knee surgery, i joined weight watchers, i lost the weight equivalent of my friend's 12 year old son, I ventured back out into the dating world with some success (fleeting though it was), I helped elect a new president (still can't get over how happy that makes me).

Losing the weight has been the absolute biggest change. I'm physically healthier, mentally healthier. Probably one of the best things I've ever done, if not the best. I truly feel like a new person. If I keep going like this, 2009 is going to be stellar.

Anyway, just had to get in here and share a word. Amazing what a year can do!

First WW Christmas

2008-12-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos,

Christmas has come and gone, and I'm back to a relatively normal routine. I did attend a WW meeting on Saturday (my regular Thursday meeting didn't take place on account of it's Christmas), and I did indeed gain weight. No surprise. I did make quite merry on Christmas eve and day, and partook of goodies that I only ever see once a year (my mom's chow mein candy and bark, my brother's pecan pie, which is actually something I see maybe once a decade). I also had a run in with some cookies that I made (HUGE mistake--I won't be making cookies again any time soon).

Bottom line, I ate what I wanted and I didn't track anything.

Part of me is glad that I had these things that I really do like a lot. And I'm trying not to regret what I've done.

Another part of me is terrified because I felt that whole lack of control coming back. It's amazing how tenuous my hold on food 'sobriety' is. I could have continued on and on. And Christmas eve and day I pretty much did. It wasn't my best moment.

It's really difficult to explain my relationship with food. The tastes of these things is so overwhelming to me, but the actual enjoyment is so fleeting. I do not eat these things out of hunger, I know that much. It's a compulsion. I can't describe it any other way. The way an alcoholic needs a drink, that's how I feel about food. No offense to my reader if they have a drinking problem, I would never downplay a serious addiction like that. I truly mean what I say. That is the hold that food has on me. It becomes all consuming. And if the food is there, I'm going to eat it. Like the cookies I made. Until I got them out of my house I couldn't stop eating them. And some of the food that was here at work, it's the same thing. I know it's there, and as long as it's there I'm going to think about eating it, and may inevitably eat it.

I don't understand people who can control their eating without a struggle. For me it's an every minute of every day struggle. Thankfully, I've been winning. And even though I did have a gain this week, I don't feel defeated. I was on program yesterday and I'm on program today, and I see no reason that I won't be on program until my next weigh in.

The scariest thing is that I still have these feelings toward food even though I've been living the results of how eating well can change my life. I'm wearing clothes I couldn't wear a year ago. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. But still, I made trip after trip to the foods I wanted. WTF? I mean, really? How messed up IS that????

The fact is that I would still consider eating all the bad foods, my triggers, in spite of how much better I feel, how much better my health is, how much more I can do. Even though it's probably the worst thing for me, I still put that food in my mouth.

But, I will not beat myself up about this. It was Christmas. It's over. And all things considered, I really didn't do all that bad. I gave away the majority of cookies I made. I never opened the Godiva chocolate that I got, but gave it to my mother (who could frankly gain a few pounds...go figure hey? I dwarf my mother, I always have). I shared the food gifts I got at work with my students.

Most importantly, I went to my meeting. I went to my meeting. My buddy Alabaster Mom reminded me of how important that part actually is and after receiving an email from her, I realized that I'd inadvertently kept a promise to myself by going to the meeting.

I swore, at the beginning of this journey, that no matter what, come hell or high water, I wouldn't miss a meeting (unless I was bleeding out of my eyes, of course). I didn't remember that promise until AFTER I'd gone to the meeting, which is why I say I'd kept it inadvertently. But it really, truly is the most important thing, I think. It grounds me, it reminds me what I'm in this for. It keeps me accountable. And it puts me on track, it reminds me that the program has been working and that I need to work it.

I think if I'd missed my meeting, I would have pushed myself into more bad situations. Something along the lines of "well, that week's a wash, I'll make it up this week" and then I would be terrified of my next weigh in and maybe wouldn't have gone to that meeting either.

The last thing I ever want to do, amigos, is to walk through those doors for the first time again. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I just don't want to ever, ever do it again. I don't want to start again.

And I don't want this weight that I've lost to come back. It's gone, it's left me, I've banished it. I will not let one holiday screw the pooch. No, never.

I've got way too much ahead of me to throw it in. This coming year is going to be a big one for me. First off, I've made a solemn vow to 2 friends that I will take part in the MS society bike ride this summer. This ain't no sissy bike ride either. I'm going to end up in Madison I think. That kind of bike ride...

Also, this was the year I was going to start riding lessons. I'd hoped to be a bit closer to an appropriate riding weight by now, but really, who starts riding lessons in January anyway? So I've got a few months.

And, I really would like to find a nice fellow. And not like the ones I've been dealing with, who I think in the end do not realize what they have in me. And frankly I'd rather be single than settle.

You know what kind of guy I would love? Imagine Anderson Cooper, but straight and not a newscaster but just a normal guy. Smart, funny, dapper and cute. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask?

Do NOT answer that question...

Christmas greetings

2008-12-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos!

Sorry for being so silent. I had hoped to actually have an update last week, but I took a day off in there, and then work was closed due to snow (there's nothing quite like hearing your place of employment is closed due to weather...nothing compares). Then I was outside freezing and shovelling and snow blowing. And actually, I don't like blogging on my home computer. I don't type as quickly. So, there you are.

Things have been good. The losing has been going quite well! I had a gain two weeks ago, but hit it out of the park last week and made it up and then some.

Now it's getting challenging. I came in to work today and there was a tin of cookies, 2 bags of candy and a container of Godiva chocolate covered almonds. DARK chocolate covered almonds...aahhhhrrrrrrgggghhhhh...all left on my chair.

This is all just for ME. Bless them all for making me something, and I really am grateful, but it's not easy. So far I've eaten 3 cookies and a piece of fudge. I must stop now or all will be lost! Well, not all, of course. But it won't be good. Nope. Not good.

Did lots of snow removal this weekend. My snowblower worked like a charm. I feel like a badass with it, it's so big, red and loud. I start walking around like I own the place. I can't believe how great my neighbors all are. Seriously. I made one pathetic run down my driveway (my long, long, long driveway) then started to open up the end of the driveway. While my back was turned, what happened? 3 of my neighbors got together and shovelled my entire driveway. I did one path down it, and they did the rest. And they shovelled, not blew. I tell you, I nearly cried. That's how my neighborhood is. I'm usually up too late to be of much help, but this time I was able to help because the damn plows kept shoving all the snow back, all the way up to the sidewalks!

It was really amazing.

I guess I'm done Christmas shopping. I have this feeling I'm neglecting something or someone. I actually did wrapping yesterday. Wrapping is one of those things that takes 8 times longer than I think it will, so I figured I'd do it early. So I'm essentially ready. I don't know, I'm not too enthused about the stuff I'm giving. I was at the time, but when you sit back and look at it, I don't know.

I really do love Christmas. It's usually such a happy occasion, and I honestly do love giving people things. Receiving is great, but the giving...I love the giving. I love finding the perfect gift for someone, and then I have to restrain myself from telling them because I'm so excited for them to get it. And I LOVE giving my nephew stuff! He's so cute! I love Christmas music (of my choosing). And the food and egg nog and just the getting together and hanging out. Christmas eve I'll be with my whole family. Christmas day my mom and sister and I have a tradition. We were all so sad the year my dad died, we wanted to shake things up for Christmas. So, what did we do? We went to the movies! I'll never forget it. The year dad died we went to see The Talented Mr. Ripley at a deluxe theater, and we had dinner there. It was such a nice day, and breaking from what we usually did kept our spirits up.

So, we've done that every year since. Some movies have been very good (Curse of the Were-Rabbit), some stunk (Castaway...that movie was just torturous...we're much more careful about what we go to see since that one), but it's always fun. This year we think we've settled on Frost/Nixon. My mother and I are both huge Frank Langella fans. Strange, I know, but true. Come on, the guy's a dish. Maybe not as Nixon so much...

Then after the movie we usually go to our favorite Indian restaurant. Altogether it makes for a most excellent day.

In the time it took me to write this post I also ate 3 Hershey kisses. This madness must stop...

Big changes!

2008-12-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos!

Today's a big day for me. I fit into a pair of pants whose size starts with a 1. Can't remember the last time I did that! They're a wee bit tight, and when I sit down I do have a little roll of fat hanging over, but you really can't tell. No less than 5 coworkers mentioned my weight loss today, which, while making me somewhat self conscious, also perks my spirits up to no end!

On to other news, something amazing happened last week. But let me 'splain first. In July I had a physical. I was expecting everything to turn out normally, and for the most part it did, but my cholesterol was a bit alarming. At 219 it was higher than I imagined, considering I'd been on WW since February.

Now I can't say this for sure, but I had this sneaking suspicion that my predilection for WW frozen dinners may have been part of the problem. I was just eating too many of them. So when the doc told me he wanted me to come back in a few months to have my cholesterol checked again, I decided to make a few changes, the first of which was NO MORE FROZEN DINNERS. Not WW, not Lean Cuisine, not Budget Gourmet.

I honestly didn't change a whole lot else. I will admit that I partook of the frozen dinners more frequently than I am sure is recommended, so I'm not blaming WW. It was just my penchant to eat them if I had the points, and sometimes maybe that meant eating more than one a day. Probably not a good idea.

Anyway, I went back last week for my blood test. I'd been eating very well and getting exercise and I assumed that I'd been able to lower it moderately. Well, nothing could have prepared me for what my new number was.

My total cholesterol is now 191!!!! 28 points in 5 months! I should write a book! I mean, you see these folks in commercials, and they're saying "I lowered my cholesterol 5 points" and this and that, and I say "In your face suckers! Let's see you beat 28!"

I was absolutely floored. I printed off both test results (I can access my records online) and compared them side by side and sat there slack-jawed. Then one of my students (who happens to be a laboratory science major) came in and I showed her. Then I got on the phone and called a friend and told him. Then I called another friend and told him. Then I called my brother.

I'm amazed at what a small change can do. I'm amazed at the influence I can have over my own body and health. I did it all by myself! No pills, no restricted diet, nothing. Just pure Marginwalker power.

So, if you need to lower your cholesterol, screw what you seen on TV and come talk to me.

A small consulting fee will apply.

Care to join me?

2008-12-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well amigos, here's where it's at. Something significant happened at my last weigh in. I hit a number that wouldn't mean much to your average joe, and actually it wasn't a particular goal in mind. But, what that weight is, is 100 pounds heavier than I should be. So, as of my last weigh in, I have 100 pounds to reach my goal.

I'm not going to divulge what that weight is, or what I weigh now, or the exact amount I've lost so far. I'm not ready to do that just yet. Some of the folks who do weight watchers are so brave and they put it all out there, stats, numbers, pictures. I just can't, I'm so mortified with where I started. Maybe some day, when I'm comfortable and several years have passed and some people I know have died maybe I'll be ready.

So, another leg of my journey begins. I'm on a quest to lose 100 pounds. The weirdest thing is that it doesn't sound like that much weight to me. I realize that it is, I realize I have a long, hard battle ahead of me. But I think I've got the skills.

Will said skills pay the bills? I think so.

So, here goes.

On another note, I made something so good yesterday I thought I'd plotz. It wasn't the easiest thing to prepare. It involves a butternut squash and I coulnd't find my vegetable peeler anywhere so I sort of hacked the skin off. And they're tough buggers so cutting it wasn't that great. See, I like cooking, but I HATE prep work like chopping vegetables. But what you do is peel, halve and remove the seeds of the squash. Then you cut it into french fry-like strips. Spray a cookie sheet liberally with Pam, put the fries on the cookie sheet, add a little salt, and pop in a preheated oven at 425. After 20 minutes you need to turn the little buggers so they bake evenly, then give it another 20 minutes.

C'est tout. That's all. They were...KILLER. Absolutely frickin' delicious. So delicious that in spite of the prep work involved I will probably make another batch today. I ate all of yesterday's batch because after the hack job I did I had considerably less squash than I started with. Maybe today my abilities will be better honed.

Anyway, just had to share. I've been promising recipes on here and have yet to deliver, so I figure this is a start. You should try it, they're SO good!

Well, I'm off to lose 100 pounds.

:)

TG and Me

2008-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

Hey Faithful Reader,

Sorry I've been so quiet. I just haven't had a whole lot to blog about I guess.

I made it through Thanksgiving relatively unscathed. I worked the program honestly and still managed to sneak in a 1/2 piece of pumpkin pie. I didn't lose my head over anything, I didn't really overeat, and I didn't indulge in stuff that I knew would be a lot of points.

The best thing about the last couple weeks has been that, in spite of my illness, I stayed on the program. Well, not so much when I was really out with the stomach virus. Then I just ate anything that appealed to me and that would stay down. Needless to say, fruits and veg are not what you crave when you have a stomach virus.

But unlike my past MO, when I started to feel better, I didn't continue to eat what I'd been eating when sick. I just went right back to the program with no issues. Totally new experience for me.

I'm thisclose to wearing pants whose size starts with a 1. This is a huge milestone for me. I also purchased a cute winter t-shirt (it's purple with a big snowflake on it) that is a 1X. It's wearable, though a bit small, but it was the only one they had, and I figure it'll fit nicely before the season is through. But what that means is, I'm only one size away from being out of plus-sized clothing. Another milestone!

I remember the day that I finally admitted I needed 'big girl' clothes, as I call them. I was shopping with a friend (not a big girl) and we decided it was time for me to go to Lane Bryant. This was a long time ago and nice plus-sized clothes weren't as easy to come by as they are now. I even remember some of the stuff I bought. Blech. Pretty low-quality crap, as I recall, and not particularly fashionable.

And once I entered that plus-sized world, I never looked back. Until now that is! I'm so looking forward to buying regular clothes, no longer just the biggest of everything.

I spent part of the weekend watching shows about obesity. I have cable and there are several health related channels and they show programs about all kinds of stuff like operations, weird medical phenomena, that sort of thing. I watch shows about obesity on a regular basis. I feel the need to, I feel compelled to. Some of these are not particularly uplifting. One they showed yesterday, which I'd seen before, profiled a man who weighed close to half a ton, I believe, and he died half-way through the show. I guess I watch them because I don't ever want to forget what I'm up against. I don't ever want to think I can take things easy. I need to remind myself every dang day that this is a life-long commitment.

I've saved one of these programs which I watch every now and then. It's called "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day." They profile 4 people who are super morbidly obese. Only one of them is not housebound, though she's very close to being so. She's the one who reminds me of me. She's my age, and while she weighs more than I did, it's not so much more that I can look at her and say "I could never be that big." And that scares the living crap out of me. I'll watch this, and then I'll watch it again...reminding myself what I'm doing, remembering where I've been and where I'm going. I watch these programs out of more than just morbid fascination (which is why I watch programs like "The Man Whose Arms Exploded" and "200 Lb. Tumor").

These are my cautionary tales. These are to me what "Lost Weekend" might be to an alcoholic. I feel some need to surround myself with stories of these struggles, both good and bad. I do try to see more of the good than the bad though...I don't want to make myself depressed.

I honestly think it helps. I can't let myself become complacent, and this is just part of that effort.

Anyway, I can honestly say I survived Thanksgiving without any sabotage. I made sure to take a walk Thanksgiving day so I could eat more, and I dipped into my weekly points several times this week already. But this is what it's about. I need to learn to manage these situations. Nobody would have ever guessed that I was on a diet if they'd been with me on Thanksgiving. Well, I did go a little long on the Cool Whip, but everything else was in perfect moderation.

I won't know my success until weigh in on Thursday, and I'll report back, good, bad or otherwise. This is real-life, it can't all be good, and if this week's weigh in isn't what I expect, well, I'll get over it.

Under the freakin' weather

2008-11-19T08:47:00.001-08:00

That last update was completed shortly before all hell broke loose within my body. I caught some sort of horrible virus that hit me on Monday. I suffered through a mid-morning meeting, then ran back to my desk, fired off an email to my boss that I was going home, made it home and spent the rest of the day doing things which are far too gross to mention here, me being the delicate flower that I am. I even developed a 101 fever, which is incredibly high for me, seeing as I hover below 98.6 regularly.

So, I was off Monday afternoon, and yesterday. I set my alarm to go in to work today, but when I actually tried to get up and get ready I knew it was a bad idea. I would have turned green by 10:00.

I only ate a bowl of oatmeal on Monday (which even then I just rented), and nothing else. Then yesterday I had a couple bomb pops, some soda crackers, a can of soup and some sugar wafers and diet 7 up, in an effort to eat blandly.

Today I had eggs for breakfast. So far my body has given them the go ahead, but I don't trust it any further than I can throw it, so I'm waiting to see if there's a revolution imminent.

You'll be the first to know.

I really wish I knew how I picked this up, so that I could avoid whatever the culprit was for the rest of my life. You never really do find out though, do you. I don't know anyone who's been sick with this. I did read that there was an outbreak at Selery Hall in Madison, but seeing as I haven't been to Madison in about 15 years, it's pretty unlikely. I'll probably never know. That's the scary thing. This virus could be around any corner now...waiting...

I have no idea what this will mean for my weigh in tomorrow. Will I have lost weight? Or will my body be hanging onto every bite that I eat for sustenance? No idea.

Well, I'm off. Just had to give you the latest.

Oh, my friend who received the email I told you about wants to talk to me. Not quite sure how I feel about that. But my feeling remains the same. I'll not sit idly by waiting for him to find someone better. He doesn't need me to do that.

Sayonara Dude!

2008-11-17T07:55:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty sure I just wrote a dear john letter.

Not that I've talked about it much, but I still see the feller I told you about a few months ago. You know the one. He chose to go to a church festival in spite of asking me over for dinner. He also told me my house smelled. Yeah, you remember now, right?

Against my better judgment I'd still see him. It's one of those things where I actually do have fun with him, like I'm enjoying myself just enough to make it worthwhile.

But here's the problem. I'm a one feller kind of gal. And not because I necessarily possess some great moral standard or anything. It has a lot to do with concentration, really. And avoidance of conflict too. And the ability to actually be pretty happy most of the time in that I don't feel the need to keep looking when I have something good.

Alas, my friend was not of that same mindframe. We weren't serious enough for me to say he was cheating or anything. But it was obvious that, although he was seeing me, he was continuing to seek out others' companionship. I finally decided that if that's what he wants, that's fine, but that I don't need to stick around while he looks for someone else.

I was going to call him. I mean, I think it's only fair to actually talk to the person. Also, email leaves too much for interpretation. You can't tell a person's demeanor. It's easy to read something the wrong way. That sort of thing. But this morning I logged in to facebook (for some reason I can't help checking in there every day...I don't even like it per se, but there's always so much activity that I'm compelled to look).

There was an update to his page so I opened it. It turns out that he'd been using the speed dating service there and flirting with people (not me), and I thought, well, if that's how it's going to be, I don't really feel the need to call him to talk with him. He's made his choice, and the sooner, and quicker, I do this the better.

Now before you go and think I was checking up on him, lemme 'splain. The fact that he was using the facebook speed dating service was posted prominently on his facebook page. I didn't have to look for it, it was staring me right in the face. As a side note, this is the kind of thing that happens to me all the time. I think guys think women check up on them. The fact of the matter is, guys have no idea how poorly they cover their tracks. They leave clues all over the damned place, the poor schmucks and then they blame us for 'figuring it out.'

So I did write an email. Luckily I'm very skilled at analytical and technical writing. Creative writing is not my forte. So I composed a very logical, level headed email explaining where I stood, and before I had time to talk myself out of it, I sent it.

There was a pang of regret that I felt almost immediately. That was because I'm not so sure what I'll be getting back from him. Nothing would be perfect. Nothing would be ideal. But sending someone an email gives them ample time to reflect and respond, and I'm afraid I may hear things from him that I really don't want to. At least when you're talking with someone it's usually settled then and there. Now I've got this email out there, dangling...and I have to wait for that other shoe to drop, and maybe it never will.

That was really the only regret that I felt. I'm afraid he might write me back and that it will make me feel bad. I really don't feel bad right now. But maybe if I've hurt him, he'll hurt me back. Hard to say. I don't think I've hurt him...he obviously can't care that much about me or he wouldn't be looking.

I actually feel kind of good, really. Like I'm sparing myself some future pain. Who wants to hear that it's been nice to spend time with you but I've found the person I was really looking for? I don't want to hear that.

Frankly, I don't know what the guy's problem is. I can't imagine he'll be able to find another woman with the (often undeserved) tolerance I've shown him.

Good news all around!

2008-11-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd better provide an update here, you never know if my reader is waiting to hear from me or not.

Pretty much good news all around. The gods (or maybe just God) smiled upon me this week, and I found a tenant for my rental unit. I'm thrilled and relieved. Honestly, I couldn't have planned this better. It turns out that my neighbor's mother needed a place by December 1, so when I was telling him about my tenant bailing, he told me about this. We were both amazed at the timing. I mean, what are the odds? That was the bit of good news I didn't want to jinx myself over, so now that it's a done deal (I have a signed lease and everything!) I feel I can breathe easy and talk about it.

And, although I'd said I wasn't going to share the number of pounds I've lost, I reached a milestone I feel I have to share.

I've now lost a total of 75 pounds!

I can't believe it. When I look at that number it doesn't seem real. But it is.

I am not concentrating on how far I have to go (frankly, I have a way to go before I make it out of the 'obese' category and to hit a healthy BMI), because if I do I get discouraged. I'm just focusing on following the WW plan. I've had a couple stumbling blocks, and I had a gain a couple weeks back that I wasn't thrilled about. But I know that if I persevere, if I do what I know is right, I'll continue to lose. And I just don't care how long it takes me.

Know what's scary? Realizing just how much 75 pounds weighs and knowing that I was lugging that around. I'm trying not dwell on where I was because it makes me ashamed. But I'll never deny it. I have a problem and I spent some time on the dark side, but I fought my way back out.

I can't believe I did it. I know now that it's possible. Just some hard work and dedication. But all things considered, I do not feel in any way deprived and I don't feel that I've had to change anything so drastically.

Essentially what I've done is stop eating stupid things. It's not rocket science to figure out what's stupid food, so I just don't eat it anymore.

I've been doing this program for 8+ months. In a few short months it will be a year, and I already feel like a different person. And I don't care if it takes me another year, or two or more, to reach my 'goal' (that I haven't set yet). Because all that will mean is that I'm further incorporating these changes into my lifestyle. The time is going to pass either way, I may as well be healthy during the trip.

I don't know what changed me to make me stick with this, to make this program work. It's a combination of many things, I think. First of all, I never miss a meeting. I need that accountability. Secondly, my leader is a wonderful, fantastic, inspiring person. I give her enormous credit for keeping me motivated. I have friends who are on this journey with me, and their support means so much. And it's a good program, plain and simple. It works. There aren't many things that I say you get what you paid for. But Weight Watchers monthly pass/e-tools? Worth. every. dime.

So, there you have it. Maybe some day I'll be brave enough to post progress pics.

Not here, necessarily. Sorry if you thought that's what I meant.

:)

Da latest nooz

2008-11-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

Hey Amigos!

Sorry for the silence. I've been preoccupied with so much I just haven't had the urge to blog.

I'm still dealing with loss of tenant stuff, but things are looking better. I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything, but will report here when all is said and done.

I'm so incredibly happy that the election is over and that Obama is our next president. More than happy, I'm thrilled, elated. Joyous even. What a day for our country, for the world. It's my sister's birthday today too, so this must be the best present she's ever gotten.

I bit the bullet and went out canvassing yesterday. This is a huge deal for me. I am not a door to door type person, for many reasons. First, I can't imagine anyone whose door I knock on would be any more excited to see me than I would be if they knocked on my door. Not a fan of complete strangers rousing me from whatever it is I may be doing. Second, I don't like talking to strangers. At all. I hate it.

So canvassing is WAY out of my comfort zone. Actually, it's directly opposite from anything I could ever say I want to do. But, I did it. It actually wasn't that bad. Most people weren't home, and the few who were didn't react to me one way or the other, really. Know what the weird thing is? I found it easier to approach people who were on the street (it was a beautiful day and people were out raking, so I chatted them up). I just hate ringing people's doorbells and interrupting their at-home time.

I guess I just wanted to be able to say that at the end of the day I really did something for the campaign that day. It felt good. And I can say it took a bit of bravery on my part! Stepping out of one's comfort zone is like that.

So, the Beastie Boys on Sunday were FANTASTIC. Our seats were great, close and completely unobstructed, I could see all the action. I love those guys. My ears have finally stopped ringing. Now I'm going to see Jeffrey Osbourne on Thursday (tomorrow). I'm sure it might seem odd to some that I'd be into both shows, but I am, and not just me but my friend T who went to see the BBs with me. I actually saw Jeffrey Osbourne years ago, over 20 years, I'd say. Whitney Houston opened for him, like minutes before she hit it big. No one knew who she was, but she blew everyone away. I was never a fan of hers, but she did put on a terrific show.

Interesting week so far, all things considered.

The latest

2008-10-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

I came home yesterday to find a note stuck in my door from my tenant. It read "I've moved." It said other stuff too...maybe I'll just put it in its entirety in here at some point. I can't even get into it, it enrages me so.

I'm not exactly sorry to see him go. He was, in a word, a dick. Being a dick, none of this is particularly out of character, I suppose.

Here's what he did wrong.

1. He didn't give me a month's notice.
2. He didn't pay his last month's rent.
3. He instructed me to 'keep the damn deposit.'
4. He left behind...a couple lawnmowers, a couple snow blowers, rakes and shovels, hedge trimmers, fishing poles, a compost heap, several large bags of top soil, a couple quarter barrel buckets, his television and stand, coffee table, kitchen table and chairs, pots and pans, two dressers...

Of course, according to him there is 'not much cleaning left, manageable furniture items only.' Oh, and that I could make 'good use' of the equipment that's left.

But, that's not how I see it. What I have is a crapload of furniture I now have to get rid of, and a garage full of stuff I don't need.

So now I need to get rid of all of this and try and get the apartment ready for a new tenant, without the rent that is duly mine. And, I don't know if you realize this, my amigos, but it doesn't get much more difficult to rent a place than the months of November, December and January.

See, when I bought this place it was in no small part because of the rental unit. This is part of my income. I always kept my savings padded in case I ever had to go without that income, so I'm not in dire straights. But he surely didn't leave me in a good place either. It was just plain rotten.

I always thought he was strange. I'm actually glad he's not my tenant anymore. But I never envisioned him simply abandoning the place. I was always open and approachable. He never once indicated he was unhappy.

Honestly, I believe he's just full of rage. I think he thinks he's teaching me some sort of lesson, the way that people who are passive aggressive think their little actions serve some greater design, when all they're really doing is making themselves look like an asshole.

Anyway, that's what's up with me. Sucks, don't it.

No comment

2008-10-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

"Someone called me a redneck woman once, and you know what I said back? I said 'Thank you!'"

~ Sarah Palin

REDNECK
NOUN
Offensive Slang

1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States.
2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.

~ The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Election Gripes

2008-10-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, someone stole my Obama sign from my front yard. Not just mine, either, but mine and several (though not all) Obama signs in the neighborhood. The few McCain signs were left as is.

I'd planned for this moment. I'd bought 4 signs, put one out on my yard, gave one to a neighbor and held on to the other two as back up.

See, back in 2004, some horse's ass at the YMCA peeled my John Kerry bumper sticker right off the back of my car. I'm positive where it happened, and you could even see where they'd picked at every corner until they found one they could get their grimy nails under.

Not much makes me angry, but stuff like this I find absolutely infuriating. I mean, it makes my blood absolutely boil, and for many reasons. First, it's just plain wrong. It's stealing, or vandalism, or both. Second, it's something that I would never do in my wildest dreams. I think George Bush is the spawn of Satan. I think Dick Cheney IS Satan. Don't get me started on Palin and McCain. But I'd never in a million years actually physically remove a bumper sticker or yard sign. You just don't do it. Thirdly, the people who do this are spineless weenies who don't have the guts to ever do any of these things in the light of day, or when I'm present, or both. At least the bunghole who yelled "Feingold SUCKS" at me while he was behind me at the drive through at Culver's stood the chance that I may retaliate (I didn't). Of course, I'm also quite sure he wouldn't have yelled such a thing if I hadn't been alone in my car, or if I'd been a man. Yeah, those tough guys yelling crap at women. Very impressive.

I have no problem when people disagree with me politically. But to take something of mine...what's the point? Am I not going to vote now? Or...do they think these things are irreplaceable? Are they trying to scare me?

My neighbor and I got together though, and our plan is that we take our signs down after dark. My neighbor is up before dawn, and he puts them out again. Take that, sign stealers!

I have 2 bumper stickers on my car. One that says "Obama '08" and one that says "Got hope? www.barackobama.com." I've gotten some dirty looks. I feel a certain amount of vulnerability, especially since this election is near a close and things have gotten a bit ugly. But it's important to me that I show my support, and I have every right to do so.

Now, I'm not prone to hyperbole, so keep that in mind when I tell you this story. None of it is exaggerated.

I make a habit of being a conscientious driver. I've been driving especially conscientiously since I put the bumper sticker on (and thankfully it's been there for months and months). It may sound silly, but I feel somehow that I'm representin'.

So yesterday I hit the road to get to my WW meeting. It's during the height of rush hour, and I have a particularly speedy, quiet way to get there. I actually end up driving through the neighborhood where I grew up. These are very quiet, narrow streets. The speed limit is 25, with good reason. There is a grade school nearby, and it always has been a kid-centric area. So I'm driving down the road, listening to the radio, probably going about 25, though it's actually hard to reach that speed because of the numerous stop signs. There is a red truck behind me. I stop at a 4 way intersection. I'm not a "roll through" stopper. I'm not a "slow down" person. When it says stop, I stop.

So, I stopped at this intersection. Just as I'm pulling forward, the red truck behind me floors it, runs the stop sign and passes me. Passes me. On a quiet street. At 5:00 in the afternoon. As I turned in disbelief I saw he was muttering something, God knows what, and that the back of his truck was covered in bumper stickers. He was actually moving so quickly that the only word I was able to pick up was "republican."

So he sped down the street, and proceeded to run another stop sign while turning left. I was slack-jawed, to be honest. And pissed of course. This is the neighborhood where I grew up. There are children everywhere. I mean, honestly, was it so disturbing to him to have an Obama supporter in front of him that he felt the need to act the way he did?

Of course, what usually happened in these situations happened. He was stopped at a red light and I pulled up right next to him (meaning, of course, that his little episode did nothing more than burn gas, because he didn't end up any further ahead than I). He was going straight, I was turning right, so I took the opportunity, as I was checking for ongoing traffic, to pull ahead, wait until he looked in my direction, smile and flip him off.

Yes, I flipped him off. This isn't a normal habit. This isn't something I do other than jokingly to family and friends. And it's something that I somewhat regret because, as I said, I'm representin'. But amigos, it was just something I had to do. It actually was quite funny, because I don't think the guy had any idea that I was the person he had dissed. See, when he looked at me, I smiled, and he smiled back. :) That's what made my middle finger gesture so rewarding. The look on his face was priceless. It looked like he was thinking "Why did that woman just flip me off?" A mixture of shock and puzzlement. Then I was able to turn right and proceed on my merry way.

Immature? Sure. Not representin'? Yeah, sorry to say. Rewarding? You betcha.

I did yard work!

2008-10-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well Amigos, the weight loss is going quite well. I had a moderate gain a couple weeks back, but I didn't let it get me down. I got right back on that horse and proceeded to lose the amount I had gained and then some a week later.

I'm definitely feeling this one physically. Know one of the reasons I know that to be? I raked on Sunday. I hate raking. To me the worst part of home ownership is the fact that I have a yard. But I was sitting inside watching television, and it was a beautiful day. I'd already walked the dogs for almost an hour and had met some friends for coffee so my morning wasn't exactly dull. But all I could think about was getting out there and enjoying the day and raking all these dang leaves off my lawn.

Let me back up here a second. One thing I'd like to say, and I realize there isn't a darned thing I can do about it, but none of the leaves that are on my lawn come from any trees on my property. I have 2 trees on my property. The one in front is a maple tree, which remains green until, oh, Christmas, and then overnight turns yellow, and then, again overnight, drops its leaves. It stands there, mocking me, hanging on to every damn leaf, while every tree around it is bare. The other tree I have on my property is a very long, lean crab tree. This tree has not lost any of its leaves either, though without the mockery.

But what was covering my front yard? Every other kind of leaf imaginable. Not exclusively on my yard of course, they're on everyone's yard. But for a person who has the least amount of foliage on their lot, and undoubtedly the smallest house by a huge margin, I certainly do amass more than my fair share of leaves. I keep hoping, sadly, that some neighbor will take pity on me, realizing that I am, in fact, raking the leaves from THEIR trees, and come to my rescue. But alas, no.

But Sunday I didn't mind. I have a rake with an extra-wide span and I was able to clear the lawn in a relatively short time, and without getting sore or winded or anything. And when all was said and done and the leaves were raked into the street (and getting caught in a stiff breeze and blowing across the street to my neighbors' yards, much to my glee), I figured I'd better mow the lawn. See, with a longer lawn (and my lawn is always longer because my tenant is supposed to mow it and he doesn't) you tend to have lots of leaves that get stuck and it's quite hard to rake. So I went into the garage, dug out my lawnmower (my tenant has several, since it's what he does for a living, though you'd never know it), plugged it in (yes, I have an electric mower, and I couldn't be happier with it), and away I went. I have to say, the sense of accomplishment when all was said and done was most satisifying.

And the best thing of all is that I didn't mind doing this physically. Neither of these things are chores I care to do, but when you're not carrying around as much excess weight, they don't seem so bad.

Possibly the best thing of all is that I could do all this and not think twice about my knee. Honestly Amigos, I think often about how much better I feel. In the end I think my knee was just really, really bad. I shudder to think how much it would have hurt had I done these same chores last year.

I've had a couple other interesting changes. I find I have many, many more clothes than I ever realized. I had been dressing in old stand-bys. You know, the clothes you can wear that don't make it look or feel like you've gained weight. I have a navy blue sweater that I wore a lot, and convinced myself that because it was quite old and I'd worn it years ago, I hadn't put on that much weight. But I came to rely on things like that more and more, and didn't wear a lot of my clothes that were more iffy. But now, pretty much anything in my closet is fair game.

Pants, though, that's another story. Right now I have essentially 1 pair of pants that fit, and they're not going to be fitting me much longer unless I manage to shrink them significantly. The thing is, it's not like I've got money to throw around, so I may need to invest in some belts (unless belts cost more than pants...).

This is weird amigos, just plain weird.

I still fight that demon though. Yesterday I went way overboard on points. I logged everything as I should, but boy can I put it away at night. I ate an entire acorn squash (not difficult, it's one of my favorite things, has very few points, and is cheap and plentiful), a spinach salad, a bowl fo veggie chili, a few weight watchers 1 point snack bars (few = 4), and a big bowl of popcorn. This was spread out over the evening, and I was up pretty late, but still, jeez...a girl can't eat like that all the time! But I was having one of those days where no matter what I ate I just never felt satisfied, so I kept looking for the thing that would do the trick. I gave up eventually and went to bed.

But, today is a new day. Just because I overdid it last night does not mean it's going to happen tonight. Nor does it mean that I've lost hope. It just means I'm an overeater, and I'll be fighting that my entire life, so I'd better figure out how to cope. So far so good!

If I had a band...

2008-10-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

Not that I'd ever have a band. I don't play a musical instrument. I do sing, but not in any type of way that would make me worthy of actually performing for people. But I do have a ton of names for potential bands. I was almost hesitant to write this post because suppose someone somewhere hears one of these names and likes it, starts to use it as their band name, and then they achieve fame and fortune without ever giving props to me about it? But then I figured, it would all be documented on this interweb business, and also, why would I begrudge someone a cool band name I happened to dream up? It's not like I'm going to use it.

No idea how this all started, but have you ever said something and thought that it would make a great band name? Or a great name for a bar? I had an idea for a bar. I was going to call it "The Space Bar." Like a space bar on a keyboard, but it could also be like outer space.

Anyway, one day years ago I ran into the woman who lived downstairs from me. Her name was Sashi and she used to dye her hair purple. So I asked my roommate at the time what she thought of Sashi's dye job, and it occurred to me that it was a GREAT name for a band. Sashi's Dye Job.

Well, some people at work had the same idea and we started to keep a running list of potential band names. Like someone would say something, and someone else would seize on it as being a good band name. Not all of these names originated that way, but a good chunk of them. Here are a few:

1. Beat the Hese. I worked with a guy whose last name was Heser, and I believe I was competing with him in a football pool? Anyway, voila. Band name.

2. Shift the Bubble. This had something to do with the NCAA basketball playoffs, which teams were 'on the bubble,' that kind of thing.

3. Baloney Pony. Origin unknown.

4. Long Yellow Pad. Because we keep the band names listed on a long yellow pad of paper.

5. Gone Postal. 'Nuff said.

6. Eight Grade Nun. There are a lot of Catholics here.

7. Squishy Bottom. A coworker commented that the bottom of her stapler was squishy.

8. Howard Sprague's Groovy Bachelor Pad. Reference to the Andy Griffith show.

9. Silent Rhythm. See #3.

10. Rebellious Cog. Referring to someone who refused to be a 'cog in a wheel of the machine.'

11. Whitehurst. Green Bay quarterback from 1977-1983.

12. Knife Wielding Savages. No clue.

13. Credit the Cat. Again, no idea.

14. Ramen Phase. Referencing the phase that all college students or young poor people go through when they eat lots and lots of Ramen noodles.

15. Chester Marcol. Former Packers place kicker. Yeah, we're Packer fans here.

16. Scotty Under the Sink. Refers to a conversation overheard by a friend of mine while on staying at a bed and breakfast. Some family strife that led to their youngest child hiding under the sink and not coming out.

17. Adam Slim. A descriptor of a certain type of slim resembling a guy named Adam.

18. Gas the Bird. One of mine. I'll explain in some other post.

19. Steak Boy. I called my friend Tim that because of his highly anticipated dinner at Coerper's 5 O'Clock Club, known for their steaks.

20. Spaetzle. German dumplings/noodles.

Well, those are the best of them. I've had this list for years and years and years. Always makes me laugh.

But please, if you happen to hear a song by Sashi's Dye Job on the radio, please tell me. I've got some suing to do.

Challenges

2008-10-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

I've had a few over the last few days. The weekend is usually a challenge in and of itself, what with having a lack of routine and all. Friday and Saturday were OK. Sunday wasn't bad, but it was indeed a major challenge.

Sunday started with a fundraiser, a pancake breakfast (barkfest, as we call it) to benefit the adoption center. I didn't partake of the actual breakfast since I was working the event, but I could have. And I wanted to. Syrup and I are old, dear friends.

But I didn't. I had a cup of coffee, a banana and a WW 2 point bar.

The event was over by noon and I was famished, as was my friend who volunteered with me. We wanted to grab lunch, so after tossing around a few ideas, we went to Qdoba. I had a naked bean burrito (w/o cheese or sour cream, but w/a dollop of guacamole), which in the vast scheme of things isn't all that bad points-wise.

So I figured I was doing fine. But then my sister called me later. There's a deal among 25 participating restaurants in town where you get a 3 course meal for $25 throughout the month of October. Well, it was such a good deal and we both really wanted to go to Il Mito, so we did. I had a salad with field greens, artichoke hearts, fresh mushrooms and parmesan cheese in a lemony dressing. They also bring out fresh bread and fresh olive oil with that one really good cheese...it'll come to me...and I had some of that. Not too much, but some.

My entree was a roasted vegetable pizza, of which I ate half, and for dessert I had some cappuccino gelato (which was as good as it sounds).

So, while I was relatively happy with my choices, and most definitely happy with the food, anyone on WW would realize that going out to eat twice in one day is a bit extravagant on the old points (I dipped heavily into my weekly allotment of extras).

Yesterday went quite well, but now today we're having a bake sale at work as a fundraiser. I made dream bars for the event (butter, flour, salt, eggs, coconut, walnuts and brown sugar, in varying amounts--it ends up being a sweet salty melt in your mouth taste explosion). I only ate 1 sorry one (and I cut them very small) that didn't look suitable for the event. During the bake sale I bought a ridiculously tasty (though reasonably sized) brownie.

But, I haven't gone back and have no intention of buying anything else there and am just counting down the minutes until all the goodies are gone. They've even done the usual "end of bake sale half off until it's gone" email posting. I STILL haven't gone back in there, and I won't, dammit.

So, those were my challenges this week. Personally I think I met them head on and successfully defeated them. Whether the scale agrees with me or not is another thing, but you know what? Even if it doesn't, even if I gain, or stay the same this week, I won't be defeated because I came through knowing that I did the absolute best that I could and I didn't give in. And it wasn't like it's painful to do. It's the right thing to do. I am, as always, a bit resentful that I can't just eat whatever the hell I want.

But, I had some pretty awesome meals and I just feel good about the whole thing. So, when I face the scale on Thursday night I'm ready for whatever it shows me.

This 'n that

2008-10-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I should really try and update this more often. Well, that's a bit ballsy of me, seeing as it makes the assumption that others are reading this often enough that they want to hear more from me. That could be true, but I shouldn't assume it.

I don't have an excuse for being silent, I just never got around to writing.

I posted a healthy loss last week, and posted the exact same amount as a gain last night. I'm not surprised. I wasn't exactly living a Bacchanalian existence this last week, but I certainly wasn't following any sort of real 'plan.' I had several things that caused this gain. Maybe if it had been one of these things it wouldn't have happened, but put them altogether and you've got a gain baby.

1. I didn't track my points (that is, I didn't log what I was eating and the points value of what I was eating).

2. Rather than cooking, I resorted to convenience foods. Not fast food or anything like that, but some premade sushi, a couple things from the Outpost deli, that sort of stuff.

3. Speaking of Outpost, I ate a few too many of their cookies. They're homemade all natural cookies, and I sometimes indulge myself because you can buy just one, but it's not something I should do regularly; and I obviously overdid it this week.

4. I didn't exercise enough.

5. I wasn't vigilant about drinking water.

So, you put all that stuff together, and what do you have? A gain.

On the interesting side, I gained the EXACT same amount I'd lost the previous week. So psychologically that is good because I can sort of convince myself that the past week didn't really happen. I'm exactly where I was a couple weeks ago and I can just pick up from here, which is exactly what I intend to do.

I'm not surprised I've lost a bit of steam. I've been going at this for 7 months now, and while I'm still quite satisfied with the program, I guess I felt tempted to push the envelope a bit. See what I could get away with.

Well, I learned a lot by doing so. My grip on my weight loss is tenuous and I need to be ever vigilant. I still see room for a little indulgence, but I need to maybe examine why I overdo the indulging thing every now and then. And I especially need to be more vigilant about getting out and moving around. I can almost guarantee that if I'd exercised better over the last week I wouldn't have gained, or at least not that amount.

And speaking of exercise, I just got back from my walk around campus. I'm going to try and do it again this afternoon. It's funny though, it's not that warm, but I still get awfully sweaty when I'm walking in the full sunlight (and there's not a cloud in the sky). I'd say my walk, which is about a mile, is about 1/3 in the shade and 2/3 in the sun. So I do come back to my desk a bit sweaty. But it feels so good to get my blood pumping. Something funny, I can tell that I didn't walk last week. It was just a teeny bit more difficult than normal. I'm sure my body reverted back to where it was. It's kind of done that all over the place, hasn't it.

Not much else is new amigos. I've got another busy weekend, but thankfully a friend is taking my 4 hour shift at the adoption center on Sunday. I took hers last week, a very last minute thing (the original sub didn't show), and was thrilled when she could do mine.

I steam cleaned my carpets over the weekend. I know that's not the most exciting thing, but it is one of those chores where you really feel a sense of accomplishment when you're through. I just rented a little Rug Doctor for a day and did the living room and kitchen (yes, my kitchen is carpeted; the owners installed brand new berber carpeting before I moved in; it's ridiculous but I haven't felt like changing it just yet). You should see the water when the canister fills up...nothing short of amazing, really. I also cleaned and polished my leather couch. The animals have done a number on it and it needed it BAD. I plan on bringing that into my regular cleaning rotation.

I'm sort of a changed person lately when it comes to cleaning. I'd say maybe in the last 6 months to a year I've just become a tidier person. I do my dishes more regularly, I vacuum more regularly, I tend to not leave stuff lying around. Except clothes. I haven't quite figured out the clothes sitch just yet.

I'm just really bad with figuring out what goes where. My bedroom has 2 closets; one is quite largish. It's not really a walk in, although you can walk into it, so maybe it is, it's just small. The other is an average closet. And i have a dresser and a bureau. But the thing is, I have no concept of what should go where. I've got bras over in one drawer, and undies and socks each have their own drawers. But everything else is a crap shoot. I have no idea how to best utilize the space; like what I should hang, where I should put sweaters, should I change things out with the seasons.

Yeah, I'm pretty lame that way. So a lot of the time I just have clothes around my bedroom. Folded and clean, mind you (that, like bras and undies, has a permanent space), just disorganized and not really put anywhere. I'm hopeless with arranging my clothes! And it's not like I'm not organized in the kitchen, because I am, relatively (you have to be with as little space as I have in my kitchen), but the clothes thing just has me stymied.

I'm tempted, though I never would, to hire an organizer. Don't sweat it amigos, I'm not going to do it, because in the end it seems foolish and should be something I can do on my own and I don't have money to spend on something like that. I am going to have to do some research, dig through some old Real Simple magazines, maybe watch an infomercial...

Whoah, jumped the track there didn't I...but I guess it's all tied in. Self improvement tends to have a ripple effect, don't you think?

Thoughts of a Big Loser on "The Biggest Loser"

2008-10-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure many people of the fat persuasion have done, I've watched a couple episodes of this season's Biggest Loser. I watched probably two episodes over the entire course of the series. But this year, seeing as I've joined WW and all, and I'm in a 'try and watch as many success stories/cautionary tales about obesity as possible to help keep me on track' phase, I had a bit more of an interest.

I'm pretty sure any interest I had in it has been stepped on and flattened by the banality of the show. Bottom line, it's crap reality programming, plain and simple.

(Let me take a moment to apologize to anyone reading this who likes the show...I mean no offense; I watch my own fair share of less than stellar programming, America's Funniest Home Videos for one, so I'd never judge another person by what they're watching; if you like it, watch away)

I have a lot of problems with this show. I have more problems with it than I can fit in one blog entry (and expect anyone to actually read it). So I'll try and be brief about them.

1. They rarely, if ever, show people eating food. One episode had the contestants cooking, with the help of Rocco Dispiritoroony or whatever his name is. And that's great, because I don't know about you guys, but stuff like that happens to me every week. They had a 'challenge' that involved guessing calories of fattening foods, and the punishment for failing to come the closest was having to eat the food itself. Would they do that to an alcoholic? "Oh, sorry buddy, you'll have to finish off that fifth of scotch. But it'll sure help those shakes!"

Occasionally they show them eating something, I'm assuming they're having a meal together. But I have no idea how the food got there, what it is, how often or how much they're eating. Now, maybe the general public doesn't realize this, but there's one reason why I am as big as I am. I eat too much. My problem is, has always been, and unfortunately always will be, with food. Sure, exercising isn't my favorite thing to do, but for me, my lack of movement followed my addition of weight. I would not have a weight problem if not for food. So, why don't they talk about it? Why don't they try and discuss these people's relationships with food, how to deal with them, and how to live a life of positive, healthy eating? And it's not like anything is so incredibly entertaining that they had to make room by bumping off anything related to food.

2. Another thing I find absolutely ridiculous are these workouts they go through. Where do I begin here? Really. They are taking people who haven't exercised, who don't exercise, and forcing them to do ridiculous workouts so they lose weight. They need trainers to help with FOOD. The exercise? Trainers are great. Exercise is key to weight loss. I get it. But this completely fabricated, phony atmosphere, with trainers like boot camp sergeants, and who I keep expecting to look at the camera and wink, because it's SO obvious they're performing, is just so far out of the realm of reality that I have a really hard time watching.

3. Another thing that gets me is the attitude toward the actual losing of the weight. I know it's a game show (because it really is, isn't it...just a really long game show) where they award the person who loses the most weight. But isn't the person who loses the least weight the one who needs help? And yet, that's the one (or in this case, the pair) who get sent home. Sure, they have their biggest loser program to follow and they keep losing weight and they get their 15 minutes of fame. But what exactly are we rewarding here?

A really sad thing is that some of these people feel bad, are downright crestfallen, because their weight loss didn't meet their expectations. So, someone who lost 7 pounds in a week feels bad because they lost less than their competitors. 7 pounds. Where the hell am I exactly? They're crying. They berate themselves. They get angry.

I've gotten angry over not losing what I'd hoped. But i remind myself, a loss is a loss.

4. A whole other reason I don't care for it is that it's just not very good. Goodly parts of it are downright boring. The challenges are boring. The people are, frankly, boring. On the last episode a father/daughter pair had to choose between them who would go home. The conversation between the father and daughter was endless, and I think it was supposed to be suspenseful, but I just felt like telling them to shut the hell up and decide already.

So, I don't think I'll be watching much anymore. Or at all. Maybe if it's on and I'm flipping around I'll....

Oh for crying out loud, who am I kidding. I'll never watch it again.

Catching Up!

2008-09-29T07:10:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Sorry for the silence. The planets have not been aligned in such a way that is conducive to blogging, at least in my world.

I'm still losing, so in case you're wondering, that's all going quite well.

I slogged through a bunch of laundry yesterday. Some of it was pretty ugly (amazing how it just sort of leaves your mind after you toss it down the chute, you know?). I'm hoping to thin out my collection (some due to my weight loss, some due to just having too many clothes) and wanted to be sure it was clean prior to wearing/donating.

I stayed up WAY too late last night. I watched a very interesting movie yesterday, I'd dvr'd it from Turner Classic Movies. It was called Saturday Night and Sunday Morning and it starred the fabulous Albert Finney. Gawd, how I love those young Brits (Albert Finney, Michael Caine, David McCallum, Malcolm MacDowell). I love 'em older too, but I don't know if you could ever find anyone as charming as a young Albert Finney. It was an excellent movie. I also watched The Woman in the Window, a movie directed by Fritz Lang with Edward G. Robinson. Nothing quite like those old movies, I say. I really liked this one. It had Dan Duryea in it too, and I got to wondering, has he been in any movies where he wasn't a complete slimeball? I can think of 4 movies he was in right off the top of my head, and he was a scoundrel in every last one.

I was very sad to hear about Paul Newman. He did live to a ripe old age, but still, to see a legend pass is just a sad thing. I almost went to see him on Broadway. He was the narrator in a revival of Our Town. The tickets would have been close to $200, and Paul Newman or not that's just too much to pay. I told my sister, maybe if he performed the entire play while sitting in my lap I'd pay $200.

I miss New York. I know I was just there in January, but amigos, I didn't really have a very good time. It wasn't the city's fault. I was in so much pain it was hard to enjoy it. I think in retrospect I should have cancelled the trip, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought I was doing OK, but I realize now that I was truly in a bad way. I ended up icing my knee every night for hours, and I just couldn't walk the city like I'm accustomed to doing. I'm so incredibly happy I got my knee taken care of, and now I can't wait to get back there. Unfortunately my friends don't have plans to leave the country so I don't have much of a reason to go. And I don't have all that much money these days, so travelling would probably be a mistake anyway.

But I do miss that city. I love that city. I love everything about it, even the scary parts. I love mostly that you can do stuff alone and not feel alone.

Sorry I don't have anything too exciting or funny to tell you about. I realize with such a long gap between posts that this one should be a corker, but it ain't.

I'll make it up to you.

.2 lousy %*#$ing pounds away...

2008-09-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'd say it's been long enough since my last post, wouldn't you?

Things are going not too bad. I did post a loss this week at weigh in, although I missed a significant goal by only .2 lbs! It's my own damned fault though, so I won't complain. I know exactly what I did wrong, and that was go a little fast and loose from weigh in day until Sunday. Nothing horrible, but I wasn't counting my points and that spells disaster. So I reined things in starting Monday, but it obviously was too little and too late.

BUT, I'm already doing better this week. I weighed in last night, and came home and ate sensibly.

Oh, and I've stopped buying frozen novelties altogether. I just can't have them in the house. When they're in the house, all I want to do is eat them, and when they're not I don't even think about them, so that says they've overstayed their welcome in my world. To that I say 'no more.'

And, in a strange twist, I've gone back to the full-sized Orville Redenbacher 94% Fat Free Kettle Corn. That's not going to be a permanent change, but I figure it will make me miss my frozen novelties less. I have an unopened box of 100 calorie bags of OR94%FFKC just waiting to be opened when I'm through.

I've been getting out and walking on campus during my breaks, and that's nice. Every day I walk past the new law school site and I can see progress day by day. I walk past our art museum and through some lovely landscaped areas. It's a nice little haven right in the city and I love it. Honestly, I think the kids who go here are darned lucky. They're not isolated, they are right in the thick of it, and that's one of the things that makes us so unique. I've really been enjoying my walks.

I've got a heck of a weekend coming up, crammed full of things to do. Hopefully I'll be done on Saturday relatively early, because Sunday I've got my 4 hour shift at the adoption center and I'm already dreading it.

I say that every time. And every time it ends up being fine. But it just doesn't make me want to do it any more than it ever did. I think sometimes I just get so tired of the following scenario. Someone comes in, asks all sorts of ridiculous questions, takes up copious amounts of your time, and then leaves. They're not really interested in adopting, they're just killing time essentially, but we have to treat everyone like royalty (I'm not arguing with that...you just never know for sure who you're talking to, and they could turn out to be your biggest benefactor) and it can get tiring when you spend your whole day talking and not getting one application, or one donation.

But, we're not trying to win any contests, and I certainly don't relay my attitude to anyone I talk to. Actually, most people are quite nice. Not bright necessarily, but nice. But, it's tiring. It's 4 hours of my Sunday. It's time away from my dogs and cats when my time with them is precious as it is.

BUT, I won't stop doing it. Complain I will, but I am doing important work and I'd say every shift I spend there I learn something, and someone who visits there learns something. It's the right thing to do. So I will keep doing it.

Anyway, hopefully because I'm having a busy weekend I will stay on track better than last week. I need the structure of being busy for me to not focus on food.

Luckily I've been throwing together some very easy yet tasty recipes that have kept me going. I'm currently working on a crock pot of chili. It's merely 'ok' chili. Actually, when putting it together it just seemed weird. It's 2 cans of hot chili beans, a can of black beans, a jar of salsa, a can of FF refried beans, a packet of taco seasoning and some soy crumbles (instead of ground beef or turkey). I still don't get what the refried beans are doing in there. And where are the tomatoes? Sure, there's the salsa, but you can't even tell it's in there. And the beans sort of disintegrated. And the soy crumbles are sort of lost.

It doesn't suck or anything, but I probably won't be making that again. I've got a better recipe that uses less ingredients, is cheaper, and tastes much better.

I love making stuff in my crockpot. It's amazing the number of easy vegetarian recipes you can make. If you've got a crockpot gathering dust, get it out and dust it off sweeties, because I've got some of the easiest, best recipes ever that I'll be sure to share with you..

Not now, of course. I mean later.

OK, I've rambled plenty. Just wanted to update you on all things me.

Focus! FOCUS!

2008-09-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Lots of catching up to do here!

I had a busy, fun weekend. Saturday was the Boxer Bash, an annual fundraiser for Green Acres Boxer Rescue of Wisconsin. I drove up to Green Bay and it rained non-stop, but in spite of that I made very good time (without endangering myself or others, even). Once I got there it was sort of a whirlwind. GABR buddies, if you're reading this, was this bash over and done with before you even realized it? It sure felt that way!!! We did fantastic, it was a great crowd in spite of the rain (bless those boxer lovers, they're a hardy bunch) and I had a ball. And, I'm not schmoozing just because I think they may be reading this, it absolutely did my heart good to see all of my GABR buds. A harder working, nicer more dedicated group of people you're not going to meet.

My eating was OK that day. I did buy some goodies at the bake sale (this is a legendary bake sale that pretty much kick's all other bake sales' asses) that I devoured between GB and home, and felt sort of guilty about it. And I wasn't very serious about counting points since my last meeting.

I think I've gotten into a habit of sort of treating my weigh in day as a freebie (since I don't have to weigh in for another week, that kind of thing) and this time it sort of segued into the weekend ending in a 4 veggie corn-dog fiesta that I had last night.

I've really reined myself in today. I'm doing a modified 'kickstart' thing that WW talks about, where if you feel you need a bit of a boost (and I do) or if you've reached a plateau (and I will) you restrict your points to 20 for a set amount of time (no more than 2 weeks, though I'd never be able to last 2 weeks on 20 pts a day). I figured that I'd do that starting today through Friday, just so I can focus. I feel like I've lost a bit of my focus lately. I haven't done anything out and out horrible, but I've been taking some liberties and I know, I just know, that it's the beginning of major trouble if I don't put a stop to it right now. And I'm notorious for abandoning all hope when I get sick. It's SO hard for me to eat right when I'm sick. When I'm feeling well, I love to eat right. When I'm feeling poorly, I just want to eat something that tastes really good, and I don't care what it is and the quicker I can get to it the better. And I'm just NOT going to let that happen this time, no sir.

So, today I'm prepared. I'm having my same breakfast (Quaker cinnamon spice oatmeal), same lunch (broccoli slaw and fruit) and I've made a HUGE vat of chili that comes out to 3 points per cup, so I could foreseeably have 2 cups of that a night (for the next week...I ain't joking when I say it made a ton) and keep to around 20 points. Now, my WW buddies who may be reading this, don't worry about me. I'm being very sane about it. I just know that I need to get back that mojo that I had in the very beginning. I need to stop taking the program for granted. I need to focus and get serious. AND, I know myself very well, and this is the best way for me to do it.

So again, WW has come up with an incredibly smart way to meet the needs of someone like me (or anyone who needs to lose weight, really). They know we can lose focus, they know we can get discouraged if we don't see success, and they've come up with this guideline, and I already feel like it's helping. I really do!!!

My cold is hanging on. I don't feel too crappy, but I sound terrible, and my nose is beet red what with all the blowing and stuff.

This weekend was my 25th high school reunion. I didn't go, but my friend T did (egged on by a former classmate and by the fact that it was a multi-year reunion, and her parents would be there celebrating their 50th, and her uncle would be there celebrating his 40th) and I made sure she told me everything. Not that there's much to tell, and not that I cared a whole lot, but that sort of opportunity doesn't offer itself every day, where you can essentially be a fly on the wall. Our class was the least represented (even compared to the 50 year one, where we and her parents figured a large number of alums would have died already), which doesn't surprise me because my class was notorious for their lack of school spirit. Maybe we were ushering in Generation X?

They had been touting a DVD that was for sale that featured highlights of our years at Pius set to a rockin' 80s soundtrack. I hadn't really intended on buying one, but similar to my interest in what my classmates might be up to, I was curious as to what it was all about. It turns out it's just a video of someone flipping pages through our senior yearbook set to 80s music. I've still got my yearbook, I can do that myself!

I tell you, that's a true friend who will attend a reunion she really doesn't want to go to, not ask you to join her, AND tell you all the details you missed out on.

So, another week is here. And I'm doing well on my program today, and for that I'm grateful.

"I feel like total #%@* Ferris"

2008-09-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, Amigos, in the midst of a horrific allergy season, I've caught a virus. How can I tell the difference? First of all, I have what is known in the...industry? field?...a 'productive' cough. This never happens as a result of my allergies. I do cough because of them, but allergy coughing is related to my asthma, and that's a spasm-y, wheezy, and dry non-productive cough. No, this coughing has been most productive. Also, I can't taste or smell anything, which always, without fail, happens around the middle of a cold. And I'm a snot factory, and not allergy snot. Nope, this is full on virus snot.

So, I have allergies and a nasty cold that I'm hoping doesn't get any worse because I'll just keep complaining then.

Aren't you happy you checked in?

I did attend the class yesterday and am now a voter registration deputy for the State of Wisconsin. I took an oath and everything. I went with my gentleman caller, and we actually had a really fun time. He took me to lunch and we discussed the fiasco that was Saturday night and all seems to be on the up and up. I feel better that I mentioned it and got it out there. And I think it was good for both of us. I'm not one to beleager something, especially if I feel the person is contrite, and he was. So, we're sort of moving slowly along. We did take an interesting step yesterday. He met several of my friends. The class was held on campus and we had time after lunch so I took him to my desk and showed him around where I work. I think he got the same feeling I get every day, the joy and fun of working in an academic setting. He even started talking about his desire to go back to school (honestly, it'll do that to you).

I have a pretty busy weekend. It's the annual Boxer Bash Saturday, which is always, always a good, fun and busy time. And I figure on Sunday I'll spend the whole day recuperating so that I can show up to work on Monday and not sound like I'm at death's door.

This and that

2008-09-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

First let me start off by saying that the post I did the other day, where I talked about my date that went all wrong, was not written strictly to be a bitch fest. Actually, I had a very practical reason for writing it. Usually when you see your friends (ones you talk to less frequently) they'll ask you how things are going. I've had several friends ask me "How are things with X?" since we started seeing each other. Well, I figured rather than having to explain the story numerous times (and admit it, if it happened to you I bet you'd want folks to know the details just for the amusement factor) I'd just blog about it, so that when friends asked I could just tell them to read it.

I have to say, it's worked quite well. Everyone who would want to know about the incident now knows, and I'm not hoarse from telling it over and over.

And, I'm certain that the man in question won't read the blog, so I'm not overly concerned about that. Besides, I was just relaying facts and how I felt about what happened. I don't think I went too overboard into bashing his character or anything.

Anyway, I felt the need to explain myself. And really, isn't that what a blog is all about?

Something strange has occurred, however. My friend unexpectedly emailed me yesterday. See, I figured since he didn't contact me over the weekend, that was sort of his way of saying we're finished. I was completely resigned to the fact that I wouldn't see him again, and it was OK. But then this email yesterday. He's actually taking the voter registration class with me. So, I figure we can do that and hopefully I'll have an opportunity to talk with him afterward.

I guess what I need to get out there is, if he wants to stay in touch with me, if he wants to continue seeing me, that's fine, but there are a few things I expect. As in, I don't want what happened this weekend to happen again. That seems reasonable, no?

On another note, my allergies are the worst that they've been I'd say in about 20 years. I'm absolutely miserable. Everything from my neck up itches. My eyes, back of my throat, inside of my ears, my scalp (???), my lips (yes, my lips itch). It's really, really bad. I woke up at about 3 this morning unable to breathe with a sore throat. I actually got up and gargled with salt water and took 3 advil hoping that it would alleviate my throat pain. The back of my throat is so irritated. My lips are chapped and my nose is in sorry, sorry shape. Currently I have one working nostril.

You'd think I'd be used to it. I've had fall allergies since I was a little kid. But, I'm sorry to say, I'm not used to it. It's like a cold that never gets better. I find myself praying for an early frost (sorry everyone...but it's the only thing that offers permanent relief). I went to see my allergiest last week, and he gave me some free stuff that has helped, but I think the allergens are winning.

Tomorrow I'm taking that class to be a voter registration deputy. I'm very excited about that. I just hope that it's something I can do appropriately. I mean, I don't want the election to come around and I screw things up and make national news because thousands of votes don't count because of something I did.

That is the sort of thing I worry about. I'd say my mantra most days is "Don't screw up...don't screw up...don't screw up..."

This weekend is the Boxer Bash. It is always a busy, very fun day. I think I'm actually heading up solo. That's about all on my agenda for the weekend, and I'm glad for that.

Signing off for now.

Hey! I forgot to tell you!

2008-09-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention this in my post below, but I had a very strange thing happen this morning. While getting dressed for work I had to find a pair of jeans. See, during the summer I almost always wear capri-style pants/jeans. When you're as hot as I am (and I mean temperature hot) you look for any opportunity to cool off, and capris are that way. ANYway, it's cooled down a lot so I was going through my jeans. Every single pair of jeans I have is 2 sizes too big. Every one of them.

I ended up finding the smallest pair of the too big ones (you know how that goes--they say the same size, but no 2 pair are alike!) which I'm wearing right now. They're still wearable. They're not falling down or anything. But they're too damned big.

So I was happy about that. Of course I'm not happy about the prospect of having to buy new jeans. So it was frustrating but cool at the same time.

Much better!

2008-09-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I feel infinitely better today. Writing yesterday's blog was cathartic; it feels so good to get all that stuff off my chest. I also got a very good night's sleep; yesterday I was tired and cranky, but today is a whole other story.

On the downside, I had me a binge yesterday. On the upside (if binges can have upsides) I have still managed to stay away from my pre-WW binging habits (deli, donuts, culvers, etc.). I just ate too much of the things I already had in the house.

Let's see, what else is new. On Thursday I'll be taking a class sponsored by the Wisconsin Government Accountability Board so I can be a voter registration deputy. :) A deputy!

I wanted to do my part to ensure that everyone who wants to vote and is eligible, can vote. I know that during the Kerry election representatives of a certain opposing party who shall remain nameless were present in certain wards and did all they could within (and sometimes outside of) the law to prevent people from voting or registering to vote.

I'm trying to become more involved in this election. I sincerely fear for our country if Obama is not elected, and I'm going to do all I can to make sure it happens. Sorry if there are any McCain fans reading this, but I will not be swayed. We need Obama and Biden as our country's leaders, end of story.

Keep me in mind Amigos, because while my binging yesterday wasn't terrible, I did feel some of the old habits bubbling up to the top. It's a fine line I walk friends, and I'm trying very hard to remain on the right side, but honestly, it's not a far stretch for me to fall into my old habits. That's the insidiousness of a weight problem. If I succumb to a trigger, I could be lost forever.

But, I feel strong right now, so I'm going with that.

Peace out everyone.

File Under: "You Sure Know How to Pick 'Em"

2008-09-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed, Amigos, that I haven't mentioned my gentleman caller in a while. Things have been smooth. Being a somewhat private person (well...among my friends I'm very happy to dish, but I'm just not quite ready to get all crazy out here in blogdom yet) I kept it to myself. We have lot of fun, and he is odd and quirky and somehow just right up my alley. I like him.

However, he did some strange things over the last 2 1/2 months. Nothing terrible, But a string of things that slowly compose a picture. Take this for instance. I was at his apartment. It is very sparsely furnished. One comfortable chair and a couple of ottomans, and that's about it. I don't mind that at all. I actually like it. So we were watching television (the RNC, which is a whole story in and of itself), and I was in the comfy chair. I'm the guest, it seems appropriate. I asked him a few times if he wanted to switch, because that's the kind of person I am. He said he was fine.

I get up to use the bathroom. I come back, and HE'S in the chair. And he wasn't doing it to be funny, I think he just really wanted to sit there. So...I sat on the floor. No big deal, I know. But when you add that to the time that he and I went for a walk and not only did he not even once offer to help carry the things i'd gotten at Outpost (and this was a LONG walk, and I had bought 5 bottles of salad dressing because they were on sale) at one point he was a good 7 feet in front of me. Again, not major things by themselves, but they come together to paint a certain type of picture. And there were many more things, Amigos. All minor. But as I told my friend Alabaster Mom, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And drop it did.

He was free Saturday around 7:00 pm. I agreed to bring a pizza over to his place. Easy peasy, right? He lives in a Milwaukee suburb about 10 miles from my house. It's a 20 minute-ish drive. So I order a pizza. While getting ready to leave, I realize I'd left all of my makeup at work (don't ask). I'm not huge into makeup but I like to wear a little, so I had to make a quick stop at Walgreen's and pick up the bare essentials, which I proceeded to apply in the parking lot. I was also wearing a new top that I had bought that day at Kohl's. Not too fancy, but fancy-ish. In my world, I was dressed up.

I pick up the pizza at 7:00 and drive to his house. As I'm getting off the expressway (about 4 minutes from his place) my phone rings. It's him.

"Where are you?"
"I'm just getting onto Howard Ave., I'll be there in a minute."
"Oh."
"Are you at home?"
"Yes."
"Everything OK?"
"Yeah, I was just curious."

I figured he was calling because I was a tad on the late side.

So, I get to his place. We sit down to eat some pizza (me on the ottoman, him in the comfy chair). I asked what he'd done during the day. He'd helped a friend clean out his car, and his friend took him to lunch. That's when I noticed he wasn't really eating his pizza, which I mentioned. "Yeah, I had a really big lunch."

OK...

He then said that a friend was going to call him about going to a church festival nearby. I figure maybe we'd go there later. So his phone rings, it's his friend, he gets some details and hangs up. Takes his plate of pizza into the kitchen, returns his pieces to the box and says:

"I'm going to go over to the festival. Did you want to go?"
"That could be fun. Do you think I'd enjoy it?"
"I don't know. It's just going to be me and a bunch of guys."
"Well, if you don't think I'll have fun I won't go, it's alright."

Then he proceeded to tell me about how one of these guys is a woman basher who won't hesitate to insult me to my face (when I asked him why he was friends with him he insisted this wasn't his friend, but a friend of a friend), and I'd probably be miserable. So I reiterated, "If I won't enjoy it, it's fine, I won't go."

Mind you, I wasn't angry or confrontational, I was my usual mellow self. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the patience of Job and am very, VERY slow to anger. To a fault, probably. But it's just my nature.

That was when he put his shoes on. To leave. He wasn't just going to the festival. He was going to the festival NOW.

So I packed up my stuff and we walked out. I was at his place probably for about as long as it's taken me to write this far.

I was disappointed. I wasn't happy. But I wasn't really mad, at least outwardly. Some of that is pride. I don't like people to know when they've hurt me. But some of it is just my own good nature.

He couldn't figure that out. "You're OK with this?"

I responded "I don't begrudge someone time with their friends. If this is something you want to do, then go and do it." He told me how laid back of me that was. Whatever.

I explained that I'm not the kind of person who is going to say "You can't be with your friends."

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think what he did was pretty rotten, because I do. But I don't think it's worth the trouble of me getting all bent out of shape about it, at least in my dealings with him. So we parted ways. He was getting very lovey dovey and sweet with me and thanking me, etc. He decided he'd only be there for about an hour and then he'd call me.

Again, he commented on my demeanor, and I told him "It takes a lot to get me angry. Just keep trying, you'll get me mad some day." I told him what really makes me mad is being blown off. And it does. And I also said I don't like people taking advantage of my good nature. He told me how much he hates that too, and how he'd never do that and blah blah blah.

So, I went home. I walked in the door at 8:10. I'd been with him a total of a half hour. I was upset, I was disappointed, and I felt foolish. I'd prepared for this. I'd bought a new blouse, I'd bought makeup I needed, I'd picked up a pizza, I'd made the drive to his place, and he kicked me out in order to go to a lousy church festival.

In the end, I was probably more sad than mad. The anger did arise, of course, but again, it was overshadowed by disappointment and, in a way, shame. Like I'd made a fool of myself in preparing for what turned out to be nothing.

But, I went home and changed into something more comfortable. I watched some television. I did a crossword puzzle. I called a friend. By the time 10:45 rolled around I realized he wasn't going to call. Or maybe he was, but it could only be interpreted it as a booty call, and that wasn't going to happen.

So, I texted him saying "I guess you changed your mind?"

I went to bed.

Now I was angry. He'd done the very thing he said he doesn't do, and the very thing I told him 3 hours ago made me mad. He blew me off.

Then I cried. Being stood up (and hopefully my gentle readers haven't been there, but unfortunately this wasn't the first time for me) is so insulting, so humiliating.

I wasn't crying over the prospect of losing him because at this point having a relationship with him would be SO much more trouble than it's worth. I was crying over everything I'd done that day. I was crying over the excitement I felt at seeing him. I was crying over how casually he led me out of his apartment. I was crying because I was so unimportant to him that he couldn't tell his friends he'd already made plans for the evening. I think that may be the biggest reason of all. Going to a lousy church festival meant enough to him that he essentially asked me to leave. That's just...I know it shouldn't, but it makes me feel SO bad. I'm not worth spending time with. And he'd made plans with me first.

My friend and I were talking about if this is something we would do. I remember doing things like that in the past. But we're talking when I was in high school, maybe college. That was back when you didn't want to miss going out with your friends because they were going to have all the fun and you wanted to be a part of it, and you weren't mature enough to realize you may hurt someone in the process. It was never anything I ever did frequently because it wasn't a nice thing to do, and as I matured I just never did it at all. I may have to break plans, sure. Life happens. But I could never DREAM of doing what he did. The time to break plans with me was before I showed up at his house. At the very least, the minute my foot crossed that threshold it was a done deal.

At least in my world.

I can put up with a lot. Some people may see that as weakness, or an inability to stand up for myself. It's not. I just have a very high tolerance. And it's not bottled up either. I don't blow my stack at some later date. I'm just quick to forgive.

But I do break. And I do stand up for myself.

Once I reach a certain point, when my tolerance is stretched to its limit, when I've finally had enough (and the majority of people I know never push me that far; it's a very select few) it's a done deal. You've blown it, and it's irreparable.

I'm never mean about it, I never actively confront someone about it. It's just over. Take someone I work with (please). I had put up with a lot from her, dealt with her moods, tolerated her confrontational behavior. But one day she exhibited such behavior toward me, such unwarranted venom and vitriol, that I knew I couldn't relate to her on any type of personal level. We are on civil terms, we have an OK working relationship. But I cannot deal with her on any other level. She blew it. I saw some ugly behavior from her and that she can never redeem.

It's the same here. There were quirky things, but they were quirky, tolerable, no biggie.

What happened Saturday was downright thoughtless and unkind, and I can't allow myself to be open to that.

So, I did what one does in this situation. I've deleted all text messages and phone calls from him (I never committed his numbers to memory...they just downloaded into my cell phone) so that even if I wanted to call him, the only way I could figure out his number is if I go into my cell phone bill to my outgoing/incoming calls, and there's no reason I'd ever need to do that. I've deleted all emails. I've wiped him off my caller ID on my home phone.

I don't know if this was his way of dumping me? I mean, who listens to someone say how much they hate being blown off, agrees, and then proceeds to blow the other person off? I pretty much handed him "how to get rid of me" on a silver platter. But...would someone really do that? How low can you go?

Of course, he obviously can go pretty darned low. But who would actually take such a roundabout, rotten way to get rid of someone? Jeez, if he didn't want to see me it's as simple as telling me. End of story.

I have no idea what was going through his head. I have no idea if he thinks I'm still there for him. I just don't know anything about him, really. I thought I did, but I don't.

So, alas, no more gentleman caller.

But, in a very strange twist of fate, I got an email from a guy I saw casually a while back. We've known each other for a long time, and he's always been kind of sweet on me. And he has this uncanny knack for contacting me when I'm in the midst of guy trouble, without fail. And in a way that's kind of nice. It reminds me there are other fish in the sea. Not that he'd be one of them, because he's kind of a dick. But it's nice boost to my ego to know he's been thinking about me.

My gentleman caller, though...well. I think I can see clearly why he's single.

p.s. Should any of you feel like mentioning what a dick he was, and how rotten what he did was, please feel free. Even if you don't know me, feel free to tell me. And what I've written here is the unabashed truth about the situation. I haven't added or embellished or anything. No exaggeration. This is EXACTLY what went down on Saturday, sad as it is. So, yeah, if you feel like tearing him a new one, I say have at it!

Author's Note: A dear friend read this and mentioned that I was far too accomodating (true) and that I should have said more at the time (also very true). What I may not have conveyed above is that I was, frankly, stunned. The full effect of what went down didn't really sink in until I was home. So, in an ideal situation, I would have settled things there, but I guess I felt like someone had socked me in the gut, you know? I wouldn't have known where to begin.

More of the same

2008-09-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

My weigh in blew chunks yesterday. It could have been worse, of course, but it still blew. The scale didn't budge, exact same amount as my weigh in last week. I'm not disappointed or unhappy, and I'm OP today, so it's fine. It's such a weird thing though, to see NO activity whatsoever. But hey, I'll take it over a gain any day.

I've started and stopped this blog like 5 times already. Just can't seem to get my act together and I have too much knocking around in my head to make anything coherent. I guess I'm not quite sure what I feel like sharing today. Am I that boring?

I do have a little trepidation about having no loss this week. I did do some silly things, though nothing earth shattering. But I probably logged more exercise than I actually did and less food than I actually ate. You can get away with that here and there, but you can't make a habit out of it.

I've vowed to myself that I'll try harder this week. I have a milestone I'm trying to reach (I'm having deja vu...did I mention this last week?) and I really, really want to get there.

I went shopping yesterday, which completely tanked. First of all, what the hell is with shoes? There wasn't a single shoe at Boston Store or Macy's that I'd let anywhere near my size nines. And the clothes were just...nothing I'd ever put on.

I was all jazzed because there were final markdowns on stuff and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could snag a deal or two (I've been spectacularly lucky lately). But, it looks like both of those stores have been designated as the repository for whatever any of the other stores can't unload. Seriously. I was at Boston Store about a month ago and none of these clothes were there. I think this is their last stop before they die. Or maybe the staff is just trying to pull a fast one on us by unloading their own crappy stuff. Hard to say.

Clothes shopping has become somewhat more enjoyable. Not that things in women's plus sizes are incredibly fashionable, but to actually be able to take something off a rack and have it fit is something I haven't enjoyed in a long while. Things may have fit me, but when you can buy stuff you KNOW fits on online, it was a no brainer.

Well, I'm uninspired today so I'm signing off. Peace out.

Feels like a Monday

2008-09-02T10:10:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

What a weekend. Saturday I got up early and went a couple blocks down to catch the beginning of the Harley parade. We stayed for the whole thing. I can't explain why it's fun, it just is. We stood in the sun the whole time, but it wasn't too bad, and I'd put on some sunscreen (though not in all the right places). Then I kind of vegged for the rest of the day. I had grandiose plans of getting caught up around the house but that didn't happen.

That night my sister called me to tell me that Barack Obama was coming in to town and would be speaking at Labor Fest. So the next morning I got up, went out for breakfast, and went straight to the nearest campaign office and stood in line to get tickets. Again I was out standing in the sun. It was really warm, so my friend T held our spots while I stood in the shade until just about time to get the tickets. The line was SO long, it stretched down the entire length of an alley and beyond.

Then I had to spend 4 hours at the adoption center. It wasn't too bad, except for a guy who really annoyed me. When I told him not to pet the cats, he gave me the incredibly old and never funny or cute response "They were touching me." I didn't react. Then he said "They were touching ME, there's nothing I can do about that."

Huh? And...how old are you? First of all, the response is incredibly childish, and secondly, what the hell do you mean there's nothing you can do about that? Just stand back a couple inches. Problem solved.

Then he gave me the old "Those are the cats I want" like I'm just going to hand them over. I thought, but didn't say "And people in hell want ice water."

It's hard to maintain my sunny demeanor when I hear the "they're touching me" line 5,000 times, but I managed.

Yesterday I went to see Barack Obama. His speech was quite short, what with hurricane Gustav bearing down on Louisiana and its environs. But it was exhilirating nonetheless. A huge crowd, a very electric atmosphere. I love Obama. He had me at hello. :)

Nothing overly witty or insightful to share with you today. I managed to stay OP this weekend. As you lose weight they take points away from you, so I've been dipping into my weekly points more than I usually do, but that's to be expected. I was quite active, and really did manage to eat pretty well. At the Obama thing(gates opened at 2:00, and he didn't come on until 6) I had water, and a big soft pretzel smothered in mustard (one of my favorite things) and some red licorice. I'm kind of glad that my labor day ended up like this. I didn't have to contend with any barbecue, or fancy desserts or family strife, so I came out relatively unscathed.

Bully!

Note to Self

2008-08-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Always check the clock before deciding to go outside for a walk.

Let me back track for a bit. I'm trying very hard to earn activity points (AP in WW speak). I didn't plan on walking today because it's a bit too warm (close to 80) and I tend to get sweaty and flushed. But by around 11:30 I started getting antsy. Then about 15 minutes later I jumped up from my chair and went for a walk.

It's still sort of warm, but I didn't become too sweaty and gross, so that part is fine. But, I forgot to check the clock and I ventured outside and onto campus right smack dab in the middle of the change of classes.

You see, this is something that I, and probably 99.9% of the people who work here, try never to do. It's crowded and noisy, and depending on the time of year it can sort of be depressing (that is, remind you of how old you are). On top of that I was being lapped by everyone. Not that it's a huge deal for me, but I'm pretty sure they were getting annoyed with it. If I'd just checked the clock I would have waited 5 minutes and spared myself.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'd have put it off and not taken my walk at all. Maybe I'd have talked myself out of it. Maybe it wasn't such a mistake after all. I took a walk when my bod told me I needed to take a walk, and I got it done whether campus was crowded or not.

Makes you think. Well, maybe not you. But it makes ME think.

I may forgo my afternoon constitutional however. It's only going to get warmer, and I was planning on doing laundry tonight, which can be a real workout for me. I hate doing laundry and put it off and end up doing a ton at once. And WW includes laundry as an activity. I always clock less than I actually do, too, because I don't really work THAT hard at it. But I deserve those points anyway!

So, that's my activity for the day. I wonder how many points a person earns for wading through a sea of underclassmen?

Anxious

2008-08-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I feel the need to blog about some anxiety I'm having. I suppose I could just journal about this but who knows, maybe I'll write something that someone else may find helpful.

I'm anxious about many things right now. I'm anxious about my weigh in tomorrow. I can't believe how fast they come up! I was .2 lbs away from hitting a personal milestone last week. I believe that I did relatively well this week, but as has been my problem in the past, I let go a bit over the weekend. 3 meals eaten out, eating every bite from the plates of said meals, a few too many tortilla chips while having Mexican for lunch, a breakfast that could have been better. I know that I will be quite disappointed if I don't lose that lousy .2 that I need to, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Why would I sabotage myself? None of those things I did was fatal of course. But they are the crack in the dike, you know? That tiny little thing that seems OK and you don't have to worry about it, but it's the beginning of trouble.

The good thing is I recognize it as such. But I recognized it going in to this week and I still caved.

It's such a scary thing, that food has such control over me. You put it in front of me and I'm going to eat it. Like when I was at the ball game a few weeks back, we had a big bag of salted-in-the-shell peanuts. I kept eating them, and then moved them away from me so I would stop. My sister said "Why don't you just stop eating them?" Sounds easy doesn't it. But for me it's not. I needed them out of my reach. But why???

I'm anxious about how the odds are stacked against me. I do know the answer to that problem, though. Never stop going to the meetings. These meetings are going to be a life-long thing for me. If I stop going, it will stop working. That much I know. I tried desperately, for close to 20 years, to lose weight on my own, and all I did was gain. I'd lose in the short term, but it would always come back on, along with a few friends brought along just for kicks.

As long as I reach out for support, as long as I educate myself, as long as I'm accountable, every week, I will succeed.

Living the way I was living is not an option anymore. I really and truly was miserable. The enjoyment of food is over so quickly, but the effects of it are not. The good thing is I tend to think a lot more about my choices and I tend not to rush into things and buy stuff and eat it before I have a chance to rationally decide what I should do.

There are lots of things I haven't eaten since I started WW, and I don't miss them. I never did miss them. Krispy Kreme, for example. Can't remember the last time I had a KK donut, but I don't really care and I don't miss it. Haven't gone to a drive-thru since I started WW. I haven't visited the local deli or bakery either. I haven't had a mocha or a latte. I haven't bought and devoured a bag of chips. I haven't gotten anything from a vending machine. I haven't ordered Chinese carryout. I've been feeding myself with the groceries I buy every week. Not only have I lost weight, but I've for certain saved a lot of money too.

Even while I know I'm doing well and will continue to do so, there are still things that cause me anxiety, things that I work on all the time. I could never, ever say that this struggle is easy. The plan is easy. The meals I prepare and eat are easy. But the struggle I have with food never, ever will be easy. Never. I will fight this my entire life. That's what makes me so anxious. But all I can do is get through today.

If all else fails, I'll find something on my body that weighs .2 lbs and chop it off. Come to think of it, I haven't had a hair cut lately.

6 Months!

2008-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

My last WW meeting marked 6 months with the program. They don't acknowledge that the way they acknowledge your first 16 weeks. The first 16 weeks is huge and everyone deserves kudos for making it through. By 6 months you're deep into it it's a long damn time. 16 weeks is dedication, a sign that you've committed, and I can see why they'd acknowledge it.

I didn't want anything for 6 months in the first place, and it makes perfect sense why they don't make a huge deal out of it. Can you imagine the poor person struggling to lose, receiving acknowledgement for length of time in the program? "You've been at WW for over a year now! Great! How much have you lost? 5 lbs? Oh."

I think this may be the longest I've stuck with any one program. The most I ever lost on a program was 28 lbs, and I hit that with WW 4 months ago.

So, this is good. And I still feel strongly for the progam, I still agree with it, I'm not bored with it, I like it. I haven't missed a single meeting or weigh in, and I still look forward to going.

So, what now? More of the same, I guess. I have made a few changes. As you move along in the program you sort of have to. Like the points thing. They give you a certain amount of points based on your start weight, and as you lose weight, they take points away. At first that was no big deal because I had an assload of points and had to work to use them all.

But as they've whittled away at them I find myself using them up much faster. So I've made some adjustments. I no longer purchase the WW goodies at the meeting. This has several benefits, actually. I save money, first of all. Also, I found it increasingly difficult to eat them sanely. I could rarely stop at one. And on top of that, I don't spend my points on them anymore. It wasn't like I was getting a great dose of nutrition or anything.

I've also stepped up my exercise. I'm not 100% successful in this endeavor, but I do try. I try to take a walk at least once a day for 20 minutes. Ideally I shoot for 2 walks a day of 20 minutes each, but I try not to get too worked up about it if I can't fit both in. The great thing about that is I can use the points I earn that day for food, and those activity points come in handy dandy.

I'm also making a rather drastic move. I'm going from a full sized bag of 94% Fat Free Orville Redenbacher Kettle Corn to the 100 calorie pack of 94% FFORKC. This is going to be a big change. See, I'm a popcorn nut. I can just eat and eat it and never think twice about it. The thought of that tiny bag of popcorn makes me very depressed, but I'm sure I'll get used to it, much like I got used to all the other little changes I made. Baby steps, amigos.

So, who's to say what the next 1/2 year will bring. If I have any control over things (and when you think about it I pretty much do, barring force majeur or an act of God) it's entirely up to me what happens the next 6 months. Frankly, it's the next 4 months that are giving me the schpilkes. I mean, this is the holidays, amigos. The big kahuna. The big cheese. The biggest road block to diets.

All I can do is plan, and pray. So often I've headed into the holidays with the best intentions, only to be spat out on New Year's Day with absolutely no resolve and a complete lack of interest in what I'm putting into my body. But, I have a secret weapon now. Well, not so secret. I have Weight Watchers.

Rummage Report

2008-08-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Made it through another weekend. The rummage sale was a resounding success. Of course, this all depends on your definition of success in the world of rummages. Success for me means I got rid of some stuff, made some money and was never frightened or overly annoyed by any visitors. Frankly, some of them were downright adorable and so sweet. And I got to spend quality time with some of my favorite people who were a part of the whole sale (we figured, the more people the more stuff, the more stuff the larger the crowd).

So, it was good. Better than good. Yet another fun thing I was able to do this summer.

The weather started out kind of badly on Saturday, with a couple sudden thunderstorms. But truly interested people do not let something like that get in the way of a bargain.

I also went to see a movie with my mom this weekend, Vicki Cristina Barcelona. The wonderful Javier Bardem was in it (which I'm pretty sure is the reason my mom suggested it in the first place--the woman has taste). I wasn't entirely into it, and neither was she. The settings were gorgeous, and it had some of the astute observations you expect from Woody Allen. I think my big issue was that most of the reviews I read had been stellar, so I was waiting to be impressed. This may be one of those 'the whole isn't equal to the sum of the parts' thing. There was a lot to like about it, but bringing it together didn't really happen, at least for us.

We had dinner after the movie. We couldn't make up our minds where to go, and I'm a bit fussy seeing as I don't want too much conflict with WW. We ended up at the Chancery where I had the open faced tilapia tacos. The combination of things they put on there was quite tasty, and it came with some yummy black beans and a side of wild rice. But there were for sure things on there I probably should have steered clear of, and I cleaned my plate, so I wouldn't say I did the best job. It probably didn't help that I met my friends bright and early that morning for breakfast at Heinemann's, and while I tried to keep it reasonable, I just don't think there's anything you can do to hash browns to make them healthy other than not eating them.

So, when I got home that evening I took both dogs out for a walk independently. I can walk them both, but I really need a couple more arms and maybe another leg or 2 to make that an actually enjoyable experience. But I wanted to get moving because I'd been so generous with myself food-wise. Stella and I went south, Ravi and I went north. By the time Ravi and I were heading in the door it was nearly dark outside. I love walking that time of night (though it's probably not necessarily the safest time, although I doubt anyone would mess with me when I have Ravi with me unless they were well armed, which they probably would be). The greatest thing about being out then is that the bats start coming out. I love watching them up there doing their job of picking bugs right out of the air. Occasionally they'll run into one another (not literally, just get into each other's business I guess) and you'll hear this 'tst! tst! tst!' that's very cool.

So, while I did take some liberties in the area of consumption, I was not inactive, far from it actually, so all is not lost.

Classes start today. I've made sure to get in 2 walks (if you walk all the way around campus you can almost get a good mile in), but only after the change of classes. I know they're my bread and butter, but I don't want them crawling all over the place when I'm just trying to get a little decent exercise.

Well, that's about all she wrote. I did want to mention this, however. I need to make a conscious effort to eat better on the weekends. I think I'm giving myself too much leeway, and while I haven't noticed it at the scale yet, and maybe I won't for a long time, if I keep it up unchecked, I will get into trouble.

If I think I can get away with it, I'll try more and more things until I'm right back where I started and wondering how I got there.

There is one thing I know for certain. I can't start this process over. I can't even let myself think about it, it's just too overwhelming. So I'm telling you all here and now, I'm going to do better on weekends. I'm going to be more serious and more honest about what it is I do on the weekends. Weekends are not a free pass!!!

The state I'm in

2008-08-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Jeez, a week without a blog! Honestly amigos, it's strictly because I've been absolutely swamped at work and I'm swamped at work because one of my students came back for the last week of summer vacation. All my students are great, but this one is a freak of nature. Better than good, so far beyond competent there aren't words. So what did the Margin Walker do this whole week? Tried desperately to keep all of my students happy and busy, and it's kicked my everloving behind.

But it's all good.

Classes start on Monday. You'd think I'd be immune to it now, but it is an event that always gets me wound up, in many ways, most of which aren't good. Everything gets crowded, it's harder to park, it's harder to get around. And it makes me realize just how long it's been since I was in their shoes. That's the problem with working at your alma mater, amigos.

But there's another part of me that loves it. Don't hate me, but I always loved going back to school (that is, once I hit high school and even more when I got to college; grade school, which I despised, not so much). Seeing all my friends, getting back into the books, the camaraderie of the classroom. And I truly love working at an academic institution. I'll take that over a business any day of the week. Here we're just trying to get the knowledge out there. There's no money involved, just learning.

Of course, it's nothing you'll ever get rich doing. Wouldn't it figure, my two favorite things, education and animal rescue, are not the cash cows you may have been led to believe!

Weigh in was good yesterday, amigos, quite good. Scale is moving in the right direction, and it took a nice hop on its way down.

My weekend is going to be a very, very busy one (which is enough to drive me crazy; I come to work on Mondays feeling like they never even happened). Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you, in two words: Rummage sale.

That's right. My friends convinced me (against my seemingly better judgment) to host a rummage sale. See, I live in a better neighborhood than either of them. Not that my neighborhood is any great shakes, but it's extremely close to Wauwatosa, and one of the benefits is that I can sort of ride on their coattails.

So, it'll be 4 people altogether: Me, my friend T, and my other friend T and his girlfriend G. I advertised it (on craigslist) as a 3 Family Rummage. So I guess I'm a family now. I'm completely and utterly unprepared. No lie. I've done nothing. So what does that mean? That means that tonight I'll be going through 11 years worth of things, figuring out what I'd like to throw away, and instead of throwing it away, slapping a price tag on it and putting it in my driveway.

To add to everything else, 2 of my best friends are having a housewarming (or as my friend, yet another T calls it, a 'house chillin') and I've got to figure out how on earth I'm going to swing getting there (because I really want to) and run a rummage.

And, this is going to be a family weekend, too. It's been a couple weeks since I saw my mom, and I can guarantee you that if I don't see her this weekend, well... I'm not going there. Trust me, it's in my best interest (and frankly EVERYONE'S best interest) that I see her.

So, I'm about ready to hit the road here, head home and start sorting. Here's what I have so far (at least, in the virtual rummage sale in my head; I've not actually done anything). A 19" Zenith television with no remote; a 3 tiered bookcase that I got from Target and never put together; a vaporiser (and filters!); a NordicTrack (if I'm not too embarrassed to put it out there); some cds I never listen to and dvds I never watch.

Tempting, ain't it?

By popular demand (of no one)...

2008-08-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm posting again today. So?

I'm sure you noticed I changed things up here a bit. I just felt the need to try something new and I was getting sick of looking at the colors I'd been using.

Actually it started because Alabaster Mom sent me a link to a website called CakeWrecks and I HAD to include it in my 'good links' section. And once I start messing around in there I just keep going to see what else I can monkey with and improve/make worse/annoy my reader(s).

I've included a picture of myself somewhere over there on the right. I was at an event for the adoption center and there were scantily clad women handing out what they called 'caffeinated shots.' Being the innocent that I am, I didn't think they were alcoholic, I just figured they were shots of caffeine. Alas, they were indeed alcoholic, and not too good either, and my drinking days are long over, so it wasn't particularly enjoyable. The least enjoyable was the picture. I look like I just consumed an entire pie. I do NOT like how I turn out on photos, and this one in particular just bugged the bejesus out of me.

But, I figured, I owe it to my reader to post a picture. See the sacrifices I make for blogdom?

This picture is from June I believe, early June or late May, so I've dropped some weight since then. Of course, unless every ounce has been lost only from my face, I probably don't look a whole lot different.

I'm going to try and post weight loss progress pics. That seems to be something that my WW boardies do, and it's so inspirational, and I should just swallow my pride and do it. Baby steps. It's all about baby steps.

Gearing up for the weekend. I'm off like a prom dress. Peace out amigos.

Results

2008-08-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

Well, after my week of debauchery, I still posted a loss! .4 lbs. I know, it's not even a 1/2 pound, but frankly, I couldn't be happier, because I was able to contain myself, ramp up my exercise and account for some overeating on my part.

The best part is, there should be no stumbling blocks for me this week. No birthdays. No state fair. I am going out with one of my New York friends who's in town visiting family, but he and I tend to be very active when we're together. I'm not worried about food when I'm with him. Then on Sunday I'll probably be going to breakfast with my usual crowd, but I can plan for that. I figure I can ride out those 2 things in my schedule, and follow the plan faithfully for the week, and hopefully knock one out of the park at the next weigh in.

So, all is well!

I have to say that this WW plan is pretty smart. I'm losing, but I rarely feel deprived. The online tools make it so easy to track what I'm eating. And the whole thing with earning activity points for exercise is nothing short of brilliant. You are actively rewarded for getting out and moving, rather than just having a plan tell you how important exercise is.

The meeting last night was about the history of weight watchers and how the plan used to be compared to how it is today. I came to the conclusion that the part of the plan that works has stayed the same. The group dynamic is probably one of the most important things about the whole plan. And they have been constantly working on the meal plans since they started.

We had some good laughs over that. I guess years ago it was required that you eat liver once a week. And you had to bake it. It makes me gag just thinking about it. Back in the day I would eat liver, but rarely and only when eating out. I'm one of those weird people who likes liver. Though I'd never dream of making it.

It's amazing how things have changed. I can remember the very first program I ever joined, the now defunct Diet Workshop. The first week, the intro to the plan, consisted of 750 calories per day. I remember feeling like I was starving. But I stuck with it and lost 10 lbs in one week. And I thought that was great. And there was so much I couldn't have, and so little I could. I remember eating iceberg lettuce and imitation crab legs and little else. I wouldn't last 5 minutes on a plan like that today.

That's what works with WW. Nothing is off limits. It's built so that you have enough food, but not so much that you won't lose. You have room to indulge yourself because you are given extra points for the week that you can use any way you want. And you earn points by exercising. I've said this before, but it's brilliant.

So, here's to next weigh in!!!

Busy weekend!

2008-08-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

I haven't posted in nearly a week. Sorry about that. I have been insanely busy and it sort of slipped right out of my mind.

I went to the fair again, for a total of 3 visits this year. Each one was different and each one was fun. I always have a sense of melancholy when it closes. Not that I think it should go longer, but it's sort of an end of summer thing, and I hate coming to the end of summer.

I was at the fair on Friday, went to a party on Saturday and did an event for the adoption center on Sunday. So I was quite busy this entire weekend. Didn't do so great on WW. I didn't do horribly, but I wouldn't say I've been 'on program.'

I don't feel totally lost about it, though. I didn't revert to my worst behaviors, those being buying donuts for breakfast, buying coffee instead of making it at home, buying deli food for dinner, having drive through, snacking all day long.

No, I didn't do anything like that. I just ate too much. So I'm preparing myself for a gain tomorrow. It's OK. I know what I did wrong and I know how to make it right again. It's the unexpected gain that gets me, and I hope not to see one of those again for a while.

I discontinued my membership with match.com yesterday. It has nothing to do with the fellow I've been seeing (and we're still seeing each other). It has to do with the matches they keep sending me, or that keep showing up in my searches (no matter what parameters I use for the search). I'd say a good 98% of the matches that I get are not looking for women with my body type. They don't give us that many options to describe body type, and I'm not even sure which one applies to me anyway. A few extra pounds? Curvy? BBW? All I know is that the vast majority of guys who show up in my searches are not looking for any of those types. They're almost always looking for someone who is 'athletic and toned' or 'slender.' I could never, ever be mistaken for either of those body types.

I've contacted the people at match.com several times about this issue. They seem to think it's not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal. And you can talk to me about this until you're blue in the face and you won't change the way I feel about it. Guys who are looking for a slender or toned woman are not going to want to waste their time on a large woman. And frankly, I can't blame them. I do wish more men wouldn't be so hung up on a girl's size (in the same way that I'm not; my criteria for guys is any body type; it's just not that important to me) It's not what they're looking for, and it's one of those things that isn't easy to budge on, but at least they're being up front and honest about it. Hair color isn't that huge of a deal, I'm sure, or eye color, height, etc. People make compromises. But body weight just isn't that way. Or maybe it is, for some guys, but not so many that it would be worth my while to contact all these supposed matches to find out who is willing to give me a chance.

No matter how you look at it, the odds of it being successful are slim, and I worry enough about rejection to deal with having it essentially built in to my matches.

It's OK. I don't really care very much at all, frankly. I'm seeing someone so I wasn't looking anyway, and if things don't work out I know that I'm not interested in finding someone else. I've got other things to concentrate on.

Match.com assured me that someone would be in touch with me regarding my issues. I haven't heard from anyone. So, I sent them another email and told them that if they can't see my points and find some validity in my suggestion, maybe they're not the right place for me.

Now the bad thing is that while I cancelled my membership, I'm paid up until the end of the year (no refunds after the first 3 days or something). So it's just sitting there. I'll probably check back occasionally to see if they maybe updated something so I can tailor my searches to match me better. But right now I'm not investing any more time in it than I already have.

I'd say that's about all that's going on with me lately. Oh, I've been staying up WAY too late to watch the Olympics. Drat these time zones. I've been dvr'ing some of it, but there's so much coverage and so many great events that I can see live. So right now I'm literally fighting off a nap!

How about that Michael Phelps!? Wow. My favorite sport, I think, is diving. I'm not wholly into synchronized diving. I watch it, but I think it's odd. I surely do enjoy the individual dives though. I like rowing too. Ooo, and equestrian!!!

I'm off to catch 40 winks. I'll be sure to let you know how my weigh in turns out tomorrow. No matter what, I'm going to my meeting, and I'll take my lumps.

Another day at the old state's fair

2008-08-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

I'm back to work after a very busy, fun day off. I started out by picking up a friend at the airport. He's in town to visit family (none of whom could come and get him which is how I got involved). We went out to breakfast at one of our favorite places, Beans and Barley. I had the eggs to order (over medium with whole wheat toast) and he had the egg burrito. This place is awesome. They have many vegetarian and vegan options, and a great store attached. Just a nice place all around.

So then I dropped him off. Then I went home and watched some television and took a nap (hey, days off are a thrill a minute when I'm in charge). Then my friend T and I went over to my brother's house and proceeded to go with him and my nephew to the state fair. We had a blast. My nephew is only 5 so we started out on the midway. We got him a wristband which meant he could go on anything where he was tall enough as many times as he wanted. So much fun watching him enjoy the rides. There was one, though, a kid's ride, that we adults wanted to go on, but since my nephew was afraid of it we didn't. We tried not to look to disappointed, but deep down, we really were. I think it's called a rockin'tug or something like that, it's a little ship that rocks around and goes awry. Too cute. We all went on a big ferris wheel, 2 to a car, so we would shout to each other at the points where we could see one another. It was a blast.

T and my brother went on a ride called Extreme, while my nephew and I watched. It was insane. I'm pretty sure my brother was going to barf, but managed to keep it together. They did go home for a bit of a lie down after that. While they were gone, T and I went on the tilt-a-whirl. I had read my good buddy Alabaster Mom's blog about her experience with the tilt-a-whirl, and I wasn't going to go on it. I was all about the bumper cars. But I knew that T really wanted to go on the t-a-w and I always did think it was a blast. So we went. I'd say maybe 30 more seconds on that thing and I would have lost my eggs to order. It's amazing, the spinny rides just get to me now. I don't know if it's age or if it's that I don't go on them very often. I love roller coasters and never feel sick on those. But the tilt-a-whirl? What's happened to me?

Then we went and looked at some cows. There was a petting zoo too, we looked at but didn't go into because the lines were too long. The animals, oddly enough, all looked relatively happy. Spacious areas and such. I was thrilled because there was a humongous tortoise there tooling around. It's a dream of mine to have one of those some day. I like the idea of coming home and having a tortoise roaming around the house. A couple guys walked past with a 60 pound python they held between them so I gave him a pat (the python) and that was cool.

Then we had corn. Then we had fried mushrooms. Then we met my brother and nephew and went to see the Chinese acrobats (who were INCREDIBLE) at the expo center. Of course, being in the expo center we had to look at chotchkie too. Then we got a cream puff and watched the 'ejector seat' extreme thrill ride that I decided you'd have to pay me at least $50,000 to go on. No kidding. I wouldn't do it for a penny less. Actually, looking at it today I may move that number up to $75,000. This is the one where 2 people are strapped in and literally catapulted into the air by some type of bungee cord. Yikes! I said they'd have to hose the seats down when I got off. So, we watched that for a while. Then my brother and nephew took the sky glider and T and I walked to the other end of the park. Then there were a couple more rides for my nephew, and then we split. We didn't leave the fair until like 10:30. What a day! So much fun.

I'm sorry I went through literally everything we did, but that's sort of what the fair does to me. I like to remember all the stuff I did and ate (oh, I ate some candied almonds and cashews too) because there's just so much to do and eat.

So, that was this year's trip 2 to the fair. And tomorrow? You guessed it. I'm going to the fair. I still have ride coupons left over, so maybe my mom and sister and I can go on something. Our tradition is to go on one of the spook house things, you know, with the car that goes into the dark area and stuff jumps out at you. Last year we went on that. I didn't think it could possibly have been worse than the last time we did it, but it was. Pretty much nothing happened. There was a loud noise and a buzz. And a flashing light. And somewhere a piece of string brushed across my face. And then we got spat out the other end. It reminded me of when Bart and Lisa Simpson went on something similar at a carnival. They came out and glared at the carny, who apologized. It was that bad. So maybe this year we'll go on something different. Just not the tilt-a-whirl.

pics/updates?

2008-08-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

I think maybe I need to stop being such a wuss and put some progress pictures of myself up here. I don't know. I haven't decided. As I'm sure my 2 readers have noticed, I'm not real big on the whole picture in the blog thing. I don't have a problem with pictures in a blog. I have a problem with pictures in MY blog. Or, that is, pictures of ME in my blog.

I used to love taking pictures and having my picture taken. But as the years passed I became increasingly unhappy with how I looked in any pictures that were taken of me, so I started to avoid them like the plague. There are very few pictures of me anywhere, by design.

But, maybe I need to grow a pair and just do it. It does seem to be the thing to do amongst my other WW bloggers. I mean, is losing weight really just about me, or do I want it to serve as an example, even inspiration, for others?

I do find reading their stories, seeing their pictures, finding out their numbers, to be incredibly inspiring. Am I so vain that I can't put myself out there?

I don't know what the deal about it is, but I think maybe I just need to do it.

Bless these folks, they're right out there telling their start weights and their progress, and I don't even have the cojones to do that.

Maybe I will amigos, some day. I think part of it right now is that I'm so trying to just lose, to just do the right thing, and not get hung up on numbers (because the numbers are daunting to say the least).

So, let's just say I've made the first step toward being a bit more revelatory on my blog. I've talked about it.

That's the most I can do right now.

Crazy weekend!

2008-08-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Amigos,

I had a crazy busy weekend, but fun. I didn't do the best eating wise. I didn't completely tank either, but I'm going to have to rein it in before my weigh in. Hopefully I'll be able to do that, what with the state fair and all.

But the weekend, yeah, it was nuts. One of my roommates from college was in town with her family to go to the fair. I wasn't going to go initially (I had so much other stuff to do) but the weather was just too beautiful this weekend to say no. So I met them and had a blast. I haven't seen her in about 5 years. Her children (she has 3) are all different people now. 17, 15 and 13. That was a big reality check! We did a lot of reminiscing and laughing and generally had a fantastic time. I did eat a few things at the fair. First off I had a frozen banana. It was covered with chocolate, but not disgustingly so, it was just the freezy stuff like they have on dip cones. They asked if I wanted more chocolate or nuts or any of the other goodies on it. I actually didn't want anything else on it, I just wanted the frickin banana. It was great, and being a sunny warm day it was very refreshing. I also had a cream puff. That's right, you heard me. I had a cream puff. BUT...and this is almost always the case when I have a cream puff, I actually eat the pastry part and leave the majority of the cream. I love the cream, but there's just TOO MUCH of it. So I take the top off and dip it in the cream occasionally.

I also had a turkey burger that was only so-so. I'm not 100% sure it was completely cooked so I ended up throwing away about 1/2 of it. And that was all I ate at the fair! I got a lot of activity in. I walked and walked to get from my parking space to where my friends were. I did eat too much at other times though, just not fair food. I don't know, I was super duper hungry. But today I'm being very conservative and have already gone for a 20 minute walk and will be taking another soon. I really don't want a gain this week!!! So I'm going to try my darnedest not to.

It might not be easy. There's a birthday in the family coming up this week, plus I believe I'll be attending the fair a couple more times. I can honestly say that the fair isn't a huge deal for me, food-wise. There are many foods I love, but none that I get all busted up over if I don't have. I don't need funnel cakes or elephant ears or deep fried anything. I can easily pass on deep fried cheese, although I really do love it. Just don't feel compelled to eat it. So it's not so much the fair that worries me. It's just the fact that I will be weighed on Thursday and I need to straighten up and fly right until then.

I also attended a bachelorette party of sorts for a coworker who is getting married soon. We started out at a bar in a restaurant and I was pretty surly because having a large group at a bar is not conducive to conversation and since I was the last person there I was sort of the odd one out. Plus I thought we were having dinner but we weren't so I was hungry on top of it. As the day moved forward I became less and less surly. See, these are some incredibly sweet people and there's no way I could be surly toward them. I wasn't mad at them, just surly about the situation. So soon I was yucking it up with everyone else.

From the bar we went to a piano bar that was...it was fun because I was with my friends and they're all hilarious. But I would have never chosen to go to this place. It was crowded and smoky and loud and there was nowhere to sit. As the evening wore on it just got worse. And one person in our party just got drunker and drunker and he was SO obnoxious I thought we'd get kicked out. I ended up going home after that. They were all going someplace else, but I was all in.

The piano bar was pretty funny, lots of singing along, etc. But it was loaded with bachelorette parties and young women who all dressed and looked the same and I felt old and strange there. So I was happy to leave, but I would never say I didn't have fun, because I did. We started joking about requests we'd make (they have song request forms on the table, with spaces for song title, and the occasion you're celebrating). I think my suggestion took the cake. I suggested "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." Can you imagine someone playing that in a piano bar?

So, here I am again, back at work after another too crazy weekend. I need a weekend from my weekend.

My gentleman caller and I seem to have sorted things out, and we'll be getting together tomorrow night, to do what I don't know, but I'm looking forward to it because I like him and I want to see him.

Alright amigos, (and it's true, I do have 'readers' as the comments to my previous posts can attest), I'm signing off.

Peace out!

2 posts in one day?

2008-08-01T12:56:00.001-07:00

You bet your ass! Just wanted to keep my faithful reader (Hi Mary!) in the know, that I did indeed lose this week, and I couldn't be happier. :) Thanks for the support and encouragement! Amazing how much good that can do a person.

All right WalMart, that tears it

2008-08-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought Walmart couldn't be more evil, I read this.

Another weigh in day is here

2008-07-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

Today sort of sucks. I'm tired and I don't want to be here. One of my students is seriously chapping my ass and it's more work when they come in than when they don't. My guy troubles haven't gotten significantly better, and I've been letting that get me depressed. Once I start getting depressed the pity party begins and I spiral into a pit of self-loathing.

So, yeah, it's been great.

On the upside, I may be going swimming tonight at a local park. My friend T and I went on Sunday and we had a blast. I felt like I was about 10, except I was old enough to be in the deep end without someone yelling at me. And all the young'uns were way on the other side of the pool, which is fantastic because if I thought of all the peeing and spit and boogers and poop in a public pool I'd never stop throwing up, and when you're in a less populated area of the pool, as the deep end inevitably is, there's less dross to deal with. Of course there are the local thugs who insist on trying the patience of the lifeguards and who swear like sailors. Kids today, I tell ya. But I can adjust.

So, in a way, I really hope we go. T is good for my soul. She's a very level headed person, a yin to my yang. We make very good friends indeed.

I've got some plans for the weekend, none of them involving my gentleman caller, at least yet. Argh! I should have never, never, never signed up for match.com. I should have waited until I was in a better place mentally and I could handle all the shit that goes with liking someone. How I wish I could wind the clock back and take it all and toss it and not do it. I was better off.

So, yeah, today I'm about ready to drop. I stayed up too late feeling sorry for myself and I'm paying for it today.

Hopefully my crapass state of mind won't affect my weigh in tonight. I actually did quite well this week. I believe I've mentioned this, but I put the old kibosh on all things WW coming into my house. No snack bars, no frozen meals, no frozen goodies, or chips or any of that. I did break down and get a box of giant fudge bars, which I'm limiting to one per day (which is what I always should have done, but seriously, how much is a girl supposed to change all at once?).

I was spending far too much money and wasting far too many points on stuff like that, and I finally said 'knock it off.' So I knocked it off.

I made 2 new recipes this week. One of them was so bland I could barely choke it down. I could not figure out what to do to save it. It was tricolor rotini, with spinach, ricotta and parmesan cheese, and some garlic I believe. Sounds good, doesn't it? How I wish it was. It was just BO-RING. I ate it of course, I am not one to waste food. And I really did try to doctor it up, but the blandness would not be moved.

Then yesterday I made a sort of risotto. It was a total cheater's risotto, made with orzo and a can of low fat cream of mushroom soup. Some fresh parsley and an onion thrown in there. It's OK. It's not something I'd serve to guests. Actually, I'd never serve either of these to guests. Just not good enough. But cheap, and good enough for me.

I do miss the goodies some. And I'm hard pressed to find something to take their place. But I'm trying. I bought some cereal for when the mood strikes me that I just must have something else. Strangely enough, they're bran flakes. I like bran flakes. I used to be a HUGE wheaties fan, but somewhere along the way they changed the recipe and they stopped tasting so fabulous. So I tried bran flakes and they tasted so much like wheaties that I started eating those.

No matter what it is I'm eating, it always has the possibility of a binge. Well, not everything. I don't binge on fruits or veg. It's the carbs, processed foods, chips that get me amigos. And I've come to learn that I'm better off not bringing them in my home.

I'll give you the old update when I get back from my weigh in. I'm almost positive the scale will move downward. I never would say that for sure. It's just too unpredictable. But I pretty much did everything right this week, so I'm hoping for a loss, and a righteous one at that.

Round and round we go

2008-07-30T09:54:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Once again I've got the schpilkes in my genechtegezoink. Various things are going on at this time, the majority of them having to do with the feller I've been seeing. I can blog about this because he doesn't know I have a blog, and if I ever choose to tell him about it, well...oh, it's just not going to happen, so I can write about it here.

Bottom line, I don't know what's going on. Well, let me rephrase that. I THINK I know what's going on, but my impressions are not being validated. I am pretty sure that I am grooving more on him than he is on me. Now, that's OK, I understand it, and it happens. But I wish he'd shit or get off the pot, you know? It's this ambiguity, this uncertainty that gives me the schpilkes. Sometimes I hear from him, sometimes I don't.

See, me? I'm disgustingly consistent. You call me, I'll call you back. You email me, I'll email you back. You ask a question, I answer you. If I dig you, I'm going to want to see you. And I've never been one to smother someone, either. I like my space and my independence, and I let that be known.

This guy? Not so much. Not quite so straightforward. And I don't get it.

And this isn't one of those 'he's not that into you things.' Well, wait, it could be that. But if it were that I'd rather he just left me alone than contact me, but only some of the time. You know?

And I don't really know him well enough to call him on the carpet for it. Seriously. I don't know what kind of person he is, if this is his normal way of doing things or what. I just don't know. And I don't want to give HIM the schpilkes by making it seem that it's a big deal to me. I guess maybe it IS a big deal to me, but it's a big deal between me and me, not me and him. I can't make him change, I can't expect things of him.

I just wish we were more synched up.

There was an episode of Sex and the City once where the girls were wondering where all the guys went who they never heard from again. Miranda, I think, said that she likes to pretend they died. I don't think I can do that, but it is damned funny. What gets me is that they pretty much do go back out there and find someone, just that I'm never that one. Like this guy. He's probably interested in dating, he's just not interested in dating ME. And I don't quite know how to change that, or if I should. I don't know what to do at all, because no matter what I do it never seems to work out.

I talked with my therapist about this extensively last week. It was interesting because he was pointing out things that I had never considered. It's complicated so I won't go into it. Just allow me to say that I have a very wise therapist, and thank goodness for that. I can't burden my poor friends with my neuroses. At least my therapist is being paid to listen to me.

Before you go and say that I'm complicating things, allow me to say this much. What you're reading is all internal dialog, my internal workings, that sort of thing. I remain calm, cool and collected as far as the fella is concerned. I'm usually that way in most situations. It's not even that I'm keeping something inside. It BELONGS inside. I just had to somehow let some of it out, to possibly, in some small way, help with my anxiety.

Sadly, it hasn't helped much. But I'm going to publish this anyway. I don't even know if any of it makes sense.

Let me tell you this much. If you're not single and looking, consider yourself lucky. It's a jungle out there.

Concert Update!

2008-07-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to tell you how AWESOME the Police were, better than I could have ever hoped. Honestly, I could go on and on. They played EVERYTHING you'd ever want to hear, they did 2 encores, they played their hearts out, Sting gave props to Andy and Stewart, the crowd was fantastic, the sound unbelievable. It was SO worth what we paid for the tickets. I'm not a big venue person, but this was a wonderful, incredible, one of a kind show and I couldn't be happier about it.

The Police were my entire world for a good chunk of high school and beginning of college. I had every album (vinyl, of course, CDs weren't invented yet), knew every word of every song, saw their videos regularly on this Music Television that had just started up (if only kids today knew how awesome it was in the beginning). They were, and remain, da bomb!

THE POLICE RULE!

Down it is

2008-07-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

Hola Amigos,

Got weighed in yesterday, and I'm down, which is great. I'm incredibly relieved. My week started out pretty rough so I was trying to make up for it but sometimes your bod doesn't appreciate being run through the ringer like that. But, it rewarded me handsomely.

I've been spending money I don't have on new clothes. Not a ton, of course, because I'll probably have to do this regularly now that I'm in the groove. But I found some really cute tops at Boston Store yesterday and bought them, all on sale and good bargains too. I'm about 2 sizes away from being out of plus sized clothes (approximately; as I'm sure you realize, sizes are not particularly consistent from store to store), which almost doesn't seem possible but it's true.

I've got an interesting weekend planned. Tonight I'm going to see The Police at the Amphitheatre. All I can say is they better raise the roof because the tickets that my friend purchased are $30 more than what we (me and my friends) thought they were going to be.

Tomorrow I have a haircut, and I'm very excited about that because my hair's been chapping my ass lately (figuratively speaking; I don't have a hairy ass).

Then Sunday I'm the lead for an adoption center event we're having. So I've got something going on each day this weekend.

How are things on the 'date' end you ask? Good, actually. I went out with him again last night and we had a blast, talking, laughing and singing. Yeah, singing. We'd start a song and see if the other knew it. 99.9% of the time we did, and then we'd sing it together while taking a stroll to downtown Wauwatosa.

I like walking amigos, I do. But this was a humid night, and I was wearing a pair of Doc Marten sandals, which while quite functional do not do the greatest on long walks. So by the time we were through I was a sweaty mess with blisters on the soles of each foot. The thing is, I didn't realize it would be a problem until we were pretty far gone. He likes walking, this one.

We went out for pizza and discovered that not only do we both like anchovies, we also both like green olives. So, you guessed it, we had an anchovy and green olive pizza. Don't knock it til you try it amigos, it was DELICIOUS. And the nice thing is, I didn't overeat, and even though it was a fattier meal, what with the cheese and all, I walked for about seven thousand hours after, so I figure it's all equal.

That's the most I'm going to tell you about him. It's way, way too early to start blogging about him. I can say this though, he cracks me up. I'm a cheap laugh, of course.

LDL Blues

2008-07-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

So, I had my physical on Friday. I thought my doctor was going to plotz when he found out about my weight loss. His assistant was high fiving me, and when doc came into the examination room he wandered around a bit saying that he could hear me but couldn't see me. :) He's a funny guy, my doc.

So, I'm healthy except for one big but. My LDL cholesterol is too high. I didn't even remotely think my cholesterol would be an issue because I've been eating so much better and have lost so much weight. But, alas, I was wrong. Now, I can't say this for certain, but I'm pretty sure part of the problem is the WW and Lean Cuisine frozen meals I eat at every opportunity. I have tons of fresh fruit and veg in my diet, but those entrees man, so easy to heat up, and they taste so good. And they're loaded with preservatives. And the WW treats, well, I've probably been eating way too many of those too. I'm not blaming WW. I was taking an easy way for now, and while it's helped with my weight loss it's obviously taken its toll on my insides.

I had never planned to make the treats and frozen dinners a permanent part of this program. What it did was make the transition to the WW way of living easier on me. I could heat up a good tasting dinner, and have a couple of sweets or ice creams and would still be on the program. But, my body is telling me to move on, so I will.

Tonight when I get home I'm going to make a whole new grocery list. Nothing is going to be so earth shattering, but I'm afraid I've got to give the dinners and frozens the old heave-ho.

Sorry guys, but we knew this day would come.

I ate too much this weekend. I had a 'binge' mentality going on and overate all the bad things I discussed above. It will probably show up on my weigh in, but I'll be prepared. It was silly and I didn't have to do it, but my old habits started rearing up and I fed them. I'm definitely regretting it today, but do not see a reason to continue it. If I do I will no doubt end up exactly where I started or worse.

It's weird that even with the success as I've been having my grasp is as tenuous as it ever was. The cravings, the sensations and the desire to overeat are all there. It's a battle that I have to fight every day amigos. I'll never be safe. I don't get discouraged when I say that. It just means that I must remain diligent. Be on my toes and pay attention to what I'm doing and eating, and stopping myself before it starts. So I don't mind when I say it's a lifelong battle. It just gives me that much more of a reason to stick with it, because I know darned good and well what will happen to me if I don't.

So, my diet is going to be changing over the next few weeks. I am going to be retested in 3 months, and dagnabbit I'm going to bring that number down. I do not want to be on medication for my cholesterol!!!

It was nice to have the day off on Friday. I sort of lollygagged after my physical. I took a nap in there somewhere, did some other stuff. Saturday was my adoption center day. And then I went to the gym for a swim and hot tub extravaganza. I did great on the swim. I've never taken lessons so I just sort of flail my way back and forth from one end to the other, but my heart rate gets going. And after spending four hours with John Q Public nothing feels quite so wonderful as a long soak in a hot tub. So worth it.

So, here I am, back at my job struggling to stay awake and trying very hard not to think about food too much. I'll keep you all posted on my progress with the cholesterol.

Let's get physical!

2008-07-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Wait, I meant, let's get A physical!

I'm going in for a somewhat overdue complete physical exam this coming Friday, complete with fasting for a cholesterol test (drat!). I'm very curious about what's going to go down at this physical. First, I think my doctor will plotz when he sees how much weight I've lost. I saw the man in January, before WW, and I was not in very good shape. Second, I'm anxious to see what my numbers are going to be, that is, cholesterol, blood pressure and such. My last exam they were pretty good, actually, but I'd been eating quite well for the months beforehand so I wasn't surprised.

I think these numbers will probably be good too, but I also eat a lot of WW frozen dinners and while the majority of my diet is very simple (and quite often raw), WW meals, while tasty and easy, are loaded with preservatives and such. They're just so darned good. So I'm hoping that the bowl of oatmeal and the 3 pieces of fruit and 2 salads that I eat every day are doing the job of moving any of that cholesterol right out. We'll see.

Unfortunately I have to have a separate girly exam (anything abnormal at any point and my GP wants me to see a specialist, which I realize is in my best interest but...I just don't wanna) which I won't need until November, so it's not going to be a one-stop-shopping physical.

So I'm thinking I'll have a blood test, possibly a chest x-ray, and EKG and the general poking and prodding and listening that goes along with it.

When I was younger I had a fear of doctors. I had a couple traumatic things happen when I was a kid (dog bite, and a horrible case of the flu, out of school for a week), and my parents were never ones to visit doctors. I could have been bleeding out of my eyes and they'd try and cure me at home. It was a combination of things that made me phobic.

But with my years has come a nonchalance about doctor's visits. I just don't care. I can take any exam and it just doesn't bother me. I've had interns be a part of my yearly exams. I don't care. I can discuss almost anything without embarrassment. I have no anxiety about my yearly mammograms. A colonoscopy is no big deal. I don't worry about not shaving my legs (although I try very hard to remember to do it).

Being a somewhat shy person, it is a bit shocking that this is my take on medicine, but it is. It's not like I wear sleazy outfits in my regular life or anything, but if my doctor needs to see some part of me that isn't normally exposed? I couldn't care less. I don't get 'white coat' syndrome and I manage to stay cool as a cucumber.

The only thing that ever caused me anxiety was stepping on the scale. You know the scale, the doctor's scale, with the slidy thing. Over the years I watched as the slidy thing crept up and up, and my doctors became more and more concerned.

I have a very resilient body and managed to remain surprisingly healthy in spite of my weight (no diabetes, that sort of thing). But it's not good to be so large and I knew, as did my doctors, that I was living on borrowed time. It will catch up with me.

This is the first time in a long, long, incredibly long time that I'm actually looking forward to stepping on the scale. Actually, I don't know if I've ever looked forward to it.

I'll let you know how things go. The great thing about my clinic is that I can get my test results through an online program they have. I can email my doctor, I can set up appointments, all that good stuff. So I'll have plenty of access to my results, and quickly too. Of course a lot of it is Greek to me, but I know the important stuff.

How weird is it to look forward to your physical!?

Monday, Monday...

2008-07-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful reader. Here's an update for ya. As of my last weigh in on Thursday, I've lost 51 pounds. I got a new thingy for my keychain, a refrigerator magnet and a round of applause from my WW group. I will admit, it feels pretty dang good. My knees don't creak anymore, that's a biggie, I'm getting around easier, my clothes aren't too tight, I can actually fit in clothes that I never could before.

I'm quite pleased all around! I have decided from this point forward I will simply tell you if I've gained (God forbid), lost or stayed the same. I can't make this about numbers anymore, I'll get buried by them. No, this is going to be about progress. This is going to be about adopting a new lifestyle.

I had a pretty good weekend. The weather was gorgeous, couldn't have been nicer, with some late night/early morning thunderstorms thrown in the mix to make things interesting.

I'm still not going to commit anything to this blog about my date. Sorry amigos, but after the last time, when I essentially laid it all out there and then **poof** a month later he's gone, I just can't do that again. I'm a superstitious lass and I don't want to tempt fate. And I guess maybe I want to keep that to myself? To a certain extent. I mean, it's not like I haven't told anyone! Just don't want to put it here just yet.

This weekend I had a big NSV as my WW board calls it, NSV being non-scale victory. I went to Kohl's on Saturday and actually tried on clothes off the rack that weren't necessarily the largest size they had. THAT is a huge victory. I almost couldn't believe it was happening. I only ended up buying one thing, but the reason I didn't get anything else wasn't because it didn't fit, it just didn't look good.

That was a weird, wonderful feeling. I don't think I'd realized how much I depended on mail-order for my clothes. I wasn't buying things from omarthetentmaker.com or anything like that, I could shop normal venues like Eddie Bauer. But their stores don't stock a lot of the plus size merchandise so I had nowhere else to turn. But now, I don't have to worry about that, or so it would seem.

I guess that was about the biggest NSV I've had so far. I never knew how much that would mean to me. I felt normal.

I'm nervous

2008-07-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

That's right amigos, I'm nervous. Just a nervous Nellie. You wouldn't know by looking at me, I can keep quite a calm exterior. But inside I've got a conga line having the time of their lives.

First of all, I am weighing in today. I'm nervous about that for a few reasons. I had a weird week. An on program week, but a weird week. So I don't really know if I'll register a loss or not. If you asked me if I felt like I lost weight, well, yes, I assuredly do feel like I lost weight. But in the world of weight loss, that doesn't amount to a hill of beans, it's the scale that rules the roost. So until I step my size nines up there I won't be settled.

I did eat too much on the fourth, and I didn't make good choices over the weekend. On the plus side, I have been moving more and drinking all my water.

I'm worried about not losing because, once again I have a couple of milestones. I'm 2 lbs away from losing 50, which is a biggie. And I'm 1 pound away from another personal milestone. The last time I failed to meet my expectations I suffered a setback. It wasn't huge, and I got right back on the horse, but I don't want to go through that again. Luckily I'm in a better place mentally than I was then, so I don't think I'd take a nosedive if the scale doesn't show me what I want. But I would be disappointed. How I wish it was 5:30 already!!!

I've got another thing giving me the schpilkes in my genechtegezoid. I have date number 2 tonight. And when I say date number 2 I don't just mean my second date this week, I mean my second date with the same person. This is new territory for me. Maybe not new, just not travelled in a very long time. A very long time.

Sorry amigos, but I must keep the deets to myself. In time I'll fill you in, I just need to figure out where I'm going before I jump in with many details.

Tonight will be dinner, and I'm having a minor attack trying to figure out where to go. Not that it's up to me, but we're meeting more in my neck of the woods so it makes sense that I'd be more familiar with what's around. I have a couple of ideas, but nothing I'm 100% sold on.

Oh, and today they shampooed the carpet here. I've been inhaling sickeningly floral fumes all day and I think I might barf.

But on the plus side, if I barf my weigh in might be better.

Happy Belated Independence Day!

2008-07-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Here's a little update for you. I've currently lost 48 pounds! I may tell you when I hit 50, and then I'm going to keep the numbers to myself. I'll just tell you if I'm up, down or stay the same. I just don't want to concentrate on numbers so much. And I'm very concerned that I'll obsess over how far I have to go, and the less I do that the better.

I was hoping to hit 50 this week. I don't know, though. I sort of went a bit haywire on July 4th. We were celebrating the 4th and my nephew's birthday because he's not going to be here for the actual day (which I believe is today!). So there was some cake to be had, and I thawed out a rhubarb pie I'd made a couple weeks ago, and I just had to have some of that. And we roasted a couple marshmallows, and my mom made a really good potato salad.

And I went to 2 baseball games, and had some in the shell peanuts. And some licorice.

So, yeah. If I lost this week, I don't deserve to!

However, I didn't use that as an excuse to blow the rest of the week. No sir. I'm a bit off schedule, I'll admit, but that's mostly because I haven't gone grocery shopping and am having to improvise. So I'm sort of culling these weird meals together.

I'm getting new glasses today. I'm sure that's not very thrilling to hear but I'm totally psyched about it because they're adorable.

OK, I just didn't want you to think I forgot about you, so there's a quick update.

One more thing, I did have a date last night. However, in an effort not to jinx it, I'm not going to talk about it. If something develops, maybe I'll fill you in. I'll just let you know that I had a very nice time.

this bugs me

2008-07-02T13:50:00.001-07:00

I tried this post like 3 times today, just can't get it off the ground. But this incident irked me enough that I think this time it might work.

I read a profile in match.com where the guy said, and I quote "If you are more than 5 or 10 pounds overweight, don't contact me."

So, yeah, this guy's a prize.

Before you go saying this or that about how we all have criteria like that, etc., don't sweat it, because I agree with you. The difference is, I don't go around TELLING people that, and putting it on a public profile for everyone to see. There are places for you to put your criteria that should weed out the folks that don't match up with what you're looking for that will spare people from knowing what they are. And if you're so concerned that there are fat women out there yanking your chain, you need to have a little more faith in people. Or enough self awareness to realize that any woman in their right mind, fat or otherwise, wouldn't give you the time of day if you are willing to let 5 pounds (5 lousy pounds) make or break a deal.

It's a sensitive subject with me, I'll admit. But usually in the whole dating scene it doesn't bug me much. What bugs me is how this guy ended up in one of my searches in the first place. Nothing breaks a deal for someone like weight does. You lie a little bit about your age? No biggie. Or your hair color? Or height? Meh. But to deceive someone regarding your weight, well.

This fellow has every right to go for what he wants. But it's a pretty darned off-putting thing to say. So if some lucky gal manages to start a relationship with this guy, what, does he dump her if they go on vacation and she packs on a few pounds? There's not much room for error with this guy.

I don't know amigos, it just got to me. But I'm not perfect either. I've got several things, some quirky likes and dislikes, that I could probably put down there. Like mustaches. I'm not a fan. But I'm not going to say "If you have a mustache, don't contact me." I mean, come on, I'm here to meet people. My profile should be nice and positive, and not dwell on what I don't want, but on what I do.

But, I've always been a glass half full kind of girl.

I don't know, I think I sort of jumped the track here. It just bugged me to see that, something so negative, and something that could be so potentially hurtful to women. We have enough problems with our body image and society that we don't need this dickweed adding to it.

I'm just sayin.

Da latest

2008-07-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

There's a little something I've kept from you, and seeing as how that's really not my style I figure it's time I 'fessed up.

I set up a personal on match.com. Yes, I did. I didn't do this out of desperation or anything. I did this out of boredom and laziness. I'm bored being single and I'm too lazy to do any of the traditional things people do to meet other people. I do enough on my own and I'm not meeting anyone, so I figured why add more to my schedule when the chances are I wouldn't meet anyone THERE either. So, yeah.

My profile is a truthful description of who I am with a relatively recent photo of myself included. Actually, it's more than relatively recent. It's like 2 weeks old. So they're seeing the real me. It's not a full body shot or anything, I'm so not ready for one of those, but they get the picture.

So, it's been 2, maybe 3 weeks. Have I been successful, you ask? In a word, nah. Not really. I'm not sure if it's me, or them, or whatever, but there's just not a whole lot going on. I perform searches, and I get matches, etc., but nothing too thrilling. Or, I contact someone and then never hear back. It's not a huge deal, but I did pay for the flipping thing so I wouldn't mind getting something for my buck. I'm keeping very close tabs on the guarantee. They give you 6 months for free if you do not make a successful match in the first 6 months. Of course I'd rather have my money back but you take what you can get. There are a few things I have to fulfill to be eligible for the guarantee. One is I have to have a photo up. Check. The next is I have to have a 'live' profile, as in, people can access it. Check. The third is I have to email at least 5 members every month. I'm up to 4. I figure I can do 5 before my month is up (they do it based on when you sign up, so I have some time).

I think if I'm not successful after 3 months, I will consider it a challenge to remain unsuccessful for the last 3, just to see if I can squeeze 6 free months out of them. We shall see.

J, my former feller of past posts (who would probably kill me if he knew I told people this but I don't particularly care and I know good and well he'll never check this blog and I'm assuming by this time he's forgotten I ever existed), had very bad luck with an online dating service. He ended up getting his money back after 12 months. I know. That should have been a clue, but I figured they must have missed something about him. Of course I found out later that in fact they DIDN'T miss anything about him and that he just happens to be a jerk.

I like to think I'm not a jerk, just misunderstood. Or unattractive. Or something, hell, I don't know what, but I sure can drive the men away!

There's been one person I've emailed back and forth with. He seems like a nice guy. Today over lunch we had an IM conversation, and set up some time to talk on the phone later this week. I'm not getting my hopes up, mostly because I am one unlucky girl.

Yeah, never had much luck in the whole thing, for a variety of reasons, none of which I will tell you about right now. Too boring or stupid. Besides, when it comes right down to it, I really don't know why things have turned out the way they have. I've done what people have said would work. "Don't look. You'll find him when you're not looking." "Put yourself out there! He can't find you if you're not out there!" (Does anyone else notice that these 2 pieces of advice contradict each other?). "Join a club/church." "Ask your friends to fix you up." And on and on.

My luck wasn't particularly good when I was at a lower weight either. It's never been good. I guess I'm just not what the fellers are looking for. I have had some loves in my life, so I know that it can work. But I haven't tried this online thing so that remains to be seen.

So, I have a phone date later this week. I'm not really holding out hope that it's going to happen to begin with. You wouldn't either if you were me! But if it does, well, great. I'll let you know.

Not much else going on amigos. I'm just incredibly happy that this is a 4 day work week! Happy 4th!

Show me the numbers!

2008-06-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

Isn't that what Jerry Lewis used to say when they'd reveal the current total for the MD telethon? Well, I've got a new number for you.

Down 45.4 as of last night! Feeling pretty good too. This feels like quite an accomplishment, moreso than usual. Hitting 45 seems more significant to me than any other number I've surpassed so far. And just think, I'm less than 5 pounds away from 50!

On the flip side (and I'm trying VERY hard not to dwell), I've got a longass haul in front of me.

Also, as I lose more weight, I'm becoming more uneasy about people knowing exactly how much I weighed when I started. I mean, I'm thinking they can take a pretty darned good guess.

To be sure, I carry my weight quite well. Even my doctor couldn't believe my weight when I stepped on the scale. I assure you, I weigh more than you think I do.

So the more I lose, and the more I tell people, the more they'll start thinking "Jeez, she must have been enormous" and that sort of makes me self-conscious. Actually, losing weight kind of makes me self-conscious to begin with. People start noticing and mentioning it, and that's a double edged sword. Happy for the encouragement, not happy for the attention. Ah, it's a strange thing, being heavy. You hate it, but it's a security blanket. As the layers come away you get more vulnerable.

So, as of yesterday I've been on the program 4 1/2 months. I'm losing on average 2.6 pounds a week. When I put it in those terms it seems pretty darned rapid! But it's still an acceptable range, and when you're as big as I am it sort of flies off in the beginning.

I can do this. I feel good about all of it. I don't feel deprived, I still treat myself occasionally. I'm moving more. Yeah, all in all things are good.

Monday, yeah

2008-06-23T12:14:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

And another too fast weekend is over. Do I say that every week?

Saturday I staffed the adoption center for 4 hours. It was extremely busy and I had tons of volunteers, but I have to tell you it was the longest 4 hours ever. Then I stayed after awaiting a delivery from Sears which never showed up. Oh, wait, I take that back. They showed up at 6:30 p.m., and called our director to yell at her that there was no one there. She politely reminded him that our delivery time (which was originally from noon to 2) was from 3 to 5, and that we (meaning me) had called to reschedule. So they were yelling at us for not being there, when they arrived an hour and a half late (with no call or any type of communication). It was great.

ANYway, it was quite a weekend.

Yesterday I did all sorts of junk around the house. Just piddly stuff but I managed to tidy everything up. Then I met Therese at the club and we went swimming. After about 20 minutes we were the only people in the entire pool area. So then we just started goofing around about how it was our pool (with a lap pool conveniently located right next door, because there are 2 pools there) and whirlpool, and it was generally quite fun. I got in a good workout too. Honestly, having that membership is worth it just for the fact that I can go swimmng whenever I want.

Then after that I ran home and heard from my mother so we went out to dinner. I had an interesting, if not very good, salad. It was some raspberry concoction. I'm not a huge raspberry fan (hate the seeds) but it was about all they had that was WW friendly. It also had mandarin oranges on it. Not a fan of those either. I'd say the best part of it was the hard roll that came with it. The raspberry dressing itself was sort of pinkish-brown and just as unappealing as I'm making it sound. The flavor was OK, but no fun to look at.

Honestly, sometimes it's tough going out to eat. I was at Champp's for a meeting last week (obviously not my idea) and everything there had meat. I ended up ordering a Cobb salad and had them hold the bacon and chicken and various other things. It was a substantial salad, and quite good but what killed me was I had planned this visit so carefully. I went to their website, took a look at their menu and had everything decided (aside: read the fine print; all the nutrition info for their salads are w/o dressing!!!!). I was going to order some southern salad number. So I get there, open the menu--completely different. I think I did alright, but when I got home I had to wrack my brain trying to remember everything on the dang salad!

I still have some of these residual bad habits that I'm working on. I did have another WW ice cream novelty debacle on Friday, where I polished off what I had in the house.

Undaunted I bought some more when I went to the grocery store last night. I did make a change though. I bought the one point fudge bars (as opposed to the 2 point cookies and cream bars) and I got a package of skinny cow mint ice cream sandwiches. I know, I had a run in with skinny cow a few weeks ago. But I bought the one that I'm least likely to binge on (for whatever reason I can seem to keep my mint consumption in check), and I'm going to see how it goes. I mean, I have to learn how to live in the real world. And honestly, into each life some frozen novelties must fall, so I'm conditioning myself to deal with it.

All in all I'm very happy with my progress amigos. There's just one thing, and it's a pretty big thing. That one thing is trying to keep myself from getting discouraged. I've got a long way to go (something to the tune of 140 lbs) and it's daunting. It's so daunting that I can't even let myself think about it.

You'd better strap in folks, it's going to be a very long ride.

results

2008-06-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

So, as of yesterday's weigh in I'm down 43.2 lbs! Wow! I'm very, very happy. I blew past 40 and I hit a personal milestone I'd set for myself, so all is well in my world.

Just had to come in and share with you!

I have no words of wisdom or stories or anything today. I have a lot on my mind, nothing bad, but just nothing interesting enough to share, really.

OH, except one thing. I heard back from Fugazi! Remember, a couple days ago (or was it last week?) I emailed them and told them about appearing in the June Milwaukee Magazine as one of the top 10 concerts in Milwaukee history? Well, GUY WROTE BACK! Guy is the guy in the orange shirt, if you look over to the right and up a bit). I was, and am, just thrilled. Such a nice thing to do, and such a nice guy. Thanked me for sending it and for the support even after all these years. I am touched. I hope to be able to actually send them a copy of the magazine, but as of yet I haven't been able to get a hold of a copy.

Isn't that crazy? I mean, you all know how I feel about Fugazi, and then to actually hear back, and have it be Guy on top of it? I was floating!

This is a long, long day. Unfortunately tomorrow is my 4 hour shift at the adoption center. I'd rather drink bleach. Not because of the pets of course, but because of the public! Blech!

I'm weird

2008-06-16T09:49:00.001-07:00

Really, I am. I'm mostly normal, but I'm pretty weird too. I'm ok with it, I embrace my weirdness. Everyone, really, is pretty weird. We all have our own quirks and idiosyncracies. Here are some of mine.

I hate the sight/sound of television in the morning. The only sound I can handle in the morning is NPR while I'm waking up, and music of MY choosing later. Or silence.

I never listen to the radio except NPR. This has been the case for years and years. I gave up on conventional radio in the early 90s. Occasionally (usually because I've forgotten a cd or my iPod) I'll try one of the local independent stations. Other than that, silence is preferred.

I don't mind the sound of a hair dryer if I'm the one using it. If it's the sound of someone else's hair dryer it puts knots in my stomach.

I talk to my plants.

I talk to myself.

I'd list talking to my pets, but that's not weird, that's normal.

I don't like ice in my drinks because I can't stand the feeling of a sweaty glass. Thusly I haven't filled my ice trays in years.

I leave cabinet doors open.

I vacuum, THEN dust. This isn't necessarily weird, but I know there are 2 camps.

I brush my teeth immediately after getting out of bed. I cannot get in the shower if I haven't brushed my teeth. Go ahead. Try and make me.

I have several obsessive/compulsive habits, some fueled by superstition, some just OCD.

If I spill salt I automatically take some and throw it over my left shoulder.

If I'm walking side by side with someone and we 'split a pole' (where someone walks on one side of the pole and I walk on the other) I say 'bread and butter.' I don't even know what the superstition is.

Whenever I drop a spoon I look to see what direction it's pointing because my mom always said that if you drop a spoon you've got company coming over.

I can't let paper money sit without putting the bills in order and facing the same direction (larger bills in back, smaller in front). Change isn't really safe around me either.

I won't look at my cards in any card game until all other players have looked at theirs. The only exception is if I'm a dealer, but usually everyone has already looked at their cards by the time I'm done so it's almost a moot point.

I'm habitually scatterbrained when it comes to keys, ids, credit cards. My friend John was with me once when I was getting ready to leave for work. While in the process of gathering up my ides, keys, lunch bag, etc., John asked me "How do you manage to get dressed in the morning?" In my family this type of behavior is referred to as 'Pulling a Leslie.'

I time myself when I'm brushing my teeth. 30 seconds per quadrant.

I'm a very slow reader. My comprehension is excellent, I always tested high on standardized tests, I took accelerated English classes in high school. But reading a book is slow going for me.

I love geometry and algebra. I am also a huge fan of origami because I love folding things. I also love putting stickers on things.

I read the Sunday paper in the exact same order all the time. If I'm reading someone else's Sunday paper I become belligerant if someone disrupts this pattern. Maybe not belligerant. But I am quite put out.

I will open the windows of my house, even in the dead of winter, just to get some fresh air moving around. My thermostat is never higher than 65 in the winter. Summer is a different story. I am a firm believer in 'it's not the heat, it's the humidity.'

So, that's just some of my weird little things. I'll write more some other time. I'm full of 'em.

Random weekend stuff

2008-06-16T07:23:00.001-07:00

Hey Amigos,

Another too fast but very productive weekend.

Saturday was a reunion picnic for the adoption center. It's held at the runway dog park. I actually had a great time, but didn't put enough sunscreen on my nose so it's a little pink, as are random parts of my forehead.

It's SO much fun seeing that many dogs just playing and running around. There were all shapes and sizes. The littlest one was Shelby. She's the size of a male guinea pig, but was out there with the rest of them! The biggest was...well somebody came in with a St. Bernard but he wasn't one of ours. The biggest one of ours was probably Sherman, a weimaraner. It was so nice to see everyone and just sit out and enjoy a nice sunny day.

Afterward Therese and I went to the WAC and I did some swimming. I don't really 'swim' since I was never really taught the proper technique. I kind of do a combination breast stroke and freestyle from one end to the other. No matter what I'm breathing hard. About 1/2 way through my laps the lights went out. We kept swimming until it started to feel creepy, but I got a good workout in.

Then I went home and watched 2 movies that I got from Netflix. Well, I watched enough of them to know I didn't like them, then fast forwarded through them so I'd know what happens. The first was Timber Falls, and I don't even want to talk about it, it was so bad. I was hoping it would be scary but it was just horrid. The second was Funny Games, and I became so annoyed that I started fast forwarding about 30 minutes in. I almost wish I hadn't done that.

Funny Games is a home-invasion suspense/horror/torture porn flick and not worth my time. It was stylistic but completely pointless. I don't have a problem with home invasion type stories. I mean, A Clockwork Orange is one of the greatest films ever. But this Funny Games wasn't even in the same stratosphere as anything by Kubrick. The director isn't worthy to shine Kubrick's shoes.

I was honestly hoping to be scared, but in the end I was just peeved that I'd wasted my time and Netflix on them.

Yesterday was a productive day for me. Since my depression has lifted I felt like tidying up around the house. I did a bunch of laundry, vacuumed, did some yard work, sorted through some old books and cds, through out some stuff I didn't need.

It was father's day, but since my father passed away I didn't have any plans for that. My dad was never big on father's day. The happiest I remember him being on Father's day was the time he got a free breakfast sandwich at McDonald's. The man loved a bargain. Since he was never really all that thrilled with it (in the same way he didn't care much about his own birthday, and especially father's day because I think he thought it was just a put on by the greeting card companies) I don't have any sentimental attachments to father's day per se, but it does sort of stink when it rolls around and he's not there. It doesn't necessarily make me miss him more, because honestly, I don't think I'm capable of missing him more than I already do. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and he's been gone nine and a half years. I'm very lucky, because he and I had a good thing going. Actually, I talked to him the day before he died. I had applied for a job someplace else; I knew it was a good job but I couldn't afford to take it, and he knew that too. His last words to me were "Don't do anything stupid."

So, that was my weekend. It was pretty good except for the two heinous movies!

Last week never happened

2008-06-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Here's the poop. I did have a gain this week, and it was the exact same amount that I had lost the previous week. In my world, that means this past week never happened. Trust me. It's better this way. I do feel rejuvenated, renewed. I feel much better about things, and I feel positive about my eating again. I WILL have a loss next week. That is the deal I've made with myself, and it's going to happen. I also got a token for completing 16 weeks on weight watchers. That's right amigos. 4 months! I've been 4 months on program, and I feel fine.

Today's been a good day so far. I've been having fun with my students (boss isn't here), getting stuff done. Oh, something funny. As I've mentioned many times, I love the band Fugazi. They're my favorite above all others. And I've always had a bit of a thing for the guys in the band. All of them. They're all very nice, vegetarians or vegans, environmentally conscious, intelligent, no drugs. And they're all, in their own quirky ways, terrific looking. Ian's got the cool, bald punk look I love. Guy has the swarthy, French-Italian look I love. Joe is smaller and quiet, and adorable. And Brendan is the drummer. 'Nuff said.

I found out today that Ian and his girlfriend Amy Farina (equally talented, they perform as The Evens; saw them last year and they were terrific) just had a baby. So now all members of the band are dads and essentially that means the 'hiatus' that Fugazi was on is pretty much a permanent thing. That's me talking, not them; for all I know they're planning on taking everyone on the road some day.

But, they probably won't, and I really miss what they all were together.

They're incredibly talented on their own, of course, and are still working and recording, just doing different things. So I have that. But Fugazi as a band? They cannot be beat.

Anyway, the boys have been on my mind lately. Here's a bit from a recent article in Milwaukee Magazine.

From the article “Rock of Ages” by Jon Gilbertson, described as follows: “We searched our memory banks, checked with experts and picked the greatest concerts in Milwaukee history. Let the arguments begin.”

They’ve listed 10 shows, including the Nirvana show at the Unicorn in 1990 (I wasn’t there), U2 at the Palms in 1981 (I wasn’t there either), Bruce Springsteen in 1975. That sort of thing.

And they included the following:

Fugazi: The Rave, November 12, 1998

The punk rock legends gave fans value for money (this show cost less than two beers at the venue’s bar) and go for broke power. “They were commanding the audience,” says Davey von Bohlen, whose band at the time, the Promise Ring, was an opening act. “The vibe was overwhelming.”

I was at that show. They're right. It was one of the best show experiences that I've ever had. Top 5 people, and I've seen The Police (in 1984) and The Pixies. They opened with one of my favorite Guy songs EVER.

It's a brilliant song:

You should pay rent in my mind
Say like the French say,
"Bon soir, regret;
A demain, a demain"
Do you like me?
I guess.

I love you boys, I really do. You all changed my life.

2008-06-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hey Amigos,

I've been silent this week. I've got the blues BAD. It all started with my bad meeting last week. Mostly my weigh in was bad, but the meeting wasn't so hot either because the loudmouthed triplets paid us all a visit.

On the upside, I've made a decision that if they are at my meeting tonight (they aren't at every meeting usually, but have been regulars for the last 3) I will be switching to 5:30 on Thursdays so as to avoid them. So that's a positive.

My week with food has not been so positive. I think I may have mentioned my Skinny Cow debacle. And I just haven't been eating right. And I haven't been moving much. And I haven't been tracking my points.

See, when I get depressed I just don't feel like doing anything. It's not like I've been eating really terribly, I just fall into some bad habits. Like skipping breakfast and lunch, eating too much at dinner, that sort of thing. On the plus side here, I haven't completely lost it either. If I had I would be at home eating take out and chips and such, and I haven't been doing that at all. I had a couple minor splurgy things from Outpost, but mostly I've just been eating too much at the wrong times.

So I've prepared myself for a gain tonight (and I'm not being defeatist, I'm just being realistic). But it's OK. I haven't lost hope and I haven't abandoned the program. I've just had a rough week.

I think maybe I need to tell you a little about my depression. I've got full on bona fide clinical depression. I was diagnosed probably 15 or 20 years ago. I've never been hospitalized or had any serious issues with it, and it's under control so you never have to worry about me amigos, I'm alright. But sometimes it rears its ugly head and I just feel buried. That's how this week has been. It's almost as if I'm walking around with weights on me that I can't get out from under. And my thoughts are consistently negative and I can't stop them. It feels like I'm followed by a cloud. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything at home, I just want to sleep and be quiet. I can function, I go into work, talk with friends, etc. But it's a struggle.

Thankfully I think I'm on my way out of this.

Some members of my family are very sympathetic about it. Some seem to delight in telling me to 'snap out of it.'

Snap out if it! Why didn't I think of that? I'll just do that right now! **snap** OK, all better!

Jesus, what are they thinking. If I could snap out of it, I would. I'd never choose to feel this way, and if there was a simple solution you can bet your ass I'd take it. Honestly, they just don't get it.

Mental illness is no laughing matter, but we do sort of have a running family joke about my mother's side of the family. My dad's side, they're just smart and stubborn. But my mother's, well, where do I begin. Alcoholism, depression, schizophrenia, suicide.

Now I can talk objectively about my cousins because I have 33 of them and am not close with any of them. Actually, there's a whole faction of them that I've never even met. That's just geography talking. They've lived all over the country (and world) and the only time I ever saw a good number of them was at my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary, and I was 10 years old. I saw a few at some funerals, but for the most part we just don't interact.

Anyway, I've got some loopy cousins. I've had 2 first cousins commit suicide, both by firearms, and one of them was a woman. It's a very rare thing for a woman to commit suicide by firearm. I had one who completely lost his mind while away at college. No one is really sure what happened, and he's OK now, but it was scary. I had another cousin drink herself to death after years of alcoholism and a near lifelong battle with anorexia. Her sister is schizophrenic. I have some aunts and an uncle who are clinically depressed. One of my brothers is clinically depressed and a recovering alcoholic/drug user. The other is 50 and can't keep a job, and the other has died.

My sister seems to have escaped relatively unscathed, but she's also tough as nails and wouldn't tell you something was wrong even if something was wrong.

So I'm sure you can see why we may have a little fun at the expense of my mother's genes. That's a trait of my family, too, that we diffuse stuff with humor. But it does run a bit rampant on her side of the family!!! My dad's side? Nothing. My first cousins from his side (I have 4) are all incredibly normal and the nicest folks you could ever meet. My grandma used to say my Uncle Curly was a 'rounder' but other than that there just isn't a whole lot happening on that side. So, thanks for the nut jobs Mom! :)

I would really like to know what it's like to not have depression. My therapies have really worked and for the most part I don't have many, or any, symptoms. But it's always there, you know? It's never completely away from me. It's something I carry with me every day.

On a different note, I watched the dvd of Cloverfield yesterday. Know what? It was SCARY!!! Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised (I do love a good scare).

I will weigh in tonight, and I will post the results here. It may not be pretty, but it's part of the process that I've started, and I'm not turning away from it now.

I lied.

2008-06-06T08:36:00.001-07:00

I did eat because I didn't reach my goals. I finished off my 2 opened boxes of 'frozen novelties' last night. Plus 2 bags of the WW cheesy poofs (I forget their actual name). Plus a bag of popcorn. Plus 2 frozen entrees. Well, they both weren't entrees, one was more of a side, but I still ate them both.

In my world of binging, this isn't much of a binge. A binge pre WW would be a box of donuts, or a bag of chips and some soda, or drive through from Culver's. So, on the bright side everything I ate was already in my house and technically part of the program.

Also on the good side is that I logged everything. No matter how much I didn't want to, I wrote down every bite that I ate. I need to be accountable.

So, I'm feeling much better today. Not because of my binge. As usual, that didn't solve anything! I just have a better outlook, and I know this is just a challenge, something that is going to happen from time to time.

I got up this morning just like normal (almost, I was about 20 minutes later than I normally am, and I'm normally pretty late), ate my same breakfast, brought my same lunch. And I have no intention of buying more 'frozen novelties' to replenish the ones I wolfed down yesterday. I will not change my grocery day just because of that.

So I'm back on that horse amigos. Here's to hoping I have a sweet loss next week!!!

Down, but not what i'd hoped for...

2008-06-05T18:02:00.001-07:00

I'm so bummed amigos. I had a loss this week, and I know I should celebrate it. But I didn't reach my 2 goals for the week, even though I did everything I said I was going to and I did it right.

I know I shouldn't be this upset, but I really am. At first I thought I'd be fine, but then, as I left my meeting, I started to get weepy. I'm not a blubbering mess, but I'm so disappointed. I went in thinking I for sure had blown right past my two goals. But to get on that scale and see that I hadn't done so was just a shock. And then, if you knew how close I was to a particular milestone goal (the one I'm keeping to myself), well...it was just a slap in the face not to see the number I was expecting.

Don't worry, I won't eat because of this. I'm just really really sad about it.

I know, I need to celebrate every loss. I need to tell myself all the things I tell others when they have a disappointment like this. And I'll get there, and I'll get over it. But right now, it just stinks.

It didn't help that the loudmouth triplets were there tonight, and, unfortunately, sitting directly in front of me. No matter what the meeting is supposed to be about, it ends up being about them. I'm just so tired of it. I would have loved to have a break from them today, of all days, when I was feeling so blue. And they kept pulling out the 'for those of you with children' and 'having children' does this and that...God, I can't even tell you what that does to me. That's a whole other blog in itself.

But, just to be official and all, I've now lost 39.2 pounds. So, yeah, that's good.

Don't worry, the pity party will be over before you know it.

4 Feet, People!!!!

2008-06-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Oh lordy lou, I'm irritated.

I live very close to Miller Park (FKA: County Stadium), home of the Milwaukee Brewers. I've lived in Milwaukee all my life. The Brewers and I go way back. I'm not what you'd call a fan, but it is fun to go to the park and watch a game.

I'm not extremely close, but within walking distance. I would say it would take an average person maybe 20-25 minutes to walk from my house to the stadium, not counting how long it takes for a person to actually get situated once they're there.

Not sure how familiar anybody here is with the stadium, but they've got parking from here to Sunday and then some. I think general parking is maybe $8, elite (or whatever it's called) is more, maybe $12. But if you've got more than one person in your car it's not a bad price, and it's sort of fun milling around the parking lot to begin with.

So, it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who are willing to park on my street and actually walk to the stadium. It's sort of like Las Vegas in a way. The stadium is so huge that you don't realize how far it actually is. But every home game there are people driving around, looking for spots, trying to fit their cars in ridiculous places.

And many, many of these people, the late comers, have little or no regard for the people who live there. Yesterday my driveway was parked in. I've checked (as have all my neighbors), the legal distance a car should be parked from a driveway is 4 feet. I'd say I'm lucky to get 4 inches. We've even been nice enough to paint a yellow line on our curb to help these poor souls park their cars. Both cars that were on either side of my driveway were parked a few inches IN my driveway. They didn't even ATTEMPT to park somewhere legally. Sure, they left me enough room to actually get in and out, but do you have ANY idea how hard it is to see down your block when you're sandwiched in like that?

And what really, really got me is, these were both brand-spanking new cars. One was an Infiniti, the other was some sort of American-made sedan. So...couldn't you guys (while I haven't studied this scientifically per se, it's just 11 years of experience, they're inevitably guys) just please pay the $8 and park in the lot? Do you seriously have to make it a crap shoot whether I'm going to get out of my driveway alive so that you can save yourself a little money?

But no amigos, EVERY SINGLE GAME, it's the same damn thing. There aren't enough parking police to keep up. And yesterday they went down the opposite side of the street and ticketed, but not on my side, so the nimrods who parked me in got off scott free.

Of course, they're not always so lucky, and I cannot TELL you the amount of satisfaction it gives me to see a car ticketed who has been so thoughtless, stupid and selfish to park me in. What they saved by parking there will now be spent 3 fold (or whatever the going rate is for that particular violation, and I don't think it's cheap) paying the county. Yay!

I feel really badly when folks on my block have something planned, a party or picnic, and there's nowhere for their friends to park. Can you imagine having to plan a party based on whether or not the Brewers are in town? Of course, it's a city street and people are allowed to park there, so we can't really complain. It's just unfortunate.

I can tell you in all honesty that I have never done to another person what these people have done. I've never received a parking ticket in my entire life. I'm excessively careful, even moreso since I moved to where I am, because I completely understand the reasoning behind leaving 4 feet. I'm not perfect, but I could tell these people to go to hell (and believe me, it's tempting) without one ounce of thought that I'd ever be accused of the same thing.

And in case you're wondering, they aren't parking near me because the lots are full. No siree. They're parking near me to try and save a few bucks. I'm all for being thrifty, but not at the expense of someone's safety, or the law for that matter.

When the All Star game was here several years ago, I guess my block was pandemonium. I wouldn't know. I was deliberately on vacation!